Random thoughts

As I once again can't sleep, I thought I would get up and write some for my scholarships that I am applying. But, it is a strange thought, me writing for a scholarship to pay for my time to write my dissertation and I am applying for cancer ones. Strange indeed, who would had thunk! :-) But, there are some out there, at different levels of money and I am going to try for them since I fully understand about the "giving" back in the name of someone. Actually, that would be a good legacy to have a celebration as such.

In July which is right around the corner, I'll be two years out from the diagnoses. Wow, it seems as if time does fly. When talking to my dad the other day I remember a year ago just like it was yesterday, I was up in Santa Fe with my sister and my nieces. It was after my last chemo and I was on the road back. Looking ahead another year, wow, I am going to be ABD and working towards dissertation. As only I can lead my life, that is how I do things, with a clear goal. I also really think that everything for a reason. I have stuck to my thought about people that I just don't want to be a part of anymore - and that happens. As my life evolves yet comes back full circle, things can change and do change. I am slipping back into the routine of life, which means for me, a full day, a full night and then hopefully a break here and there. Back to taking and picking up Lilli, taking care of everything. So, I guess in many people eyes it is "normal". Yet, what people don't see, they can't feel what I feel, the tightness in my stomach due to the TRAM, and me just wanting to slouch over just a bit because I am really tired. Trying to figure out my hair, waves and all. People just don't see that although I may look like I am just going along with life, I really do have my goals clear, my plan in place and working towards the future. I don't go outside of my comfort zone too much, yet life is just not boring. Otherwise I would shake it up. But, I still hold to the fact that I am free to do what I want and be, I am free to live without being guilty of how I want to live and mostly, I am a human.

Another random thought is that I have to say that those quotes, although I use them at times for the right occasion, I wonder if people really do think of the quotes they attach to their emails. It reminds of the gal that said she knew exactly how she wanted to live her life because you never know when you'll get to the end. My comment is, you can say that - but do you really mean that? I am not sure. You don't know what it is like to be fuzzy from Chemo and it is so out of your control. Try living life to the fullest when you can barely walk due to bone pain.

I am tired yet can't sleep and finding that maybe I just need to call it quits for tonight.

Peace be with you.