Santa is almost here

As I lay in the emergency room (more later) with Lilli on my chest, I was thinking, "Just be" "just be still". That is what I always used to say - I just wanted to be. Which means, to be and be OK within the element you are in. As I read a note from a long time friend and he mentioned that, I reflect and wonder if I am "being"? I don't know. It is more of looking at each day and surviving the day. Although I am sure many people say that they really thank someone for that day, there are days in which I just am looking at getting through it the best way I know how.I am also here to tell you that during this time of the Holidays, I am happy that I chose to set up the Chemo during this time. That way I don't have to worry about outside stressors. As of the 25th, I have a two week break from teaching a class that I was given in December. Things slow down a bit for everyone. And, I can say that hopefully by the New Year, I'll be on the upswing from the nausea. This last go, I had some really bad stomach problems that made me want to go on a liquid diet. Trust me, I won't go into details - but I do want to document it here that I encountered lots of yuck. Just drinking lots of water, taking my pills and hoping for the best. My "tummy tuck" doesn't like to be stretched at all. I have been really aware not to gain weight and will not in the near future. After my tummy troubles, this is really true!This week I go to the Dr. on Wed for my before Chemo visit. I am going to ask him when I will be cleared to get my nose pierced. Guess I can't do that during Chemo - so we will see. Then, I'll post it here when the date I'll be getting it. Others can join me virtually (and thank you all for the support). Send pictures and I'll upload them. Sisters unite I say!OK, so my poor little baby. She was a bit under the weather all week, coughing etc. Tried to get her into her Dr. on Friday - the Dr. was not in. So, I went to a local family practice. It was a BAD experience. They gave her penicillin and said it was an ear infection. Then on Sunday she woke up barfing. Yes, thank heavens this is my good week. Oh my, I would had had to pull strength from the bottom of my toes to deal with this. We ended up going to the emergency room at about 7:30a.m. They took chest xrays, and took blood, and inserted an IV, two bags of fluid and one bag of antibiotic. She did have an ear infection, and the Dr. says one lung has pneumonia. At 4:00p.m. they let us go. After a long long minute to minute, hour to hour trying to get Lilli not to concentrate on her IV. She was a trooper. Did not even cry for the IV. Ask her Dad how he did, that is a different story. So I ponder, as mothers, does anyone tell you how strong you have to be no matter what. Here is a funny. I put on one of my chemo hats and walked out the door that morning. I put my purple scarf around my neck. So, I ended up wearing my purple scarf on my head. What the heck, it matched my turtleneck!The 26th marks my 12 weeks post op. I was talking to my sister this last week, would I do it again? Would I have the reconstruction? Right now it is hard to say. The recoup time was really long. I still don't feel as if I can lift heavy things. It takes all of my might to lift Lilli and she is 35 pounds. So, I am going to let a little more time pass to make up my mind on this subject. Mostly what bothers me is the stomach. I don't think it is like a regular c section where they get you hip to hip. This always pulls and you know it is there. And, clothes fit differently.One last note - maybe this should had been my first words. Thank you everyone for your well wishes and your cards. It mean more than you will know. For a gal that usually is pretty good with thank you cards, I have not done such a great job through this ordeal to thank everyone. Just know that I really appreciate the cards, calls and well wishes. Merry Christmas everyone.


My sister was supposed help me with my head wrap - guess what - looks like I took up a new religion -

I had a client visit - put on the wig. Kept my noggin warm, still looks like a wig.

Happy Winter Solstice

So here is what I have decided. Winter Solstice. I have always loved this day - out with the old in with the what is a head of us. So, as I was driving today listening to songs reflecting the Solstice, I am going to make this day of my new beginning (for now). Check out "Winter Solstice Carol" by William Beckstrand. I could not find a link to it. Maybe if you can search a bit more and listen on the radio - that would be good. He took a poem and had a Choir in MSP sing it. Just a delight. I am going back to my local NPR station and look up the link so I can listen again. Here is something I found.

This longest night your candle light, Keep watch over all the earth; Welcome hope and cheer as the dawn draws near And rejoice! Rejoice at the sun's rebirth.

OK time to run, I am getting stuff done before the snow.

Things that don't stop

Here is what I meant to put in the first one....
Things that don't stop.......even when you feel nauseated........

A toddler that is using her own "potty" - which means that there are little presents in there at times.....

People that wear perfume....

Dishes that don't get done

Messes in the house, such as folded laundry that doesn't get put away......

Bills........

And the good ones,

Talking to people that understand when you have to make it a short call.....
Those people that understand when you are snappy.....
Being able to go to sleep to make it go away for a while.......

And, many more. But, here is what I know, there are a lot of people out there that are just living life and don't realize what surrounds them. I don't mean anything profound by that statement - but I do think that too many people just forget that it really is about having those people around you - via phone or in person to help outweigh those things that are bad and still go on even when nauseated....

Things that don't stop

So, this last treatment made me a bit nauseated. I did not like it. However, today is Wednesday and you know what that means - I am feeling better. I just got back from Sunflower market, and here is what I had at 8:30p.m. - cucumbers and warmed brie. I swear - the odd cravings you would think I would be pregnant. Trust me, I went to the store for Milk, picked up a few other things and thought when I got home I would have that snack. Strange. I am still a bit foggy. I did not take one pill today - thus I am thinking the fog is from the Chemo. My head is not straight and my eyes feel like a film is over them. Hard to explain. Not like a hangover - just like a fuzzy fog.

So, my sister came for a visit. It was nice. She is so good with Lilli - (yes thank you very much sister) and that is what Lilli needed. Took her out for a girls day of shopping. In the morning went my little blond headed mismatched baby and in the afternoon came walking in, a grown up little girl. Oh, how funny. She did spoil her!!! Lilli loves her new purple princess shoes. Today, after I picked her up from the babysitter - I went to get my turbans. Lilli only had those purple shoes on - so - off we went to the store. Oh well.

I have yet to wear my wig. Maybe tomorrow. Last Saturday we went to Chris' xmas party and I wore my scarf. For some reason that wig is just too much. Kinda gives me the creeps. Speaking of creeps - I decided that I felt so good this afternoon, I would try and fit this new, tummy tuck stomach into jeans. Two pairs later, forget it. I'll wait for the sales after the xmas rush. I have about 4 pairs of pants that I wear. And, with the change of the stomach, it effects the other part of the pants. So, droopy drawers. Oh, it could be worse. At least the other night when I wore a bra, it did not break my boob! Phew - I was worried.

My first round of xmas cards got out - my second round is still here. I am thinking that if you did not get one, then they will be new years cards! As I understand we are going to get a storm this weekend. That is OK with me, as long as it does not stick on the ground.

Time to go and watch the news through my filmy foggy eyes. Maybe a nice cup of tea, better yet, I think a sprite will hit the spot.

Feeling like the 2nd time

I am feeling OK. Not like the first time but also not tip top shape. I a really tired but get up a couple of times a night. It is crazy how you go from great to yuck.

Thoughts on a late rainy night...

Dropped off my paper at school. Gave the prof some homemade goodies and a Thank You note. She is a great person. Who knows what grade I'll get on the paper - it is DONE! I can't tell you how great that feels. Looking back, how did I do this? With lots of help for sure.

I thought I would add a few notes. Hey if anyone has their Official Parenting Manual - pull it out please! So, as a parent, going through the tough time with the surgeries, shaving my head brought up new questions. Do you hide the head until the hair grows back? Some people do. Or, should we just embrace it and include Lilli. We decided to do the latter. I hope that years down the road she doesn't have to go to therapy! But, this little girl is smart. It would had been hard to put together the "why" if I just was bald. She got used to me wearing the turban for the last week. And, every now and again she would grab my hair **** Yikes! So, when faced with these things, what does a gal do? The answer is the best you can with what your gut tells you. Was it hard, yes. Did we think about it - you bet. Does it matter today - not to her. That is the beauty of a little girl, it keeps life fresh and in perspective.

Another great day and now it is officially tomorrow. I need to relax and climb into my bed. The rain will soon turn to snow, and the only thing I need to do in the morning is go to the vampire lady and get blood drawn. The good week goes too quickly. Oops - that reminds me - better order my expensive meds while I am thinking about it - then off to bed.

Sunday is the day to be bald - take a look

It was time to cut the hair. I can't believe the difference. My head doesn't hurt any more thank heavens! Get ready to see me bald. Chris says I look my dad. I say pinhead! Just call me Ms. Pinhead please. So, Lilli and I went to the Natural History Museum to celebrate. She kept rubbing my head saying I like your new haircut. Back to the big day out - for the first day in a really long time I felt normal. Strange. No more hair - but I felt good! So, we enjoyed an hour or so looking at different "ages" in the museum, had a delightful lunch in their little cafe. I bet you are wondering what I wore to the event. My black chemo hat my sister made. It was great. But hot. So, I got into my car - took off the hat. Went across town in all of my loveliness. I think that the hats, durag (I am wearing it now) and baseball hat is good. I am going to try my luck at a scarf and see how it goes.
Here is a pic of my sweet girl combing my hair.
The barber. May have been the hardest thing for him to do. Goodness, it was hard. When it was over, there was such a sense of relief. Bye bye hair for a few months.
Here I am. Lilli is cutting Mommy's hair.
Here I am. No hiding here. This is me. I'll post some others with scarfs and hats when I have time.
Look at that mess. It hurt so badly. Oh - I have a dent in my head at the top. Yes - that is from that big ice cube maker that slammed into my head many years ago at Racines. Yikes.

Some benefits

There are some benefits to this hair loss thing - many people just think about losing the flowing mane of hair....well....you lose it everywhere. Which means this - when I shaved my legs three days ago - it is not growing back. Yes - isn't that nice. Let's see, I have at least another month or so of no shaving. Nice huh? Jealous? Now, don't go that far! So, how do you lose your hair? I was afraid to put my clip in the front of my hair, would it pull out a huge clump of hair? I would be left with a big bald spot in the front of my head? Nope. Here is how it goes - one strand at a time. My head hurts, felt like darts yesterday when I did not wear a hat. At the end of my hair root - that is where it hurts. The Dr. said it would, and it does. So, for the last few days I have been shampooing my hair, do a bit of brushing on the top layer and that is it. I wore the turban to bed so that it could catch the hair. It did. Good idea. Then, last night we went to Old town to see the tree lighting. Wore my beanie. And, you'll never believe what I did this morning.
I am feeling great - almost normal. OK, not so much but not barfy. Everyone do a dance. I decided that this weekend is my weekend to go Xmas shopping. It also happens to be a weekend that the retailers are pushing to get sales. Up at 5:45a.m., at the store by 6:15a.m. Mary came with me. What fun. Got most of the shopping done by 9a.m. and had a nice hot chocolate to boot. I'll put final touches on some of the gifts this week and then I'll be done. I am getting ready for next Thursday and thinking ahead. Here are a couple of pics - one at 6:00a.m. I am ready to go - it was windy so I wore the ball cap from my sister.
This is during the day - wearing the turban. I think that tonight Chris is going to cut/shave my hair. It is getting to be a mess. I keep finding the hair all over. Yuck.

Could I eat more red licorice?

I was quite snappy and crabby yesterday. Oh well. Today is a new day. So, here is what happened. I got hungry. OK - sounds silly but I really watch what I eat - small meals just "in case". Stay away from fried foods, etc. See, I am telling you, that will make one snappy and crabby. Here is what I can't do without right now. Red Vine (brand name) licorice. Yes - that red rubbery chewy fake stuff is so sweet that it makes you cringe - but tastes so good to me. I ate 8 pieces last night. I also am on the cucumber thing. That makes sense - fresh - clean - tastes good. And, mixed with my other "chemo" favorite - black olives! HUGE black olives. This morning I was on to pancakes , the frozen ones that I give Lilli. Bland and good. So, I thought I would just jot a note before I start my day here at school. Finally feeling good - one good week ahead of me. Watch out - I am baking Christmas Cookies next week!!!!

Oh - hair is holding on. "Hang on little tomato" as my friend Jim says.... It is going to start going soon, but I got thru 2 treatments. Not bad.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

So that is what my sister says - waiting for the other shoe to drop. Meaning, I felt OK this time around. But now I am waiting! No huge headaches, I had some bits of nausea throughout the weekend and took lots of medication. I survived the weekend, and now I am feeling decent. Yippee! It really is all relative. If you feel like shit the first time, anything better is looking on the up side! Last night I have to say that I was just out of sorts. Hot face, sore sore sore shoulders and back. I could not wait for bedtime. I feel asleep about 8p.m. and did not get up until 2:30a.m. Thank heavens. I have "bone pain" ohhhhh my aching bones. Seriously, my left femur does hurt inside. You know, that deep pain. I am holding off on any wacky meds until time for bed.

This morning I thought it was going to be a bad (icky) day. I did everything I could to drop off Lilli and come home. My thought was to go to school and get my paper done, nope. I came home, and made some tea, organized the top of the TV stand. Righty - oh - put Santa on the top of the TV dresser thing (in the front room) for a bit of Christmas.

Now, I have two hours and I'll grade papers. Get that done so it is off my plate. Another day, another day closer to getting this toxic thing done. More later - hopefully I'll take some nice pictures of our 60 degree beautiful day here.

#2 Infusion

Yesterday was infusion number two. In the morning I dyed my hair. Take a look. Never in my life have I dyed my hair, so now is the time. This week is when it is supposed to fall out. I can't tell if it looks blonde or some funky orange color. Gloria gave me the blue pillow and the blanket. So, with a little pitch, sorry, it still stings, but the cool cool stuff starts going through. Then the pink stuff, I now call that White Zinfandel. Like in real life, that wine gives me a headache and this stuff they push thru the IV also gives me a headache. Got done in two hours. Met a nice lady that does gourd art. Neat stuff. I decided that there needs to be a birdfeeder outside of the windows. Like looking at the mountains, watching the birds gets me in a good spot. So, I have to look and see if we have one here - otherwise I'll splurge and go to my favorite birdfeed store. Have to go for myself anyhow, I'll just add it to the list.
Ask me how I feel. Go back a week and two days to last Wednesday. Yep. Poor Dad - sorry - I felt as if Lilli was screaming, trying to hold down a conversation with my Dad and stirring noodles. I did that with my sister too, all I could do was hear the kids playing soccer in the background. So, off to Target to get my "magic mouthwash" for the mouth sores, on my list are HUGE sunglasses. That should help. I went to bed at 8 last night. Woke at 1p.m. Yikes, I was barfy. Double yikes, this sucks. I took one of my new drugs. And thank heavens that worked!!!! So,I have to wait until 9a.m. to take another. Oops, got to take my Emend (I don't know about that spelling). I am going to drop Lilli off, head over for my white blood count booster and see if I feel like that drive to Target. So everyone, I am 1/2 thru the chemo!!!!! What a great feeling. Now, the year of the herceptin treatments will be different, I think those only take 2 or so hours every three weeks. Yes, all done my IV. And, the side effects do not include hair loss.

Here we are number two. Hey-where is my nurse? Yes, Karen scolded me for saying "the" nurse in the first posting. Again, both of these nurses are on the level of saints.

Karen got a picture of my hair. OK, so it is not blonde, it looks like when I was growing up - strawberry blonde.

Eggnog Latte and Christmas Music

Now is the time to have your eggnog latte and enjoy some Christmas music. See, I have this rule that NO ONE should have an eggnog latte (cut with skim milk) until after Thanksgiving. So, shoo - go - enjoy that cup of joe. And, then, turn on the x-mas music. I went to the Dr. today - what a guy! He gave me new drugs to help the barfy feeling and lots of "you can do this" pats on the back. Looked in my mouth, yep, I have the mouth sores. No salt please. So, after my visit with the Dr. and then blood drawn, I stopped at Starbucks and got a latte. Switched over to the easy listening station that is all Christmas music all of the time. Sang a few songs - sipped my latte and before you knew it I was across town and at school. Gosh I love walking on that campus. I can feel myself not so hunched over anymore. Still, no feeling in the Thing 1 - very strange indeed! Ok, it is late, I worked on my 2nd project to get done "before dooms day" and in the morning I'll attempt #3 project. Did all of my barfy shopping, got sprite, ginger ale, protein bars, flavored water and corn. That should do to get me through. This time I am taking Mary's advice and drinking 6-8 glasses of water. OH my goodness, before I sign out...I walked past this room today and this lady was laying down and her face looked orange. Too much makeup I think, but it scared me so I did not want to look any further! Yikes. Gloria made me a nice blanket and pillow for my arm so I'll take those with. Just think, by tomorrow night I'll be 1/2 over....with chemo - still another year with the other stuff.

Here is the picture of Old Town - that will be us next weekend walking around. Can't wait!

Six weeks out

Here are some pictures of the Thing 1. This is six weeks out of the lymph node surgery. Here is how I feel. My stomach - it is like I have a big piece of scotch tape horizontal across my stomach. Pulling. It is not like the mending of the hip to hip cut - but I can feel the left side is "short". Guess it is because it is in my boob. Which by the way, is healing and I think all of the swelling is gone. Nice SMALL Thing 1. Oh well. Guess I should had the plastic surgeon take the fat from my thighs to make it bigger....on the other hand, ouch. No more. My arm, as you can see in the picture - I can almost do the full stretch over my head. Still can feel under the armpit. Oh well - who needs to feel there anyway. By now I am sure that I could braid that hair - don't care and sorry if that grosses you out my fair reader. It is reality. So, I am getting ready for my 2nd chemo on Thursday. I have to clean the fridge out on Tuesday. That was the worst thing the last time. Ick. I also am determined to not get sick over the weekend. I am going to take all of the medication and who cares if I am loopy. Not me! Just get through it! Why you may ask. I won 4 tickets to the Nutcracker on Saturday. Yes I did. I LOVE the Nutcracker and can't wait to take Lilli and Chris. Even if we see 1/2 of it - that is OK. So, I was listening to my favorite classical station today (NPR stinks during the day here) and boom - I called in an was and was the 6th caller. I won. Who knows where the seats are, the venue is Popejoy Hall at the University. And then, after that, our Starlight parade. Big day, like I say - I can't be barfy. OK, I am now tired after going to my class tonight. Talk to you later.
Here is my sweet out of focus girl eating peanut butter (we are focusing on protein)
Here is Thing 1. Looks nice - huh. I don't know about you - it looks like I could put my change in that little pocket and zip it up.
Here is the sun belly button. How did they re-do it? I don't know. And don't want to know.
This is how far I can reach over my head.

Wow - I feel good

Finally - I feel pretty good today. The down side is that I just keep eating. Strange. Made a really good cucumber, garlic, dill, mushroom salad - a twist to grandmas - I put a bit of Vidalia dressing on the top as well as olive oil. Short story - brought it for a side dish - forgot it in the frig - and now I am eating it for dinner. Strange how I really want to eat the good food.

Anyhow - the day is over - I am so Thankful that each day is getting closer to get done with this process. I am very Thankful for my family, far and near (I just can't imagine doing this without you). I am Thankful that my husband takes on the Lilli responsibility and does a nice job with that. Thankful for all of my friends, new and old. And mostly, Thankful that Lilli did not figure out that the "coins" given to her tonight contained chocolate until she opened one on the ride home - after hours of playing with them! Seriously, life has such a strange way to make you laugh. If you have not heard this one - Lilli will hold your head between her two hands and say "I miss you so much". Can't do anything but give a little giggle.

No early morning shopping - I figure that we will spend the morning doing something fun. Stay away from those crazy crowds and maybe go wild and splurge on a Happy Meal!

Happy Thanksgiving -

I can't find a picture of a Turkey - or figure out how to save it on the computer at school - oh well. I am getting ready for the 4p.m. class, the day before Thanksgiving - posted my paper and hope for the best. I am close to plugging away at the rest of the papers to get them done by next Thursday - DOOMS DAY (2nd infusion). That way, I can take all of the drugs I need to take and not get sick.

We are going to some friends early in the pm for Turkey and stuffing. As I said, we will be very nice guests - we will bring food, stay for a while and leave. I am packing a few videos for Lilli as I am sure she'll be looking for something to do - then again they have 3 dogs.

My favorite nurse called me back about the headaches and got me some other stuff. I realized that my appointment is next week and not today - then I panicked - I can't be this icky all weekend - they are closed~~~~~ by the end of this I am sure we will get it figured out.

And, note to self (yes everyone out there) each person reacts differently to chemo. So I hope that many other people don't get these nasty headaches and barfy feeling. For me, I think I am going to buy big sunglasses and cover my ears. Make the stupid people go away....oh - did I say that out loud.

See, I am still not myself and I am going to sign off. Who wants to listen to a gal who mouth is tingly, head is tingly (Chris keeps pulling on my hair - is it falling out? yes - he is going to shave it - mister smarty pants!)

I'll take some nice pictures of our day in Placitias.

It has been a few days

I feel like shit.

But, the good news is that I got up this morning and took a shower before noon. My head is screaming, I am going to the dr. today. I hope he can give me something for these headaches.

Yuck.

Can I just pull the covers over my head?

Do you think anyone would notice if I didn't come out of my room for the day? All and all, I have been battling a be of nausea - similar to when pregnant. The pills have helped but I took one this morning and it made me so tired and jittery. We went to the zoo for some fresh air and then I came home and slept for 2 hours.

One more pill tonight and then I am over the 48 hour time.

That is about it for now - I am signing off and getting under my covers.

I am taking no calls at the moment.....

That was yesterday - I did not talk to anyone in the morning. That is me - when it really gets tense - I stop talking.

Yesterday I was really scared. There was no way to mince those words into anything other than that. My chemo appt was at 1p.m. and I took my 1hour before drug. Took a shower and off I went.


As it turned out, I was the only one there. This office is small, there are 5 recliners with IV poles next to them. So, here we go. I had with me: my computer (to grade papers), my new book Eat, Pray, Love (which I gave to my mom to read but I thought that I needed it now so I splurged on a book for myself. You know those gift certificates you get and tuck away for a rainy day - well right now I am in Monsoon type of rains), water, chocolate covered Altoids (I can eat those by the tin - ask me about the morning after....). I was set for my 2-3 hours ordeal.

My Blood Pressure was OK, 115/70 - the more nervous I get the lower it gets - strange - does someone crawl into my subconscious and made me calm down? My O2 was 96 - guess I am breathing. Temp was fine. All a go!

I sat in the chair and told them about my "blown" vein from last week. The used the vein on the top of my hand. The norm "You'll feel a prick" I did. But, not too bad. My nurses are Karen and Chris, or is it Khris, either way they are the same I just need to find out the correct way to write it. They put the anti nausea drugs in first - Karen has to push that in. Then I sat for a while and she came back with the pink "nair". Anyone use nair on your legs. That is what it is doing inside to get out all of the bad and good cells. The nurse gave that analogy and I like it. Karen had to push that through. Did it hurt? No, you know something is going in because it is cold but no hurt. When I IV started wiggling around, I too did the jello wiggle dance. Strange feeling!

I pulled out the chocolate Altoids after the pink stuff. Had a couple. They tasted great. Now this morning. Yuk. I am not going to look at them. As I write this, I pulled out the frozen "Yo Kids" Stonyfield Farm yogurt sticks. I had one last night too. They taste great. I also have my candied ginger next to me.

I came home with a WHOPPER of a headache. I survived the night. Woke up and said - did I drink a bottle of wine or what. Heavy head and headache. So far so good, no barfing. If that does happen it will be today or Saturday. My hope is that it won't happen. I have "just in case" meds and the nurse gave me something else - just in case.

Overall - I am good and peed orange last night and this morning. That pink stuff, and yellow pee equal - orange!!!! They warned me.

Off to get Lilli to the sitter, get my day after shot and I am coming home to take it easy.




Here is Chris in all of his glory.
Here is Karen - the nurse (she got her nose pierced at 50! See....). Got my first chemo done and had pleasant conversation - could you ask for anyone better????
Here is the miss know it all - Chris. She understands.

Here are the top dollar meds. Note to self - I find myself spacey for some reason. Here is proof. I wrote the dates on them and the third one is on 11/17/07. Yikes I need to change that!

Here is my arm with the IV
I look drugged. Nope, just someone said something funny and I took the picture.

There it is 1 down and 3 to go. I can do this. My self talk was 77% positive as I was entering the office. I am strong, I can handle this. If others have done it, I can do this too. I just kept thinking that. And then, I put my hands into the hands of those wonderful nurses and we talked the 2 1/2 hours. It was my outlet to talk, they knew that and let me talk. Could it be any better than that.

Getting Ready

I bought one of those smoothie things. It really works, I also have stocked up on ginger stuff.


Here is a pic of my new chemo hat - my sister made me lots of them to keep my head warm when it gets cold out. They are FANCY!



And of Course a hat for Lilli to match Mommy!

Taking the slow road home

The day started too early - dropping Lilli off in her PJ's at 7a.m. so I could get across town to have my teeth cleaned. I survived the visit to the dentist and I am here to talk about it. Here is something I did not think of - those chairs you sit in at the dentist, they tilt you back. Mind you, I still can't really lay down flat, now they want to tip me back and clean my teeth. Delightful. Got my trophy - the new toothbrush and went on my merry way. Got to school and I am trying to dig into my research paper for stats, yuck. My prof last night told us that she missed class last week because she was in Vegas and all she did was sleep. (Her husband was there for a conference and I really understand what she was saying - nice room and nice view of the Belliago fountains.) And she felt GREAT. Well goody - I was acting like Fred Flinstone (isthat how you spell it?) with the toothpicks in my eyes, I was so tired. So I thought to myself - guess I need to go on a real vacation and sleep. Hmmmmm when is that going to happen, when Lilli is 19????? Until then, I'll just keep a pack of toothpicks handy.

Today I decided to take the slow route home from school. It is down Rio Grande and you go 25 miles per hour. The leaves were falling and it was really a great day. I liken my time in the car to when I used to travel and have time alone. So, I guess right now, that is good as it gets - time alone in the car.

If anyone is interested there is a video from 60 minutes on what I want to do my dissertation on, at least how the boomers deal with the other generations. Here is the link. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml

My sister made me a whole box of fun chemo caps and one matching for Lilli. Darn it - I can't get the pictures to download. I'll have to restart my computer and try in the morning. My head is going to be nice and toasty when it gets nippy out!

I am so tired. I was really exhausted when I got home, could hardly move. But alas, dinner needs to be made (thanks Dad and Lisa - Do it dinners did it again - chicken and green chile's, Yum!) dishes need to be done, baths need to take off the "blue lipstick" and I need to get into the two classes I am teaching. It is 9p.m. on the dot and I said I would quit to watch the news. So, off I go and lets see how much news I get to see, that is OK, I'll just read it in the paper in the morning.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH one last thing. Does anyone want to get their nose pierced with me? I am serious - I have always loved that and now I don't have a tattoo, I think I'll show my funkiness a different way. Just a very small stud that sparkles in the sun. Why not I say.

That is it. Tomorrow - take a slow road and enjoy the ride.

To pull or not to pull that is is the question

I thought is would be a good day to post my boob. And, the best way to describe why I do this - is that with the people that I know, friends and family, and the 6 degrees of separation - I bet that someone you will know - will want to see the progress. It also is for me to document the days and the weeks. I think my sister said it the best today, time keeps going. Meaning that as bad as it is, it does get better.
After I took a shower today, I tried to see if the last scab which is really stitches would come off. It didn't. So, should I pull it and zip - the Thing 1 falls a part. I did not dare so that! I clipped it with a scissors. I bet another couple of showers and I'll be off. My belly button still looks like the sun. Now that my stomach muscle is getting comfortable in its new home, the swelling is going down and Thing 1 is really a bit smaller than Thing 2. Looks like this summer will be the time to get Thing 2 lifted.

Just in case my friend is asking if the pics are upside down, nope this is correct. Well, this is a big week so I am heading off to bed.

Muga Day

Today I had the Muga test. I called a friend right before the test because I was 15 minutes early for my 15 minutes before the actual appointment time. If I could take all of the times that I am early and put it in a jar - pull it out as needed. How nice. But, that does not work. I also was thinking that I should start carrying around some of those flashcards I was talking about earlier. Guess I need to make them first! So here is the scoop. Went in, got my blood drawn. Pic 1. Waited 40 minutes while the guy mixed my blood with the nuclear stuff. Seriously, he comes out with this big thing that looks very scary and at the top was the syringe. I did not want to look. I don't want to know!!!! Now, for all of you that have not had shots or blood drawn lately, if the person starts asking you about your personal life, you know that they are trying to get your mind off of the NEEDLE. I felt a little poke, and then - he said - is that puffing up. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD! The vein is puffing up - this is not good. I look at him and say, yes - it is puffed. And then, he tried to push a bit of my "blood" back. OUCH. He pulled out the needle and put a cotton thing on it. The vein just burst. I just don't want to know at this point. I am sure it heals quickly!

He put it in another vein and all was good.

Then, I went into the room and got into the machine. The images took about an hour to do. I had to wear this thing around my arms to hold them because they slide the armrests back. Can't explain it - but it was not comfortable. THEN he put the machine coming right down on me and I said - hey don't break the new boob!!!!! Seriously, I did say that and it really was resting on my boobs.

It is hard to see on the screen but the computer, each square is an image of my heart pumping that stuff thru it. This is a baseline test. As he explained, if I get exhausted during chemo it maybe because damage to the heart.
Here is my hand with the bursted vein and the good vein.









I have slipped back into my old ways of being busy so by the end of the day I am pooped, but press on. For those of you that know people that go through this or something similar, just remember, it take a long time to come back 100%. I don't have the tolerance for silly things and I am not going to spend my energy on negative things. Which goes back to talking to my friend earlier in the day. Over the years, I have had some people that have drained the life out of me. And, I have chosen to not stay in contact with those people. Other friends, it seems as if I talk to one or two friends during the week, it is so refreshing to hear about normal stuff. Not about this crap that I am going through. So, I am trying to listen more, talk less. I listened to the Human Kind radio program today. I can't find it, I think they piece it together - but here is a link:http://www.humanmedia.org/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=39.
Get your hankies out - this is powerful. I think it is such a great idea - dying with grace. Coordinating volunteers, people come from around the world to volunteer their services of unconditional love. No motives, nothing but just really being there for another human. And then I thought how New Mexico is magical, and it would be such a great place to have that here for people. You know me, lots of ideas! Some stick others don't.

I also highly recommend just going to www.humanmedia.org and looking for David Allen.

I went to the health sciences library to meet my group. It is such a beautiful library, I think I should try it for a while.

Happy to say that tomorrow is Friday. I am ready to relax for an hour or so. Saturday is fun day. There is a children's book fair at school and then a huge art fest. Next weekend is the crane celebration. Hope I am well enough to attend. I think that the 3 pills I picked up today (you know the $350 worth). Some of the side effect of this drug - vomiting, hair loss, constipation, diarrhea .....wait a minute - why am I taking these - I thought it was to avoid nausea.

Enough for tonight. Did I mention the word of the night last night - meta cognitive.

It is 6 weeks to the day - gosh - how time does fly when you have fun. My nodes arm is still really sore and range of motion is getting much better. I can really feel that my stomach muscle is still healing. Other than that - all is good. My $350 prescription is ready for pick up. Time that by 4 - and there are 4 pills per prescription. You better bet your bottom dollar that this stuff is good for the nausea. If not - I'll be calling my Dr. Thank heavens my insurance covers $310 of that. $40 still seems like a lot - but happy to pay it. My BCBS covers all the expenses on the Chemo and Herceptin treatments. Funny when I checked and they said "if it is medical necessary" do people get these treatments for fun? Yuck.

Went to class tonight, as usual, got really excited and over active. On the way back to catch the bus to go to my car, I was in the crosswalk and almost got hit by a jeep. Oh my goodness - I am going to have to get some of those reflector things. Can you imagine going through this only to be hit by a young thing in a Jeep!!!!

No boys allowed.

I am thinking about having a get together out here. Maybe in the spring or early summer. Ojo Caliente comes to my mind, but I also think that the Ghost Ranch would be good too. http://www.ghostranch.org/site-content/bed--breakfast/rest-and-relaxation-at-ghost-ranch-abiquiu.html

It would be great to get away and just "be" for a few days. It is so beautiful here. I came up with this a long time ago, then I was talking to Amy and said that we needed to get together, then talked to Susan and same thing, so I started thinking - why not have an open invitation for all of us. That would be fun. So think about it - let me know. Friendship is so very important and being real, while being your authentic self is great. Ponder that.

Time to go to bed, get stressed about the Muga test tomorrow and my dentist 6 month check up on Wednesday. Hell why not, 6 month check up on Wed, chemo on Thursday STRESSSSSSSSS!

What I have found....

A Family that wears together, shares together!
OH, here is a pic of me doing what - I don't know - Lilli took it. But I do notice that I look so serious.














I saw this on the Komen newsgroup. Today I needed a bit of a "the club" talk.















Attitude


There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did and she hada wonderful day.


The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think ! I'll part my hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day!


The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.


The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"


Attitude is everything.


Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.


Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.......











I also would like to talk about pants. Do you ever get that feeling that your fly is open. I get that all of the time! Why - note to self - I cannot feel anything below my incision to my leg. I keep worrying that I can't feel the wind blowing into my pants if I leave my fly open. Maybe I should be wearing dresses!

And, I got my flu shot today. One shot down......how many to go? Tomorrow is week 6 - I should be all better they say, well I have thoughts on being all better, looking all better, and not being all better. But, you'll have to wait for that.......

Things to think about while at school

It is Saturday - I am in school at 8a.m. until 3:30p.m. (it was supposed to end at three and I was to yell "UNCLE"). I get home, my sweet baby is sleeping, my husband took her to the zoo and let her play in the big girl play area. Good thing I wasn't there, I would have had a heart attack.

I was sitting in class, through 16 presentations (yuck) and something occurred to me. Really, I have thought about this earlier, but here it is. Now, for those of you that get offended easily, please don't continue to read. The rest of you, here are my thoughts. I at some point will get a tattoo for a nipple. Here is the funny part. When you get lets say...cold, there is only one nipple that will show through the bra or shirt. I guess that is the winking thing going on with the Thing 1. Ok, there you go. That is what I was thinking about today. Also, I was reminded that at one time I knew many of the theorist, and I need to brush up. Maybe flash cards in my spare time. Hey- when I am sitting there for two hours in the chemo chair........

Yep, it is confirmed I start on Nov. 15th and it'll be every other week for 4 rounds of chemo. There was a question of my nodes being positive, the Dr. (love this Doc!) double checked and in fact something about being positive but really is negative. All I care about is that I get the killer meds 4 times not 6! This is funny. My mom came with me to my Dr's appointment. She scheduled to be here on her way to Scottsdale and help me take notes. No, did not record. So, we thought of questions before we went in. One of them was "can I eat grape fruit"? You know all of the hoopla about how it mixes with drugs etc. The Dr. looked at me like is this gal crazy. He smirked and said I was the first one to ask him about that. Do I get a SMART sticker for that (or just a dummy one).

I have to go on Tuesday for this muga thing. It is a nuclear medicine test for heart. All I could re think was those little shots in my nipple before surgery. I don't know. Guess I'll find out. The reason for the test is to get a baseline of my heart. The chemo drugs that I have and then the drugs after that for my Her 2 thing both have side effects of hurting the heart.

I also have to get a shot the day after the chemo to keep my white blood count up, and then get stuck for other tests one week after, then the day before to run tests. Hey, can anyone say OUCH this sucks.

The doc and nurse looked at my veins. They are good she said! Yippee I say. She counted four veins that they can do the chemo. But, if that does not work I get that Pic line. Also sometimes the drugs make those veins hard. Goody. And, I was told that there maybe "pain" when my hair falls out. Double goody. What the hell! Who ordered this special treatment.

Back to the appointment. My mom took notes. Oh, I need to go back to that recording because I found out that there were cancer cells in my blood vessels when they did the pathology report. I don't recall that being told to me. I asked the Dr. to look again to see if he was reading the correct patient! I am sure I was getting on his nerves. See, I'll take back my control when I can get it since I have lost so much of it.

Here is something that happened to me on the way home. I stopped to get my meds for before chemo and during to make sure I don't get nauseated. Hell at this point I am asking about marijuana. because I am so afraid of getting sick! No, I wouldn't do that......I guess these other drugs are awesome. So, I am at Walgreens drive up. I gave him my visa (debit with my pic on it) and my license. The guy said, hey you cut your hair and dyed it. Funny guy I say! He was so super nice, I looked at him, remember I am at the drive up window, does my hair look darker or lighter? Darker he says. Ahhhhhh OK. Well, I tell him, I'll be losing in a few weeks anyhow. Now, I don't know if that was appropriate, but I figured he knew the medication I was getting and for what - so it would all make sense. Note to self, get a new license with short hair because I do look different. I 'll put that on my list after flu shot and before muga test.

Long day, long week. I'll close with this. I walked up to see my advisor with the admin lady from my dept. She has something going on with her, hunched over and uses a cane. I like her, she is in-depth and has a quick tongue. As we walked and talked, she got into the office and said, don't tell me that you are going to make lemonade. Meaning, when life hands you lemons....

Hell no I say, there are days that just suck. And furthermore, you know that saying about "today is a present", well there are days I want to exchange that frickin' present for a better day. On that note my friends, we will talk later.

Happy Halloween!

You know you are in the club when you get a binder of information! See my comments below.
Hi crazy eyes! I had to include it because this is a funny pic. I am posting my 5 week out of mastectomy picture. No boob shots today, maybe later.
Look at that hair.
I did a leadership team building fun thing at the corn maze. For me, it was a blast. Note to self, go early in the season - it is better when green. I noticed that I have started thinking in blogger language. Here is an example. There were a bunch of people with safety vests on in the median, they were picking up garbage. Hint - I think they also had orange jumpsuits on too....anyhow, there were two young men cat calling some chic in the SUV two cars ahead of me. Now, do you think that this gal is thinking to herself "hey look at those hot young men in orange suits". Please, that was gross. Now you know my blogger language.

I went to the NMCC for an orientation. The real reason is to get more information on what to expect over my course of chemo therapy. Put a few things to rest. My veins are not going to get black. My hair will fall out. If you know of people that their hair did not fall out, they did not have breast cancer. There was a guy just diagnosed with esophagus cancer, the nurse looked at him and said "don't worry, your hair will not fall out". I was thinking, gosh, that is the least of his issues - I'll take a bald head over a feeding tube any day. She said that the number one complaint is fatigue during chemo. I am getting ready for that. Lilli is already going to babysitters five days a week, all I need to do is get her there and pick her up. I will do some shopping prior to my treatment. I still have some meals left from the "Do It" dinners. I may "Do it" myself. Ha ha.

Five weeks into my recovery, I am still a bit bent over - if you see me, you'll notice something if off. I am now wearing those camisoles that I bought at Target, why - I broke the boob again. I am giving that Thing 1 a rest from the confines of cross your heart.

My arm is still hurting me. The back from the nerves. That surgery sucked. Tell that to people that have it done. My days are getting longer and I am able to do a small nap in the middle. That is good. The picture of those people that I did the corn maze leadership thing, it was a blast but I was so tired after that I could barely get home fast enough to crawl into bed. The prep to make it look easy took a while! They are a great group of people and I had so much fun that I should had paid them! No, on the other hand, medical bills are rolling in. Speaking of that, Nov 1st starts my BCBS - one insurance only. I am glad to deal with just the one. How this all shakes out, I am just holding my breath.

OK - it is late. I am going to bed.