The power of a hug.  An authentic hug.  This is what I felt and witnessed today.  The exchange was between a professor and a student.  I did not know what the relationship was, but the energy that I felt - the true sense of being an authentic person to person, human to human and the joy that they shared when they saw each other was great.  The amazing part is that the older person (professor) most likely had no idea of the impact she had on other people.  Amazing stuff if you take the time to just stand back and observe.  

Everyday little things.  So, my insurance is going to change.  The good news is that the insurance is back to what it was before.  Great news for Lilli's doc!  Can't wait to see her.  Then as the conversation turned to me, oh my - am I going to have to change to a new oncologist?  That is a heavy thing that I have never felt before.  As the words were coming out of my mouth, my husband said "I have to change too" - and I guess daggers could be see shooting off the car ceiling.  I answered - "Have you had cancer and oncologist that you would see on a weekly basis?".  I have never been really good with zingers - can't think on my feet and I am really a reflective learner - have to think about thinking about something. ;-)  Alas, my cancer center takes the new insurance and I am very happy.  No more stress about that - onto other stressors.  

I wrote something down on Sunday and forgot it at work - so I am paraphrasing.  What was said is that we are the agents of change and not victims.  When we see that we are the ones that need change - and not being a victim, that is the true sense of transformation.  Funny thing, as I was listening, and they were talking about transformation - I could only think - you have part of it correct - I have learned so much about transformation, triggers, journeys and the like.

Kids say the funniest things.  So, don't tell anyone, just between us, on my Iphone I have all different songs.  In my crappy car I have an adaptor - tape that I plug in so my phone works in the speakers.  Anyway - we crank up Pink, Sheryl Crow, Lily Allen and Mamma Mia.  Bowling for Soup "Greatest Day" gets us rocking in the morning.  And, above all, I play the air drums.  Who needs guitar hero when you can rock out with a 4 year old.  Dance like no one is looking, hell, sing like no one cares.  You know why - I don't care if you see me air drumming.  Sorry that you can be in the car with me!  Oh - Lilli says that I must be 1000 years old......nice!

Enough for one day.  So "how are you doing today" fine I say....fine - that is my mom's word....I feel 75% physically and about 110% mentally.  Somewhere in the middle is "fine".  Today I feel empowered and really am grateful for what I know is today.  Tomorrow, that is another day.  Another day to say "look, it is our lucky day - we see a balloon!".

Peace be with you.

Random thoughts

As I once again can't sleep, I thought I would get up and write some for my scholarships that I am applying. But, it is a strange thought, me writing for a scholarship to pay for my time to write my dissertation and I am applying for cancer ones. Strange indeed, who would had thunk! :-) But, there are some out there, at different levels of money and I am going to try for them since I fully understand about the "giving" back in the name of someone. Actually, that would be a good legacy to have a celebration as such.

In July which is right around the corner, I'll be two years out from the diagnoses. Wow, it seems as if time does fly. When talking to my dad the other day I remember a year ago just like it was yesterday, I was up in Santa Fe with my sister and my nieces. It was after my last chemo and I was on the road back. Looking ahead another year, wow, I am going to be ABD and working towards dissertation. As only I can lead my life, that is how I do things, with a clear goal. I also really think that everything for a reason. I have stuck to my thought about people that I just don't want to be a part of anymore - and that happens. As my life evolves yet comes back full circle, things can change and do change. I am slipping back into the routine of life, which means for me, a full day, a full night and then hopefully a break here and there. Back to taking and picking up Lilli, taking care of everything. So, I guess in many people eyes it is "normal". Yet, what people don't see, they can't feel what I feel, the tightness in my stomach due to the TRAM, and me just wanting to slouch over just a bit because I am really tired. Trying to figure out my hair, waves and all. People just don't see that although I may look like I am just going along with life, I really do have my goals clear, my plan in place and working towards the future. I don't go outside of my comfort zone too much, yet life is just not boring. Otherwise I would shake it up. But, I still hold to the fact that I am free to do what I want and be, I am free to live without being guilty of how I want to live and mostly, I am a human.

Another random thought is that I have to say that those quotes, although I use them at times for the right occasion, I wonder if people really do think of the quotes they attach to their emails. It reminds of the gal that said she knew exactly how she wanted to live her life because you never know when you'll get to the end. My comment is, you can say that - but do you really mean that? I am not sure. You don't know what it is like to be fuzzy from Chemo and it is so out of your control. Try living life to the fullest when you can barely walk due to bone pain.

I am tired yet can't sleep and finding that maybe I just need to call it quits for tonight.

Peace be with you.

On days you want to remember

It seems as if there are just days in which you feel pretty good and that you know things are moving the the right direction.

That is just the thought I have for the day.

Peace be with you.

One more year

Good news, my mammogram came back OK - I have one year before I need to go through that again. And, I am happy. I can finally breathe after the last year and 1/2. On the other hand, my cousin is just finding out that her breast cancer maybe a bit more than what she thought. I hate knowing that she is going through the same uncertainty and the "what else". For heavens sake, what else. Not really the why me - but it is - could it be something else and your whole world starts spinning. I say those safety nets need to start being extended, and when asked of how to help, I say, all of us need to extend our safety nets to everyone in our circle. For those that are in the "club" even more so. We are never "done" with this nasty thing called cancer, be we really are those warriors, ready to battle a another day.

I need to write an essay for a scholarship, I don't even know where to start. Then, at some point I do wonder about taking advantage of the cancer. Goodness, that is a hard one for sure.

I really don't have too much to write about tonight as I am just pooped. Days for me are pretty long, especially on the weekends. Finally at 9p.m. I can wind down, yet, think that I can get something done.

So, here is just a funny before I sign off. Our life is in increments of oil changes. Here is what I think, I just had an oil change on my car the other day. The date came back on my next oil change is due 5/31/09. When that date hits, I'll be done with classes, getting closer to the fall semester, done with a huge chunk of worry, and yet, the next oil change, 3 months later, what will that bring. The end of summer, Lilli going to Pre-K. Goodness. Life is about oil changes.

Peace be with you.