Lift and Support

Look at this - four days of tea parties for Susan's family. I bet they are saying...enough already!

I say - thank you! What a great family.















Here is my gross hand but look at the cool ring!

It says "seek peace" -
Here is my mom getting ready for the party
And - here they are Mom and Jim. Look at my Mom - she is so prim and proper! They pulled out the real tea cups!
My best friend from school days - Lisa. Poor thing - sinus infection. She is still the coolest chick.

And, Here we are having our tea! Outside in this kooky bakery. Now that I look back on it - it fits me to a T! Anyone coming my way - I'll take you. This is Mary - you all know her as first my friend, and then my neighbor. She also is known in these parts as Auntie Mary. Oh - the wind was whippin so I wore a colorful purple head wrap.
Here is the tea and the "pig" Mary ate the head off of the cookie before we took the picture.
Great tea sent to me for the celebration. I am now officially hooked! Delightful. Thanks Michelle and Jim.

What a great feeling to have tea with all of my friends around the world! I was going to say country, but my friend Emily lives in Mexico, so - this tea party went international! (and Emily called to say that her daughter 20ish - says that I should get the peace sign tattoo on my head) I can't thank everyone enough for the thoughts and the celebration. It was more of the recurrent theme here, understanding that your friends and family are your strength. When you try to pull that strength from the bottom of your stomach, it is knowing that people have your back no matter what. Today, I put closure on something that I hope I never have to do again, Chemo - and mostly, I hope that none of you have to do it either. Trust me, if you do and need someone to come with you during an infusion, I am there for you.

At the crack of 8a.m. my friend back east sent me a photo of her tea and cookie - if I can figure how to get it from my phone to my computer - I'll share. She is a great gal and after over 11 years since I was in Tucson, it is really great to have her still in my life.

I went to school for a while - even "splurged" on a meter so I did not have to park and take the bus. Then had a delightful lunch with Mary. I had hummus - stay away for the garlic now is coming out of my pores. My idea was to go to the New Mexico Tea company which was across the street after lunch. Well....they just sold the tea - no serving. So we moved our party to a bakery next door that was wonderful.

Then, I came home and there was a surprise in my mailbox. The sweetest ring of peace from my friend Susan. She is my best friend from college and has been sending me cards all week! She and the family have celebrated with a tea party each day of their vacation. I have to scan the photos - it is great. And, I have to say they all look wonderful! Hard to believe all of those years have passed. So, early in the evening the UPS man rolls up.

A surprise. Oh my goodness - tea! So, I spent my last hours of the evening enjoying some real special tea. No more of the Trader Joes stuff - this was beautiful tea. I am now hooked! The company is teavana and they seem to be all over. Except here. I did notice there is one in Cherry Creek too! My friend Jim and his wife Michelle sent that. Of course - they are just so in tune to those type of things - very cool. I'll add the link sometime in the blog. Like I said - what a wonderful way to celebrate!

And then, I got a late email from my friend in Chicago. She said that she is sick but brewed a cup of tea just to celebrate. What a trooper!

Again, I am putting closure to this - I am ready to move on and get healthy in both mind and body. My energy level is not there - but I know it'll come back and then I'll start with getting out and walking a bit more. I can't wait. This has been a process, and I know it is only starting. There are changes that I have made to make my world better. I could not even imagine being in a place of "hate" when this thing started. What I mean by that - what if I was in a job that I hated? Or a city that I hated? So, I am very happy in the "space" I have created. I have pledged to start with me to be a better person day by day. I also have to carve sometime to give back to the community. I have always done this - but with Lilli, just have not made the time since she came into my life. So, soon, I'll figure out what I can do - I have some ideas here and bet your bottom dollar it will be cancer related. I have to pass on the kindness of those nurses - it can't just stop with me. You know I'll see them for another year with the Herceptin crap - but you know what I am saying.

Oh, a funny thing that I thought of - I am always thinking - I was putting on my clothes in the morning and decided to go all out and wear one of my bra's (you know that is a LONG story). So I did some self talk and cracked myself up - I needed some lift and support.......and that is exactly what the day was about lifting ones spirit and supporting each other. I just happened to be in the middle of it all. Lift and support - I like it!

And finally, thoughts on being selfish. Usually as women we give of ourselves until we don't know who we are. We become blended into our significant others, our children, our families. When is it OK to be selfish? That is a struggle of mine. Instead of saying "no" we do things anyhow. So that is a question for you. When to be a selfish person and feel good about it? It is hard, I think mostly for woman to come up with that answer. I also go back to a conversation I had with my college buddy Susan (notice I have another close friend Susan in Texas and another Susan here....) about safety nets. That has played through my head all of these months. Why do we as females have to set up safety nets for ourselves? Just in case. Like I did each day before my infusion - I would clean (to the best of my energy) the house. I would make sure that the sink got clean, the toilets etc. So, that when I walked in the door and felt crappy - I did not have to worry. I would let the dishes pile up until I felt good again and then clean. So why the safety nets of the the just in case. I have leaned on my friends and mostly my family for those nets. Now, that is being selfish. That is OK. The biggest lesson I have learned is my value of my family. I say no more - but my feelings are so much deeper for my family. Off of that and onto pictures. And with that - I close for the day. Thank you all. I am going to enjoy the day of sunshine and warmth. Enjoy your day.

I have to just whine for a moment here. This sucks. I don't know how people get through this with taking the high road and not complaining! My finger tips and toes are numb. My fingernails are really cracking and coming off. For some reason my thing 1 hurts. So, here I am still taking pain pills. Hate it. But, I just don't see a reason why to go through this in pain. Hell no.

I uploaded how I look on Monday nights - this is when I am online during my class on Mondays. It is live - they can hear me - and thank heavens they can see me!!!!

My sister sent me a nice new tea cup and some fancy tea. We started drinking the tea tonight - it is great. Here is what I know - there will be a day that I forget about the bone pain, the numbness, the thing 1 pain. What I thought about today is how my stomach feels as if it has been cut side to side. Hmmmm, because it has - but that was 6 months ago. I need to upload some pictures to show how it is healing.

OK - it is late - I am going to bed.

Here is a new one for you. How about walking into a bank with a hat. Have you thought about that lately? I went to the credit union here on campus to see what they have as far as accounts etc. (see that law of affirmation - I am planning on getting a part time job here.....) and the sign read: "please take off your hat and sunglasses". Well of course - what the heck am I thinking - they may mistake me for that bald bank robber! Seriously, I did not even think about it. So, I opened the door and said - hey if you want me to take off my hat fine - but I am bald under here! So, she looked at me and gave me "that's okay" look. Could you see it now - cops all around the building...goodness - just another thing. And, in addition to that - my nose was running away...fast fast fast it was going. She went to shake my hand, and I was like - do you really want to shake my hand with a snotty Kleenex in it? Nope - so once again she gave me that "that's okay" look.

Just to let everyone know, spring has sprung and I enjoyed my lunch on the 2nd floor balcony at school. It is so nice outside with the sun beating down on me. I love that feeling. Am I part cat I ponder...... Quickly I thought - oh no - that Taxol is still in me and I need to stay out of the sun. So I went inside and got my 59 cent cup of joe. And now doing some research.
How delightful can life be.

Here is something else that I have not written but I have thought as I leave my class on Tuesdays. Can attending a class make you high, drunk (use your own word)? God knows it has been a long while since I had a glass of wine, but each time I go to class, engage with the prof and other students, I walk out of there just happy as can be. There is a little spring in my step as I go and catch the bus to go to my car. I feel great. The ah so great that you want to roll down the car window and let people in on your secret. Pssstttt roll down your window - I want to let you in on a secret. I am sure that people would just look at me with a strange look. Oh my, I forgot, I did wear that green thing on my head last week, they already look at me weird.

I have once again gone off on a tangent. I seriously will say that everything happens for a reason. I have this fabulous adviser that is so in tune. I visited with her yesterday and I'll tell you what - I feel as if I am in this program to meet her and to squeeze the knowledge out of her. What a fabulous person she is.

Ok - enough - I need to go. It is time for class, just wait - I'll have that feeling in a few hours and then won't need to take pain pills tonight!

What I believe

Here are a couple of thoughts......
I believe in creating your own happiness. And it happens that Oprah is also thinking that way. Since this is not an academic paper - I am not going to cite this. Here is what was on msn.com today.

They put best friends first.
It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark. (HEY - don't forget to pass it on and let your friends know that you love them!That is my addition!)


They allow themselves to be happy.
As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.


I am not really a big believer of every book on the Oprah list is "true". But - the awakening book is really what I have been talking about here. When I saw the 2 of the "happy" things - I thought I would share with all of you.

Also, I have been thinking about support. The reason why I think about this - do you support people for you or for them. Does that make sense?
The same question about mulling over cards in a card shop for a long time - is it to pick the perfect one...for them? Or you?

As for me - go back to that "fun". Feeling guilty. Why don't we all have a fun day and not feel guilty about that at all! Lets go to the zoo, or to Disney World - that would be fun. But, then, it would be a bit guilty feeling due to the amount of money spent at Disney World.

Update - tummy is still upset, knee, hip and side bone pain. Spacey as all get out - can't think straight and I am happy I won't have to deal with this much longer.

Ohhhhhhh the worst - my fingernails - very fine and they are coming off. Yuck. On that note - time to turn in.

Happy Easter

This is the second treatment that I did not take the steroid pills. I thought I would take the time to say that I am really crabby and snappy. Goodness, this just stinks. I do know that it'll go away in a day, but I can't tolerate anything or anybody after about 7p.m. My trick is to do something with Lilli during the day to make the day go quicker.

We had a nice Easter and went to church then to the museum of natural history. Nothing like a PB&J for lunch! Mostly Lilli likes to watch people in the cafe and I can't disagree with that.

Here is something that MY friend of over 30 years mentioned to me and made me think about how things go with that "pass it on" attitude. My first infusion there was this gal that bopped into the room. She was wearing the "pumpkin hat". Well, she made me feel better by telling that all would be OK. Thus, I hope that I could pass that on. Makes me wonder - wouldn't it make sense to have a buddy for 1st time chemo patients. Just thinking.

Off to bed I go. May tomorrow not be so snappy and crabby and I not have bone pain. Who cares - a few more days and I'll feel good. Cross my fingers, it will be a memory some day.

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an important date!

Here is my disclaimer - upfront. Today was my last taxol and my mind is a little more "chemo brain" than usual. By the way - it was really confirmed that I do have chemo brain when several items were brought to my attention last weekend with my sister. At least she can tell it to me like it is and I don't get mad. Further more - my niece can just laugh about the silly things I say - so, take advantage of it now!!!!! And, it took me like 6 hours to do my mid-term clean up for my Stats class. He gave us the opportunity to gain back some points.

Here is something cool my dad did - made a poster. Neato.

Here is the scoop - have a cup of tea or coffee on March 28th and think of me. We will all have a virtual tea party.



God bless my dad, I told him he could drink coffee next week instead of tea!

Here is the last Taxol. Take a look - my nurse tried one vein. She said "did you drink water this morning?" My vein was not great - it was tired. Let's face it - those darn things need a break! She got it on the second try. For some reason I thought she said a "dull needle" and I said that I wanted a sharp needle for the love of God! Ha ha ha. here is the poke, ouch, and off we go!
Here I am in my favorite chair. Oh, I did not mention , I was late! I hate being late. For some reason I hit every light, and I was running about 5 minutes late, then all of the lights turned into 10. I rushed in with "the kitchen sink" - computer, tea, chocolates (thanks Dad - everyone enjoyed them!), water and music. Blood pressure was high for me 123/70 - who knows, could it be the tardiness and the anticipation. I bet. And, I have gained 5 pounds. GEEEEEEZZZZ. One more week of this stuff to get out of my body and then I should be able to get into a routine. What a day. Look at my table. My nurses got me tulips and chocolates for my last taxol. The joint was jumping! At least none of that blood stuff was happening - didn't get freaked out. Here is what I have not mentioned recently - I hate that twisting feeling of the needle in my vein. It is creepy. This started with all of the blood draws I did back in the IVF days. So, when I am doing infusions, I don't move my right hand. It just stays put.

There was a newcomer to the club. I could only imagine how she was feeling. She was the winner as far as the time went. I started at about 9:45 and got done at 3:30p.m. That poor girl started before me - 9:30ish and still was going after I left. As I write this tonight, I am still thinking about her. I hope that she will get through her first infusion without getting sick. There is so much going on, the last thing she needs is to feel icky. Oh, here is a cool thing - her support was there in force. This gal was in her 40's and her friend of 30 plus years and her husband was with her. Good I thought - you need that for sure! And, what I told her was the biggest thing I learned is how dear my friends are to me and how my relationships with my family had deepened for me. Again, you have to experience it to feel it. It is a transformational experience. And as I write my paper for the class I have been talking about - I am creating a model for a "frame of reference". It is all about experience and wow - what an experience this has been. OK - I am off on a tangent.

I have a confession dear readers - I have been watching Big Brother on showtime. Oh my goodness - this is crazy. It is an observation of human game play. More so it is how people screw with other peoples minds. Strange but I am hooked. Don't tell anyone. I'll be over soon and then I'll be done. Guess I could watch something else as crazy - oh well. Guilty guilty guilty for watching crap!!!!

I put my peace sign on my head today. Lilli had one on her hand. I got some tattoo's and thought that would be the best way to wear it. Tonight Chris said I should get a tattoo to replace the other boob one on my head. Nope, I don't think I'll do it. But it is almost nose piercing time. I need to coordinate dates with Mary to go with me - just in case I pass out.

So dear readers, my taxol is done. I went in kicking and screaming. I was sick, I felt as if it was something I did not want to do. Now I know it as the right thing. I am done (where is the wood to knock on) and to get through the 13 ( I think, or it is 14) herceptins.

My life has changed. My focus has changed. I have always been a bit of a different person, I have always believed that I am in control of my destiny. I still feel that way, I have been dealt the cards the way they are - so now - what I am I going to do about it. I still get bitchy and crabby, don't get me wrong, but I have to really step back and make sure that life is the way that I want it. I still am in control of my destiny. My first and foremost focus is to make sure my daughter. It has taken everything in my being to get through this and also try to be that strong mom that she deserves.

Enough. I think I'll have a snack - those damn steroids!!!!

Peace was felt on my side today - thank you all. Enjoy your weekend.

Support comes to town!

I have added some pics. My support team marched into town! See, those little headband things - funny. My nieces wore head wraps.




I have had a lot to say but have not taken the time to sit and just type out my thoughts. I heard this today on Fresh Air "I don't want to live my life flat" - isn't that great. That sums up what I think too! I don't want to have a blah life. I don't want to be fat and frumpy. I don't want to look at things and see the bad parts.

My sister and the girls came for a visit. What fun. Hanging out with a 17 year old and seeing how she views life is so interesting. My other niece is so quick on her toes - I bet a dollar she is going to be a comedian. She had me laughing! Can't believe how great they were with Lilli. And many firsts for them - Lilli saw her first movie, ate chocolate covered raisins - the whole bit. She loved it. I think that 1/2 of the reason she loved it was that she was sitting between her cousins at the theater!

So, here is how I can best explain how I look at myself. My sister brought some kooky headbands to wear for St. Patty's day - they had these green tufts of hair on the top - so Lisa and I wore them. The kids - well, they would not so we did. Looked goofy and that was the point. But, here is the story on that. You know if you are dressed up in costume, or like this - you forget you have these goofy things on your head, then you get a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror or for us, a storefront. Then you see those funny things on your head and recall they are up there. That is how I am living my life. I don't look at myself in mirrors, or in reflections. I am just me. Then, when I do look, what do I see, not someone that I want to see in the mirror. My biggest fear - losing my eyelashes came true. Oh, acronym
if you have not heard it - fear is False Expectations Appearing Real. Back in the day, I would have my eyelashes dyed. For heavens sake - if they did not fall out then, why the heck now.

So, can you tell I am a bit pissy today. My friend just spend 20 days in India, I talked with her this morning. How delightful - sounds as if the trip was full of great things - and also a bit exhausting. She always has a story and I love to hear it. That is why - I told her that I was pissy today and I did not need to spoil her day.....

My sister gave me the picture that I am displaying above. Here is what I really think - give sisters a hotel room and time to talk - we will solve the problems of the world! I have other picture - such as the tattoo that my niece put on my head - but they are on a different computer. Later I'll do that. Oh, that damn tattoo fell off and I could not find it! I was going to get my nose pierced with my sister being there - but I have this cold. I am so sick of being sick!!!!!! So, I did not want to pierce my nose with snot up there. Rather, due to the no nose hairs the snot does drip - but you know what I mean. I have made it thus far without dying, and just my luck I would get it pierced and then have an infection and have to get it cut off. Just a joke.

TaTa everyone - Peace be with you.
Ali

Music - it really has never been a big thing to me. You grow up with it - and don't think twice. Until now. For some reason, I love to hear old music that reminds me of something....... I read that music and smells can immediately transport you to a different time. So true. Especially as I listen to my MP3 player, the songs come up in the "random" option. Sometimes I walk across campus and just get engrossed in thoughts - just hearing what I am hearing. So, for a gal that loves to listen to the birds sing, there are times in which I need to get away. Especially when I am cranky. "Music take me away"!

The other night I was up late and veered away from the task at hand onto blogs. I started reading this one by this lady in San Francisco. She was in her mid 50's and had adopted a girl at the age of 50. This lady was talking about her fight with her ovarian cancer. The treatments and the challenges. Then the blog stopped. There was a link to another blog discussing how this gal was doing, then another link to her memorial service. The story sticks with me. Moral of the story, don't read these types of stories late at night when you are tired and worn out. And, have a large box of Kleenex next to you.

So another pondering question. When did Starbucks go back to "skinny" lattes? For the love of God, in the 80's before it was cool, we were calling the coffee drinks skinny in the Northwest. Then, it changed to "non fat" and that became the norm. You know, those damn Batista's will correct you if you say it wrong "I'll have a non fat latte with one splenda" turns into "OK, that is one grande skinny latte with splenda". Tomato or Tomatoe - just make the drink and by the way I AM BAAAACCCKKKKKKKK! Coffee smells good - and it tastes good. Finally. Finally the aroma makes me want to pull out my big mug and pour some Joe. On the other hand, I have an observation to make. Service people are extra nice to me when I topless (without hair or wrap). I think it takes them by surprise and I get a lot of "how ARE you?" The other day, I was in Tuesday Morning and the lady asked me for my license. Then made a comment and we both laughed. She is the first one to say something. Oh come on people - I have no hair and you ask for my license which has my pic from 2 1/2 years ago - 25 pounds heavier and with hair. Jeez.

Speaking of hair. I have been upfront and honest about everything on this blog. Why not, someone has to. I have hair growing back. One more Taxol to get thru - but there is hair activity. Where my kind reader would ask. Not in a place that I want it. Specifically over my lip. What the hell is going on - who in a higher power has a sense of humor. Funny funny funny, I have no hair but when it decides to come back it comes in bad places. Add to the bill, chopped off breast, $15,000, Chemo treatment $4000.00 per each, Blood tests $90.00, lip waxing......priceless. Can't wait for the rest of the fun things that will come up! Does anyone remember those epillady things?

Oh, I forgot, my complaining line. The sores are on my back and on my collar bones this time. Yuck. A few mouth sores. Still have bone pain, hips and femur, and a bit of numbness in my fingers. The stomach is still up and down.

And, I now have a cold. Gosh, can't a gal get a break here!!!! Lets hope it just passes and no major drugs or emergency room needed!

Peace to everyone. Enjoy what surrounds you today. Call a friend and say hi.

Don't hate me because I have an opinion!

Here is my view of many moons....
I did this on an intel play microscope, there are four moons. Each is rich with experiences......

Being authentic. That is where I want to start. I think that many people including me walk around searching for this authentic self. I want to stop searching for a while and experience. This is nothing new. In the early '90's I recall doing the whole authentic self. So, do you lose it as you change your experiences. Hmmm. So, here is me trying to become authentic, and out loud. I added my countdown clock to the bottom of this screen. Sorry, don't want to ruffle feathers my fine friends, but I am looking forward to change - and a BIG change. We shall see soon. And, if you recall I lived and traveled in and out of Bush country for years. Enough, now you know how I feel about the upcoming elections in Nov. If you have an opinion, vote. Otherwise shut up. There.

It is Friday, bone pain be gone! The fairy dust worked and I no longer have bone pain. Just the dripping nose. I saw my new Dr (need to change my reg doc for basic stuff) and he is great. Nice guy. Anyhow, he went thru fifty million questions and one was running nose..........why I say, because I have a tissue under my nostrils as we are speaking - sharp you are.....

Then I explained to the ol wise Dr. that I don't think my nose is dripping any more than before I started injecting toxic chemicals into my body - but I don't have nose hairs - each has been blown away!!!! I saw the light bulb goes off in that guys head. "I never thought of that" he says. I say, we need to make a bucket to hang off of the noses' of chemo patients - and we need to patent it and make millions! Haaaaa Haaaaaa, he saw the humor in it. I like this Dr.

Skip to my Lou, straight from the Grateful Dead, that is what is playing on my MP3 player. I downloaded Lilli's music to the player and so now I listen to things such as that.

Enough for this glorious Friday without bone pain. Only one more treatment that causes bone pain. Imagine, just imagine. It is part of the authentic self in which I am getting closer to.......imagine, just imagine.

Peace be with you.
Peace be upon us,
Peace be upon us,
Be upon us all
As-salaamu alykum
Wa-alaykum assalaam
Assalaam alykum
Wa-alaykum assalaam
Peace be upon us,
Peace be upon us,
Be upon us all

New Pic

Here we are in all of our glory! Lilli just got a new dress from her aunt and was showing it off. Reading books and playing - nothing better to take ones mind off of homework!!!!!!!

This one was pretty easy

As I am day 5 after the taxol, most of the bone pain is gone. Thank heavens. My knock knock joke worked! Here is what has happened with each of my treatments – lots of getting rid of nasty stuff from my body. I imagine it as the toxic stuff goes in – attacks what it needs to and more, then wants to get out, any way possible. And, EVERY way possible. Had blood drawn today – please don’t make me have a shot due to low counts (is it red or white). I can’t believe how good I am and I am going to feel great by Thursday – that is a day early. Do a dance. One note, I have not been sleeping. Tonight I am so tired but just ate a bunch of cookies. Yes that is right. I’ll write that here because if you read the little diddy below you know it’ll be OK. It is girl scout cookie time – and my friend sent me my cookies. Her little girl won the most sold. Competitive early! I don’t know why I can’t sleep. But, tonight, I will do my best to get some steady sleep. Oh, I also wonder if other people going thru chemo have sensitive teeth. My back teeth are so sensitive that I can’t stand it. Hot tea, cold water, cookies – they all hurt. Yep I endured the pain for the yummy cookies. Oh, a couple of thoughts that I have noticed – people go out of their way to say thank you and how are you? Why – cause I have a bald head? Today I was at World Market – and the last thing the lady said was “how are you feeling” and then “it’ll spring soon” and I thought – if she would only know! I had thought that I would talk politics today – it is too late but all I can say is it is very interesting! Here is something my sister sent me.


Dear Girl Talk Gals,
The other day I was at lunch with some of my girlfriends and we were talking about our next girls only get away... yes we actually did it! We took our first annual trip last year and we are in the midst of planning this year's adventure. Something I strongly encouraged you all to do last April, so I led the way! When the possibility of a beach trip came up, there was an audible cringe out of at least two of us. The mere thought of putting on a swimsuit is enough to make a grown woman cry!
When I got home I flashed back to an experience I had a few years ago. I was searching for a photo for a new picture frame I'd just bought. I sorted through dozens of snapshots—the ones I keep telling myself I will some day put in adorable scrapbooks—but for now they sit in shoe boxes.
As I poured over the pictures I had a few good laughs going down memory lane. The good times, the bad times, and the what-were-you-thinking outfits and haircuts.
Then I found the unthinkable—an old picture of me in a bikini! My husband had managed to snap a shot of me on the beach with my kids. I was instantly transported back to that day over 15 years ago. I vividly remembered changing swimming suits three or four times that morning trying to find one that I could bring myself to wear.
As I thought back about the morning, and how self-conscious I felt about wearing a swimsuit, I felt really stupid. Because you know what—I didn't look half bad back then. And yet I wasted precious energy and time stressing out over my not perfect body. What an idiot!
Fifteen years later I would love to have that body back. That very same body I anguished over back then! It was a real ah-ha moment for me. Fifteen years from now I will most likely wish I had the body back that I have today.
The reality is even the women we think have perfect bodies aren't content. We are all spending way too much time on if-only. If only I didn't have these stretch marks. If only I wasn't sagging here or there. If only I didn't have these love handles.
The moral of the story is... love the body you have RIGHT NOW.
Learning to accept ourselves just the way we are is one of the hardest things to do. And one of the most important.
Think of all the energy we waste worrying about wrinkles, saddle bags, cellulite, belly pouch and gray hair. Does it really matter? NO. Never was that more clear than when I stared at that photo from fifteen years ago and lamented over the time and energy lost worrying about nothing. I vowed right then and there to spend my time appreciating health and well being instead of berating myself over silly things like stretch marks.
Don't waste another minute of your precious time worrying about cellulite! That is what self-tanner is for. Ha!
Let's start today loving and accepting ourselves, lumps and all.
I challenge you to give yourself the gift of perspective. Go get out an old photo of yourself. Remember what you worried about back then... Not so bad, huh? So be gentler with the body you have today.
With swimsuit season just around the corner let's all try to love the body we are with instead of the one we wish we had.
You are beautiful just the way you are!
Dream Big,
http://www.femailcreations.com/default.aspx

knock knock

Knock knock
Who is there?
Bone pain
Bone pain who?
Bone pain go away.

Ok - it is not knock knock but I thought it a bit silly!

My sister sent me a reminder story about how we need to not worry about how we look in our own skin, and make sure you relish each day. So true, I'll post it here later.

My bone pain is here - in my knees, femur and tibia. Both legs. I hope that it'll go away soon! We had snow last night, but it turned out to be a very nice day today. Cold. I hope that tomorrow it is not bad.

Can I tell you that I am thrilled to say one more taxol. I keep telling myself that this week. And, in between my sister and the nieces are coming for a visit. We are going to do some fun stuff and enjoy a latte. Can't wait! It is these things that I hold onto and helps me keep focused.

Saw Toad and Frog yesterday. Lilli had a blast. Her favorite song is the cookie song. So how weird is this - if you recall we played the Sheryl Crow album on Friday, and I read a nice article in Parade on Sunday. Totally had forgotten that she too had breast cancer.

I have such a hard time with understanding surviorship. When is one a survivor? I really don't think it is while you are going through this stuff - wouldn't that be......lets see.....living through it....???? Then when you are done - that is surviving it....it is all confusing.

OK, enough for today. Oh, I am not so crabby and snappy!!!!! Just the usual (it is all relative is it not). Not taking those steroids it great!!! And, I really did not feel sick.

Enjoy your day, and your eyelashes too!!!!

When I look in the sky...

Sometimes I look into our blue skies and look at the planes passing by. Do you ever wonder where they are going? Who is traveling on the plane. That is a random thought of the day.