So, now that I have said nothing is wrong. All is fine. Throw me another coach - lets try something else!!! I am so over it. The gal at work said - did you have your cry yet....WHAT.....I can't do that are you kidding. I have to take this moment and stuff it into a neat little package and kick it across the frickin' country! I am done. NO MORE.

Here is how it goes. I went to the surgeon and thought I would be OK - until she said that she talked to the radiologist for an hour on Friday. And what, you did not invite me to the tea party?????? I knew something was up. Although my MRI came back OK - that is not what they are concerned about. Rather, the calcifications in the milk duct and how my left boob started the same way. Here we go I say.

So, biopsy on Aug 15th in the morning. Hey, like last year with putting dye into my nipple was not fun enough - now they are going to put wires into the right boob (good boob I call it) for a "guided" biopsy. She does five of these a day I am told. Well....whoopie. OK. I am being mean and mad right out but as soon as I write this I'll be OK.

Everyone - cross your fingers, your toes, your eyes, your legs. As from the card that my sister sent me - I'll be munching on a stress sandwich for a few weeks!!!!

Peace be with me today.

MRI Results

The MRI came back where it is the same as last year. So, I think that we are OK for a while. I see the surgeon on Monday, but my oncologist went over the results with me. I guess the information did not get to him, so thanks to the nurses, they shared my concern with him and he ordered the reports. I feel so much better and he really thought that getting the information to me before the weekend wait. Now - I like that thought.

OK - heading out to play with the little one.
Peace be with you.

Exhausted

I can barely keep my eyes open, I think I was so stressed that when the MRI was over I just was so tired. Now, for some I am sure that the breast MRI is nothing. Thank heavens it was a nice day - I was able to look out the view finder to the outside. You look at this Yucca tree/bush. I made a cd of my favorites. Which I have to tell you, since I got that Iphone, and use the ipod I put some songs in my favorites, then when I play them and the next song comes up - I say - oh I love that song.....meaning - of course I do - I picked them silly.

I went to Sams club after my MRI to pick up a few things. I still had the "mask" look - go back to the last year MRI - so I think that people were looking at me a bit funny. Oh well I say!!!

As soon as I get the ice cream put away - 12 gallons I think for the party - I am going to bed.
Peace be with you.

Updates

Here is a HUGE card that my sister sent - you open it and it "flushes" all the stress away. Funny!

Can’t a girl catch a break. I am just numb and really can’t figure this out. I am pissed, scared, sad and mad. I can’t go through this again. How can I? I had my follow up mammogram last week and then was called back for more tests yesterday. They did the mammograms and ultrasound. Nothing on the ultrasound but there were calcifications on the mammograms. So, now, an MRI. The one that I was so scared to do last year at this time, here we go again. I am copying some songs for the hour that I am in the tube. I hate this. Now, my celebration nose ring poses an issue – I have to stop to get it out before the MRI. I guess he’ll put something in there to hold it open.

Oh, happy birthday to me. Had a good day, got calls from everyone and enjoyed some cake and presents. My sister topped it off. All I can say is that she has such a creative way and put into words things that I have said, thought and blogged. I cried. And read it again, and cried.

What flashes in my mind is I have a full load of classes to start in a month, I have other things to work on for “me” and of course I have to finish work – get the training done for those people. I can’t go through what I did a year ago. And, if something is up – then – I am for sure not doing ANY reconstructive surgery.

Another “oh” – I was at the Starbucks by work and got a call from my breast surgeon. I don’t think that is a good. She said to see her on Monday to review the results of the MRI. Crap…did I say CRAP! I am tired. Before I imagine this to be more of what this is - I need to just take my minute by minute day by day and then get the results on Monday. Long.....long weekend. Time to turn in.
Peace be with you

Don't look if this freaks you out - Boobies!!!!!

Here is the update. Lets see - these were taken last week - so 7-12-08 how about we just say 10 months out from my mastectomy and TRAM. I have not updated pics.....as you can see my scars have healed pretty well. My belly button is "made" and it really high up. Don't know why. I have my dog ears - that is what they call it on my hip to hip scar. It is gross you can see these fat little things thru some of my workout clothes.
Here is my hair - crazy hair - I love it. Put gel in it and let it go!
This is more of a pic to look at my stomach muscle. On the right of the pic (my left side) you see there is an indent.

Here is the top of the flap.
And the entire flap - the "knot" on the right side.

Here is a better view of the scars.

Sad News

I just can't stand this. I am numb. Here is my letter to a friend. The one I just wrote about.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine the struggle that you went through supporting your husband every inch of the way. My hope is that you are now at peace as your husband is in a better place. I do not know what you are going through, nor do I ever want to feel that way. I do know that the end of life is in us all. Each of us will reach it in our own different way. My heart is really torn, I can remember writing an email saying that your husband and I could be "chemo" buddies. As life for us continues, I want you to know that some day you will return to the routine of the day, the week, the month. But now, it is living purposefully and with great appreciation of what surrounds you and what you choose to do with the time. I know that we talked of being strong, really what is that? We just get through as best as we can and come out the other side. Sometimes stronger yes, and sometimes questioning more. My thoughts are with you and your family. May your heart mend soon.

The news of her husbands death makes me so sad. On the other hand, it really makes me hold onto how I am living my life - as this cancer is real. Not that I thought it was fake before - but I think coming out the other side of it leaves a lot of questions in general. I also find it really interesting how people turn something like this 'experience" into something else. I happened on a website - and this lady did public speaking. What about? You guessed it. She could "key note" speak. Well, hats off to her - guess she has turned it into a money maker. As I sort through what I am focusing on for my studies - I am leaning towards doing something within the health service side - there has to be some tie to my organizational intergenerational workforce that goes hand in hand. I'll figure it out over the next year.

Here is what I noticed today. People don't look at me strange anymore. Well, they may because of the short hair - but not like the "bald" head. I am very happy about that! And soon, my hair will be back in at a length that will not promote any stares.

Off to do some running around and then go read books to Lilli's class.
Peace be with you.

It is Sunday and it is late. I can't sleep as it is raining and I just read an email from a friend. It said that her husband is now in hospice care. We both started Chemo about the same time. May peace be with her during this time. May her mind be quiet at times just to sit and reflect. I wish her a few special moments with her husband during this time. It has been a rough road. It is a road in which I have been spared, at least for this time. And that, is why I can't sleep. I can't sleep know that there are so many people out there having a rough go at it. I can't sleep because I know that my "spa" mate from Thursday is now feeling the effects of the Chemo. I can't sleep because I am really looking forward to the Mamma Mia movie. Selfish - yes. Alive - yes. Appreciating my life - you bet.

I also have been thinking about doing too much. For me that is just a way of life. "Push through it" is what I say often. Tired and want to take a nap - just push through it - but now - in a strange way I am ready to take it easier. I know that I do too much and then get pissed because I get to the end of my rope. So, I am going to try not doing so much and then enjoy the fall semester by really diving into my studies. That is what I really do love and need to focus on - before I know it my studies will be done.

So, I am now tired and need to go to bed. It has been a long weekend and I am ready to get back into swing of the routine of the week.
Peace be with you.

Here is the hair

I had a bad night last night from the herceptin. It is not the herceptin rather the bendryl. I hate it. I am so out there all I want to do is sleep. As I try - Lilli is just being herself and boom I am not able to sleep. Finally I had to lock myself in her room to get sleep while she stayed with her daddy in the other room. Drives me nutty that I get like that - not good for anyone. I have 8 more infusions left - 8 times 3 weeks - that'll tell you when I am done. Not sure - maybe after the 1st of the year. Yesterday I just wanted to have it be done. It was really busy with the holiday. I do have to say that there was this gal, her first Chemo. What I thought was - what a way to spend the 4th. As I watched Chris the nurse - her way is just so assuring. She has that talent the "it" factor. Anyhow, this lady was scared, did not know what to expect and then 2 hours later, she was done. I thought that mine were longer than that - I'll have to go back and look. Now, I wonder how she is doing today. She is on every other week so I'll bump into later down the road. I am including pics of my hair. I took the top one at my dancing class. After my ankle hurt and my foot hurt - I ended up going back this week. Can't tell you why - but I really enjoy it. I see myself getting stronger and maybe one day I'll look in that mirror and see a strong person inside and out. Instead of that fat bald girl - I feel as if I am getting to somewhere in this journey.

Yes - I am wearing a sweater. 95 degrees today but it is chilly inside. We had a great day at the parade today. I walked 8100 steps today. So, this "social" me - well - I love being part of the organization. They offered a program to do 10000 steps a day. I am pretty close. I bet that I won't have any trouble on Saturday!
OK. I am pooped. Once again, ran out of time in the day - but just can't do any more. I'll drink more water - out herceptin out!!! And will continue this weekend to do the same.