One year has come and gone

There a couple of notes that I have not blogged about.  Toe nails.  Officially I can see when my chemo stopped and above - it is gross.  As my toenails grow - the new stuff is coming in and thank heavens is good.  So my year anniversary of the mastectomy has come and gone.  It is hard to believe that on one hand it has been a year, on the other - it still seems as if I am in it fully.  As I have said earlier, for me, just for me, the road has so many twists and turns along the way.  There are just signs that you either see as "stop" take a look or "yield" I wonder.

I am looking forward to balloon fiesta next week and reconnecting with some old friends.  Hard to believe that next May will be 20 years that I moved to Vail and met so many neat people that are still in my life today.

With this short note, I sign off.

Peace be with you.

Ali

Not too much going on

Here are just some random thoughts for the day. Tattoo's. Now, I am not against tattoos at all. Of course, my one rose was cut off with the ol' boob, and I am fine with that. But, here is what I really wonder. I am in line to get my coffee this morning in the library Starbucks, and alas, there is this girl, I say girl, I bet she was about 18, with very visible tattoo's on her neck and her wrist. They were pretty, but I do wonder the why behind it and then does it just become part of the body at some point and it is seamless, she is one with the tattoo and the tattoo is one with her? Don't know. Meaning, does she see them anymore? So I wonder.

I just thought of something, next Friday is my one year anniversary for my mastectomy. And, the good news is that it is 1 day before my niece's birthday so we will be celebrating together! I think that my sister and I are going to a movie - so watch out - bring on the popcorn - time to celebrate!!!

I am so fortunate that the weather is wonderful here. I look up into those blue skies and really can reflect on being in a good space. I remember, just like a cat, I would sit in the sun when I was feeling bad and cold. And then, with the taxol it would make me hot.

So I ramble. Another week is over, and another busy week is upon us. I am happy to say that once a year I wash my windows in the house, inside and out and all of the screens getting ready for Balloon Fiesta. As long as I am here, and alive, I think I will look forward to Balloon fiesta. It is just a joyous time of the year.


For anyone that is into EI (Emotional Intelligence) check out human media.org and it is #131.

Peace be with you.

Tires blood and to do's

Here is the reality of my new normal. I made a "to do list" including getting my tires rotated and getting my blood drawn. Then, Lilli was taking the "to do" list and making her own - she put it on top of a picture she colored. The other day I looked into the back seat of the car and thought - isn't that funny, this is my life. And moreso - that list on top of a 3 1/2 year old picture that was colored.

So I ask the question - what is on your to do list? My hopes it is not to get your blood drawn for a CBC!

Peace be with you on this Saturday.

9/11

I have to write, that is just the feeling sometimes that I have to do before I go on with my day. Put thoughts down on paper. Trust me, I have several journals and thought places. For today it is here.

So I pause on Sept. 11th.....no, that is what everyone is saying on the news. No, please. Don't pause. Stop. Yes, stop what you are doing and think. Think about how your life has changed or what your life is about at this point. We all know where we were and what we were doing on 9/11/01. Now it is a time for us to really take this time to reflect. How has your life transformed. What am I thankful for. It is just amazing to me what has happened over the last 7 years in the life of the country and my personal life. And so it goes......

Now onto being scared. Last night I had an ice cream party at Casa Esperansa, it was fun. People of all ages, colors and faiths. After the "rush of people" I went and sat with this gal (55) that was all alone. We started talking. She has been thru radiation, she has had surgery and now onto the 3 day chemo. She has cut her hair in thoughts that it will soon fall out. She is scared. It is that FEAR in which is the worst pain. And so we talked. We laughed an mostly my lesson was to listen. It was my place just to be - be still. To understand. I have not been in the place that she has been, nor she with me, but for this "club" which I hate, we are all a part of the same. I cleaned up, and went home. Like so many other people that have touched my soul, this Shelia will stay with me and my thoughts will be with her on Monday. 3 Days of Chemo. I told her she will be just fine and she'll have a bad day or two, but she will get through it. And, she too will soon have the short hair do that we chemo people only know about. The secret lies within.

Peace be with you and all of those that may hurt on this day of 9/11.

Thoughts on a Sunday

I got through my infusion on Friday and it was a sad day - at least for a while - they are closing the cancer office on Fridays. Now I need to go on a different day. I guess that the work load for these people was too little. I say that with tongue and cheek. What, you want all of the seats filled all of the time. There are times, like Friday, in which people need to drop in and get something. Such as getting hydrated when you are sick. Anyhow - I was going to take a picture, but I did not.

I felt a bit odd on Friday night into Saturday morning. Odd, just because it was that - not sick - just really tired and icky. So, who knows, but at least I slept in on Saturday. I am so glad that I don't feel fuzzy anymore. That was a bad thing that happened after my treatment. I hated that. Just knowing that I would feel gross, with fuzzy thought. So I ramble.

Today was a good day. Went to church and the theme was simplicity. Mostly how to simplify your thoughts and your mind. I liked it. It spoke to me and what I want to do. For some reason I have tried to crowd myself with many thoughts and things when in reality - it is the simple things that I think that we all seek.

With getting back into the routine of school, I find that all of my time is reading. That is what it is about. It is the reading for those little nuggets that make you think on a different level and being open to learning new things. Or, at least how to break the old and reconstruct it in a new theory or model. Models and theories. Yes - that is my thought process - how does this flow - where would I put this in my model. Yipes. Oh, I did not mention, I got a crappy little office at the library. OK, it is really just a small room that one person can barely fit into but it is mine for the year and it is in the Library. My home, the library. I am truly living my dream and it is really about the Journey this time. This time I am taking my time to enjoy and explore not rush through and not be present. I want to think, feel and pursue others that are on the same quest. Thus, at 43 I am happy to be in this place. Could had it happened 20 years ago, I don't really think so. My life and my choices, good or bad, is what I am today and where I go is about the choices I make now.

But, back to the thought - I use each moment of the day filling my head with new readings. And, I have a LOT of them this semester.

Oh, we think I have 7 herceptins left - so - 1 every 3 weeks that is about 5 months or so. I have to say that my nurses, are just wonderful. Inspiring and understanding. Just amazing. Should mention that for some reason I was paired with a great oncologist as well. How did that happen? Not sure but I am happy that it did. I now see him once every 6 weeks. I was filling out a form about my health for school and they asked when the last physical I had, I said, don't ask!!! And, would you like my most recent blood work as well???

Tattoo. I just no longer see my thing 1 as a boob with a nipple. It is just a stomach muscle with fat and skin. Here is how I feel, it is still hard for me to comprehend that I am part of a cancer club. Yes, even after the last biopsy and scare. That may sound strange. It is the same thing that I think of when I think of how people perceive me. From the outside I look one way when in reality I am something else on the inside. Like, I have a secret. That was what I was thinking today as I had a few minutes to myself at the store. The gal wanted to see my picture ID when I gave her my credit card. I gave her my ID and she looked at me. Not saying a word, she completed the transaction. Yes, I say, I have a secret. Maintaining a normal outside, yet, there is something different on the inside.

OK. Enough of my thoughts on this Sunday evening.
Peace be with you.

Thoughts about Death

Today I am at school and started the process of submitting an article for publication. It is a start with a long road ahead. As I was doing some research I came across the death of a CEO from IHG. I gasped. Out loud. How did I not know this? Have I been caught up in my own little world not to realize that over a month ago this great guy died. I knew him just from afar and met him just to say hello on a couple of occasions. You know me, always soaking in what a CEO does from afar. Analyzing in my own way. So, I am saddened. Earlier today while reading an article a thought popped into my head, and I wrote down "death is in the house" on a little piece of paper to ponder later. I wrote that because Chris came home and said that a guy that he knew through work had died of lung cancer over the weekend. He was sick for a while - not too long. So, with that, is just another reminder. I wonder, did that guy live the life that he wanted? He got to the end and was he happy? Those are the things that I ponder. My mom wrote me a quote and it kinda goes like this - start your day with purpose. I try to stop and reflect on my thanks each day. What I am thankful for today. It is with purpose, not just a list of to-do's in which I want to live. I was talking with a 10 year cancer survivor and we discussed the going through it again. No, it is not taken the boob that is the hard part. The chemo is surely harder than the surgery, but the hardest is going through the emotions. It is true. I keep referring back to that time and this gal I was talking with actually described it as a divide - before and after. So true and your worldview changes. It is not like that transformation of the body - it is of the mind. How you view things is just different. And, I have not changed, but there is something that has changed. So be it.

With that said, I just had to write my thoughts down on a day like today. I am saddened that for me, at one time death felt so scary, now I understand - it is really in the living. Ah-ha. Living and enjoying the small things. So, off I go to share in community with my class.

Here is a quote that I captured from Steve's website:
He was a Prince, and all who knew him--Loved him.

A few things that go through my head almost on a daily basis - integrity - it is what you do when no one else is looking. And, at the end of the day (for real not that silly sentence) when you lay your head on the pillow, have you done something good?

And with that - Peace be with you today.

Random Thoughts for the day

I need to go back and timeline the hair growth. I think it is stalling a bit - that is OK. I like it this length. Have you ever wanted to be re-invented. I am thinking like Madonna? Maybe that is what I'll do. I'll re-invent my outside to reflect the inside.

As I was cleaning out my office, getting ready for the school year (hell, cleaning is always an adventure in my life) I came across a DVD from last year. It was of my balloon people. Remember when I asked for a sign. I can't figure out how to get it downloaded but I'll try.

So, While at the Dr.s office - did I write about that? No - went to Dr. Smiths office last week for my "stitch" out. And, with a 6 month mammogram in hand I was set free. The med tech gals asked if they could see my TRAM. You only have ask once....take a look I say - they said "nice job" then I said - well take a look at my stomach. Nice scar they say - I say well...look at the dog ears....oh he (plastic surgeon) can fix that they say....I say....yes, and I'll get the nipple tattoo too....cool they say......and off I go. Just a pleasant conversation between me, a gal with cancer, and two gals young into the field of medicine.

As the summer is leaving us, and fall is arriving, as my mom says, things just look different, I am saddened. I love summer. We shall see how the fall will pan out. I had a weird sensation the other day, have you ever had a cold bottle of water, then left it in the car, it warmed the water, yet on the inside of the water it is still cool? I felt that the other day. It was warm outside, yet the breeze was cool.

This week I go for an infusion on Friday. Can't recall how many I have left. Maybe 7 I think.



I just came across these - and I laughed. So I thought I'd share.