Santa is almost here

As I lay in the emergency room (more later) with Lilli on my chest, I was thinking, "Just be" "just be still". That is what I always used to say - I just wanted to be. Which means, to be and be OK within the element you are in. As I read a note from a long time friend and he mentioned that, I reflect and wonder if I am "being"? I don't know. It is more of looking at each day and surviving the day. Although I am sure many people say that they really thank someone for that day, there are days in which I just am looking at getting through it the best way I know how.I am also here to tell you that during this time of the Holidays, I am happy that I chose to set up the Chemo during this time. That way I don't have to worry about outside stressors. As of the 25th, I have a two week break from teaching a class that I was given in December. Things slow down a bit for everyone. And, I can say that hopefully by the New Year, I'll be on the upswing from the nausea. This last go, I had some really bad stomach problems that made me want to go on a liquid diet. Trust me, I won't go into details - but I do want to document it here that I encountered lots of yuck. Just drinking lots of water, taking my pills and hoping for the best. My "tummy tuck" doesn't like to be stretched at all. I have been really aware not to gain weight and will not in the near future. After my tummy troubles, this is really true!This week I go to the Dr. on Wed for my before Chemo visit. I am going to ask him when I will be cleared to get my nose pierced. Guess I can't do that during Chemo - so we will see. Then, I'll post it here when the date I'll be getting it. Others can join me virtually (and thank you all for the support). Send pictures and I'll upload them. Sisters unite I say!OK, so my poor little baby. She was a bit under the weather all week, coughing etc. Tried to get her into her Dr. on Friday - the Dr. was not in. So, I went to a local family practice. It was a BAD experience. They gave her penicillin and said it was an ear infection. Then on Sunday she woke up barfing. Yes, thank heavens this is my good week. Oh my, I would had had to pull strength from the bottom of my toes to deal with this. We ended up going to the emergency room at about 7:30a.m. They took chest xrays, and took blood, and inserted an IV, two bags of fluid and one bag of antibiotic. She did have an ear infection, and the Dr. says one lung has pneumonia. At 4:00p.m. they let us go. After a long long minute to minute, hour to hour trying to get Lilli not to concentrate on her IV. She was a trooper. Did not even cry for the IV. Ask her Dad how he did, that is a different story. So I ponder, as mothers, does anyone tell you how strong you have to be no matter what. Here is a funny. I put on one of my chemo hats and walked out the door that morning. I put my purple scarf around my neck. So, I ended up wearing my purple scarf on my head. What the heck, it matched my turtleneck!The 26th marks my 12 weeks post op. I was talking to my sister this last week, would I do it again? Would I have the reconstruction? Right now it is hard to say. The recoup time was really long. I still don't feel as if I can lift heavy things. It takes all of my might to lift Lilli and she is 35 pounds. So, I am going to let a little more time pass to make up my mind on this subject. Mostly what bothers me is the stomach. I don't think it is like a regular c section where they get you hip to hip. This always pulls and you know it is there. And, clothes fit differently.One last note - maybe this should had been my first words. Thank you everyone for your well wishes and your cards. It mean more than you will know. For a gal that usually is pretty good with thank you cards, I have not done such a great job through this ordeal to thank everyone. Just know that I really appreciate the cards, calls and well wishes. Merry Christmas everyone.


My sister was supposed help me with my head wrap - guess what - looks like I took up a new religion -

I had a client visit - put on the wig. Kept my noggin warm, still looks like a wig.

Happy Winter Solstice

So here is what I have decided. Winter Solstice. I have always loved this day - out with the old in with the what is a head of us. So, as I was driving today listening to songs reflecting the Solstice, I am going to make this day of my new beginning (for now). Check out "Winter Solstice Carol" by William Beckstrand. I could not find a link to it. Maybe if you can search a bit more and listen on the radio - that would be good. He took a poem and had a Choir in MSP sing it. Just a delight. I am going back to my local NPR station and look up the link so I can listen again. Here is something I found.

This longest night your candle light, Keep watch over all the earth; Welcome hope and cheer as the dawn draws near And rejoice! Rejoice at the sun's rebirth.

OK time to run, I am getting stuff done before the snow.

Things that don't stop

Here is what I meant to put in the first one....
Things that don't stop.......even when you feel nauseated........

A toddler that is using her own "potty" - which means that there are little presents in there at times.....

People that wear perfume....

Dishes that don't get done

Messes in the house, such as folded laundry that doesn't get put away......

Bills........

And the good ones,

Talking to people that understand when you have to make it a short call.....
Those people that understand when you are snappy.....
Being able to go to sleep to make it go away for a while.......

And, many more. But, here is what I know, there are a lot of people out there that are just living life and don't realize what surrounds them. I don't mean anything profound by that statement - but I do think that too many people just forget that it really is about having those people around you - via phone or in person to help outweigh those things that are bad and still go on even when nauseated....

Things that don't stop

So, this last treatment made me a bit nauseated. I did not like it. However, today is Wednesday and you know what that means - I am feeling better. I just got back from Sunflower market, and here is what I had at 8:30p.m. - cucumbers and warmed brie. I swear - the odd cravings you would think I would be pregnant. Trust me, I went to the store for Milk, picked up a few other things and thought when I got home I would have that snack. Strange. I am still a bit foggy. I did not take one pill today - thus I am thinking the fog is from the Chemo. My head is not straight and my eyes feel like a film is over them. Hard to explain. Not like a hangover - just like a fuzzy fog.

So, my sister came for a visit. It was nice. She is so good with Lilli - (yes thank you very much sister) and that is what Lilli needed. Took her out for a girls day of shopping. In the morning went my little blond headed mismatched baby and in the afternoon came walking in, a grown up little girl. Oh, how funny. She did spoil her!!! Lilli loves her new purple princess shoes. Today, after I picked her up from the babysitter - I went to get my turbans. Lilli only had those purple shoes on - so - off we went to the store. Oh well.

I have yet to wear my wig. Maybe tomorrow. Last Saturday we went to Chris' xmas party and I wore my scarf. For some reason that wig is just too much. Kinda gives me the creeps. Speaking of creeps - I decided that I felt so good this afternoon, I would try and fit this new, tummy tuck stomach into jeans. Two pairs later, forget it. I'll wait for the sales after the xmas rush. I have about 4 pairs of pants that I wear. And, with the change of the stomach, it effects the other part of the pants. So, droopy drawers. Oh, it could be worse. At least the other night when I wore a bra, it did not break my boob! Phew - I was worried.

My first round of xmas cards got out - my second round is still here. I am thinking that if you did not get one, then they will be new years cards! As I understand we are going to get a storm this weekend. That is OK with me, as long as it does not stick on the ground.

Time to go and watch the news through my filmy foggy eyes. Maybe a nice cup of tea, better yet, I think a sprite will hit the spot.

Feeling like the 2nd time

I am feeling OK. Not like the first time but also not tip top shape. I a really tired but get up a couple of times a night. It is crazy how you go from great to yuck.

Thoughts on a late rainy night...

Dropped off my paper at school. Gave the prof some homemade goodies and a Thank You note. She is a great person. Who knows what grade I'll get on the paper - it is DONE! I can't tell you how great that feels. Looking back, how did I do this? With lots of help for sure.

I thought I would add a few notes. Hey if anyone has their Official Parenting Manual - pull it out please! So, as a parent, going through the tough time with the surgeries, shaving my head brought up new questions. Do you hide the head until the hair grows back? Some people do. Or, should we just embrace it and include Lilli. We decided to do the latter. I hope that years down the road she doesn't have to go to therapy! But, this little girl is smart. It would had been hard to put together the "why" if I just was bald. She got used to me wearing the turban for the last week. And, every now and again she would grab my hair **** Yikes! So, when faced with these things, what does a gal do? The answer is the best you can with what your gut tells you. Was it hard, yes. Did we think about it - you bet. Does it matter today - not to her. That is the beauty of a little girl, it keeps life fresh and in perspective.

Another great day and now it is officially tomorrow. I need to relax and climb into my bed. The rain will soon turn to snow, and the only thing I need to do in the morning is go to the vampire lady and get blood drawn. The good week goes too quickly. Oops - that reminds me - better order my expensive meds while I am thinking about it - then off to bed.

Sunday is the day to be bald - take a look

It was time to cut the hair. I can't believe the difference. My head doesn't hurt any more thank heavens! Get ready to see me bald. Chris says I look my dad. I say pinhead! Just call me Ms. Pinhead please. So, Lilli and I went to the Natural History Museum to celebrate. She kept rubbing my head saying I like your new haircut. Back to the big day out - for the first day in a really long time I felt normal. Strange. No more hair - but I felt good! So, we enjoyed an hour or so looking at different "ages" in the museum, had a delightful lunch in their little cafe. I bet you are wondering what I wore to the event. My black chemo hat my sister made. It was great. But hot. So, I got into my car - took off the hat. Went across town in all of my loveliness. I think that the hats, durag (I am wearing it now) and baseball hat is good. I am going to try my luck at a scarf and see how it goes.
Here is a pic of my sweet girl combing my hair.
The barber. May have been the hardest thing for him to do. Goodness, it was hard. When it was over, there was such a sense of relief. Bye bye hair for a few months.
Here I am. Lilli is cutting Mommy's hair.
Here I am. No hiding here. This is me. I'll post some others with scarfs and hats when I have time.
Look at that mess. It hurt so badly. Oh - I have a dent in my head at the top. Yes - that is from that big ice cube maker that slammed into my head many years ago at Racines. Yikes.

Some benefits

There are some benefits to this hair loss thing - many people just think about losing the flowing mane of hair....well....you lose it everywhere. Which means this - when I shaved my legs three days ago - it is not growing back. Yes - isn't that nice. Let's see, I have at least another month or so of no shaving. Nice huh? Jealous? Now, don't go that far! So, how do you lose your hair? I was afraid to put my clip in the front of my hair, would it pull out a huge clump of hair? I would be left with a big bald spot in the front of my head? Nope. Here is how it goes - one strand at a time. My head hurts, felt like darts yesterday when I did not wear a hat. At the end of my hair root - that is where it hurts. The Dr. said it would, and it does. So, for the last few days I have been shampooing my hair, do a bit of brushing on the top layer and that is it. I wore the turban to bed so that it could catch the hair. It did. Good idea. Then, last night we went to Old town to see the tree lighting. Wore my beanie. And, you'll never believe what I did this morning.
I am feeling great - almost normal. OK, not so much but not barfy. Everyone do a dance. I decided that this weekend is my weekend to go Xmas shopping. It also happens to be a weekend that the retailers are pushing to get sales. Up at 5:45a.m., at the store by 6:15a.m. Mary came with me. What fun. Got most of the shopping done by 9a.m. and had a nice hot chocolate to boot. I'll put final touches on some of the gifts this week and then I'll be done. I am getting ready for next Thursday and thinking ahead. Here are a couple of pics - one at 6:00a.m. I am ready to go - it was windy so I wore the ball cap from my sister.
This is during the day - wearing the turban. I think that tonight Chris is going to cut/shave my hair. It is getting to be a mess. I keep finding the hair all over. Yuck.

Could I eat more red licorice?

I was quite snappy and crabby yesterday. Oh well. Today is a new day. So, here is what happened. I got hungry. OK - sounds silly but I really watch what I eat - small meals just "in case". Stay away from fried foods, etc. See, I am telling you, that will make one snappy and crabby. Here is what I can't do without right now. Red Vine (brand name) licorice. Yes - that red rubbery chewy fake stuff is so sweet that it makes you cringe - but tastes so good to me. I ate 8 pieces last night. I also am on the cucumber thing. That makes sense - fresh - clean - tastes good. And, mixed with my other "chemo" favorite - black olives! HUGE black olives. This morning I was on to pancakes , the frozen ones that I give Lilli. Bland and good. So, I thought I would just jot a note before I start my day here at school. Finally feeling good - one good week ahead of me. Watch out - I am baking Christmas Cookies next week!!!!

Oh - hair is holding on. "Hang on little tomato" as my friend Jim says.... It is going to start going soon, but I got thru 2 treatments. Not bad.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

So that is what my sister says - waiting for the other shoe to drop. Meaning, I felt OK this time around. But now I am waiting! No huge headaches, I had some bits of nausea throughout the weekend and took lots of medication. I survived the weekend, and now I am feeling decent. Yippee! It really is all relative. If you feel like shit the first time, anything better is looking on the up side! Last night I have to say that I was just out of sorts. Hot face, sore sore sore shoulders and back. I could not wait for bedtime. I feel asleep about 8p.m. and did not get up until 2:30a.m. Thank heavens. I have "bone pain" ohhhhh my aching bones. Seriously, my left femur does hurt inside. You know, that deep pain. I am holding off on any wacky meds until time for bed.

This morning I thought it was going to be a bad (icky) day. I did everything I could to drop off Lilli and come home. My thought was to go to school and get my paper done, nope. I came home, and made some tea, organized the top of the TV stand. Righty - oh - put Santa on the top of the TV dresser thing (in the front room) for a bit of Christmas.

Now, I have two hours and I'll grade papers. Get that done so it is off my plate. Another day, another day closer to getting this toxic thing done. More later - hopefully I'll take some nice pictures of our 60 degree beautiful day here.