Happy New Year - Hello 2009

As I write this - I took the time to look back on last year at this time.  I was sick - it was the type of sick that I never want to repeat.  Although I feel a bit sick, cold, cough now - it is nothing like it was last year.  I am most definitely having side effects from the tamoxifin and/or herceptin, but I guess it is something that I have to live with.  My knees get so swollen that it is hard to walk, that is about 3-4 per week.  I think it is from the tamoxifin.  As it comes to the time which father time will change from one year to the next - I reflect back and look forward.  I wish everyone a safe, secure new year.  

For me - I have not really been good about making resolutions and I am not good with sticking to the Jan 1st type of thing.  When I stopped smoking - it was Feb 1st - and that will be 10 years this year!

I also think that for me, this will be a wonderful year.  I am looking forward to being done with the every three week infusions.  Just think, I have been doing that for about 1 1/2 years and no wonder I can't find veins for blood work and infusions.  But, when I am done, I am done - if I had a port that would be one more thing that I would have to do.  

Hair - glorious hair.  It is coming back.  Still have yet to use a brush - I don't need one as of yet just my fingers.  But, if I have not mentioned it - there is something about short hair that I personally don't like.  Not sure if it goes back to when I was a kid.  I think I am going to grow out the bangs a bit longer and then decide what to do with it.  I just feel old and look at my skin - I look old too.  Guess that is really what I want to work on for the new year.  I am going to see if I can get that to go away (looking old and frumpy).  I also want to change some other things as well - and that will come with time.  It really is an inside out thing.

So, with that said - I am happy that I am not sick this year - there is not any visible cancer in me and that I can think with a clear mind. 

Peace be with you.

I have been busy - and now I can breathe

It has been a long time. A long time. Several people have asked me how I feel. I feel 75%. I feel older, as if my body has aged from the inside out. My knee's are worse, my veins, don't get me started - it is hard to fine a "good one" and I am thankful that today's blood draw was without event! So, enough whining -

In a strange way, I have always loved the snow - lots of snow where you can't move snow. The Chicago snow that is up to your thigh. The deep powder on the side of Vail mountain. Snow glorious snow. Yet, I never will live in a place with too much - as much as I love to play in it - I so don't love to drive in it. Hopefully with that being said - we will have a white Christmas this year. As I was thinking of each of you on Winter Solstice - it is my mom that shared with me the following:

Dear Heron Dancers,
The Shortest Day of the Year Just Passed
The winter woods are white now
Quiet and peaceful.
I left my cabin today
For a walk through the woodsAnd snow.
Big white flakes, filling deer
And coyote tracks.
A pileated woodpecker
Hammers an old pine tree
Sustenance.
My dog looks at me with eyes that wonder if he should investigate or ignore.
I stop to listen and watch.
He does too.
Then we walk on together,
Through the white, white
Falling snow.
The longest night of the year
Behind us now.
A new year just ahead.
A fresh new year, just ahead.
What will it bring?
Change, change.
Change will come with this New Year.
Keep growing, keep moving.
Keep learning, keep stretching.
Keep walking these woods.
This next year—hard work, challenge
And then a return
To peace, deep peace
In these woods.
In celebration of the Great Dance of Life,
Roderick W. MacIver

I have shared the secret of Heron Dance with several of you - but if you have a few extra dollars and want to be a part of such beautiful words - go to www.herondance.org and subscribe.

I am off to my 2nd to last infusion, it is a true push at this point. It is part of my life. As I was talking to someone today - they said - don't worry about bringing a dish - you have a Dr's appointment in the morning - and my response was - well, it is part of me. It really is just something that I work with. Such as today and many many other blood draws. Lilli has to go with me. Either she sits with me or sits in the chair across from me. Today - she got chocolate from the nurse - before lunch - oh my. But that is again just part of my world and those that need to do this. Just as my boob is my "stomach muscle" normal for right now is getting blood drawn. It is really a casual affair and I just don't make a big deal about it. Why, I think it is like a swear word for Lilli. If I react - it is that much bigger. Hell, there are lots of people that have to do this for years. And years. And only to lose their battle. So, I'll take what life is giving me right now. May I remind myself, I am on vacation. Wonderful vacation for two weeks!!!! I rented 4 movies today - Mamma Mia - as I was watching it I was reminded of my visit to the stage production about 6 years ago when my friend met me in St. Louis. It was great then and I still love musicals today. They put a charge in your body. Well, for some of us, the others - guess that is why not everyone goes to the theatre. OK. For someone that did not have anything to say, I am rambling.

Peace be with you on this day.

2 more

It has been forever. I am under a tad bit of stress at the end of the semester. Here is what I want to remember - 2 more infusions!!!!

I'll be done before I go back in the spring. But, that means, one on Dec 24th - oh well.

And,
"everything you say matters, somethings count". I love that quote.

By the way - each of my herceptins tends to get a bit worse the day after. Is it just me? Don't know. But, this time, I was so tired the day after and my whole body felt icky. Goodness. Oh well, it is now another day later and I feel OK.

Peace be with you.

BRCA1 and 2

Just a quick note - BRCA1 and BRCA2 test came back with "no mutation dedected". That is good news! So then - where the HELL did this cancer come from?

I saw this obit and thought it was great, do you think she wrote it?
WEIDMAN -- Elinor Cessek Johnson Weidman, born December 18, 1914 in Cicero, IL, to Czech parents Frank and Mary (Danek) Cessek, died of just plain old age on Friday, November 14, 2008. A 50 year Albuquerque resident, she lived a long, rich, rewarding, extraordinary life for nearly 94 years--always confident and independent, and usually a little eccentric. A brilliant student who skipped two terms in high school, she traveled in Europe with two girlfriends between the Depression and WWII, leaving a lasting impression on her life. She loved reading, dancing, traveling and, most of all, duplicate bridge, becoming a Silver Life Master after much success in local, sectional, and regional tournaments. She was pre-deceased by virtually everyone from her era, including many friends, and her sisters Mildred, Camille, and Winnie. She was married to Dr. Donald Bowden Johnson of Evansville, IN from 1939 to 1955 when he died, shortly after the family moved to Albuquerque. They had two sons, Doug Johnson and Rick Johnson--whom she raised as a strong, single parent. In 1974, at age 60, she married childhood friend and widower Bob Weidman with whom she shared 31 wonderful years, until his death in 2005, at age 91. In her words, both of her husbands were "marvelous men and dancers." Elinor spent her last two years at 819 Parkland Circle SE, in the superb care of Sandy Green, Michael Bishop, and the warm-hearted staff at their small, loving elder care home. She is survived by her sons, Doug Johnson and wife, Ruth and family, Rick Johnson and wife, Debbie and family; stepson, Doug Weidman and wife, Judy and family; stepdaughter, Arlene Hamilton and husband, Bill and family; grandchildren, Leslie Johnson, Lauren Johnson Hegna and husband, Corey and family; her best friend of 40 years, Joann Coleman of El Paso, with whom she shared joy, secrets, and work. She was famously a bad cook, an infallible grammarian, an eternal optimist and was rarely wrong about anything. She loved chocolate, poetry, romantic art, bright colors and her Schiaparelli-designed sunglasses with little black and white awnings, which she wore outdoors and indoors for several decades. She hated cheese sandwiches, dangling prepositions, vulgar language, rude people, and extremists of every stripe. A Memorial Service in her honor will be held Friday, November 21, 2008, 3:00 p.m., at French Mortuary, University Blvd Chapel. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to your personal travel fund or to your 401K. Please visit our online guestbook for Elinor at RememberTheirStory.com. French 1111 University Blvd. NE (505) 843-6333

Grandpa's death

I feel sad today that Grandpa passed. Although there is a sense of peace within me as I know he lived such a long life. Glad that he went in a good way. It has been a long road for my mom, and for that, I am also feeling a sense of peace for her.

Death is death - I would imagine that if you have strong beliefs that you "go" somewhere - then it may make it better. But, it is sad when good people die. My grandparents were great people and I feel as if being part of that family really makes me appreciate friends and family now. There was one year in which I lived in Tucson, and I really had a great relationship with my grandparents. We went to shows, had birthday parties, had fun. I love being with them and always felt good around them. In the last couple years when I would visit my grandfather, we talked about things that were hush hush in my Swedish household. Money. Where on earth did they get that money to build a beautiful house in Timberlake. We talked about management - his duties. That was interesting, I could never imagine.

So, on this day, when mom called, it was the day for him to pass. He was loved and he loved others. So, how do you live your life? That is the question that swirls around in my head. I want to live my life with zest. That is how I think my grandparents lived their life for the most part. It sincerely is about living and participating in life - not waiting to die.

Today, I went and had lunch at the museum. My place. I was one with my grandparents and took a few deep breaths and enjoyed some memories. When I ordered my lunch - they gave me #22 to place on my table. It was then that I knew. My #22 is the sign. Then, when they delivered a tuna sandwich instead of my turkey - I really knew......

Peace be with you grandpa.

Thoughts on this Friday - and after herceptin

The count down is on. I think I have only 3 herceptins left – I am going to have to get back and see where I am at. There are a few things that I have thought of over the last week. The first is this idea of getting into the groove of being normal. It happens. Yes, I knew it would happen, but it does happen where you just start grooving. Don’t notice so much around you. Yet, the other day, I was walking to class and saw this purple feather in a tree. It was just sitting there. It was not from a bird, but rather from such thing as a boa. It was odd sitting in that tree, alone. Do others notice the purple feather I wonder.

Fear. I speak of fear a lot. Yesterday I saw it in the face of a gal that came into the chemo room to “look around”. At first I was not sure if it was she or her husband that was coming in for treatment. But, it was her. And she was fearful. You could see that numbness, that blank stare of “this is not me” “this is not happening”. I know that stare. She will get through it, or so I say, push through it and I hope that she will be OK.

When your heart just sinks. You know that feeling. Your heart just sinks into your stomach. It happened to me today. I was taking Lilli to school and saw a big puff of smoke. Black smoke coming out of a chimney. I looked at the sign and all I needed to do is to read “Animal services” and you know the rest of the story. It is life. Just before that moment, literally, it was 5 minutes before that, I was wondering if there is an organization that takes the animals of cancer patients that have died. There has to be some type of something like that out there. I am not sure.

Have to say, the head is fuzzy today. Although I don’t want to think there are any “side effects” from the herceptin – I am fuzzy for some reason. My brain is off and my stomach is off. I spent an hour trying to sweat it out this morning at the gym. I have decided to not worry about the weight and just continue towards being healthy.

So, part of this blog is a reach out to my family. It started as just that. Then, as we all have given the url to some people that may find it of interest or comfort - we have shared our journey in this crazy situation. I thought since I have been raw and detailed for most of the time I would share my views on therapy. People ask me about going to group therapy. I never did that. Amazing, as social as I like to be, I decided to not go. I will say that I did spend a few hours with a specialist in cancer therapy discussing how I felt and how to move my life forward. My suggestion, just like everything else – do what works for you. There is no shame in talking with professionals that help you see things from a different light. Also true, I hold my education close to my vest as my shield. This is the place in which I have fought to stay in classes and have done OK. It is also a place which I have pulled from energy around me and become stronger when I thought I could not go on. I write this now, not because I think I am clear on life, death, cancer and being me, but my experience has heightened my awareness to what is around me. A purple feather if you will. As I write this understand, I write for me. This is not about sharing some secrets with the reader, as my immediate family knows the twists of cancer and what I have been through. Or thus, we have been through.

With that. I sign off for the day or the week.
Peace be with you.

Just some thoughts

I am happy that the elections are over, that Halloween is over and we are on to the end of the year. The bottom line is that I have tried to focus on becoming stronger from the "core" and yet I have been feeling not so great. Whether it is true or not, I think that the tamoxifin is making me gain weight. Lord knows, I have fought that battle all of my adult life - but now I am making a real effort to get moving and eat less. Yep - three weeks into a "formal" weight watchers - sign em up and count everything.....I have not lost any weight. Rather - in a week I gain 4 pounds from the week before. Moreso - I am trying to drink more water and I have been exercising 4 days a week. Whatever. It is not what I thought would happen. I have another 6 months on the Tamoxifin and then I'll be done. I looked up the side effects and water retention is one thing as well as weight gain. Just say that and there I go - the ol placebo effect~

And, I want to write this down - if I go crazy - like really crazy it is because of the constant ear ringing. For the love of god - stop the madness!!!! It is all of the time. The worst is when I have some little creature yelling in that high pitch voice - you know what I am talking about - that drives me over the top.

As I am complaining, a thought just popped into my head. Today is not about me. It is about someone that I knew a while ago. He was a very close friend of my close friend. Although I did not know him at the friend level, here is what I observed from the outside. A guy, dedicated to his work - his life was about his work - died last weekend. I was talking to my friend about him, and she told me that he was in hospice care. She was flying to see him this week. But what I heard myself saying to her, did he live while he was alive.

Did he live while he was alive?

To each of us that means something different. It does not mean that we have to do crazy stuff to prove that you are alive. What comes to my mind is skydiving, or such. That would just scare the crap out of me and there - poof - I am alive. No, what I am talking about is more than that. So many times I get caught up things that really don't matter. I do call it the negitive energy. But what I am doing to make sure that my life is to be lived the way I want in harmony with others. There is cleary a balance that we all strive for after our basic needs are met. But why do some people just live without living?

Does it really take an event to shake things up? Maybe.

I am rambling, on to something else. Bone pain. I have had a cold over the last couple of days and I am reminded of what my bone pain used to feel like. I am so happy that I don't have that anymore. As I walked to my car yesterday, I was also reminded of how I don't really care for the dark and the cold. I can't wait for those days when I can walk to my car at 5p.m. and have it be light. I love the light.
Peace be with you.