The last posting...or for now ta ta

I have thought and thought how to end this blog. See, I don't want you to think that cancer got the best of me...and I am no longer here. Lets just say - cancer did get the best of me - or brought out the best of me. It has been such a long journey. I don't know how people do this for years and years.

Starting my third year of school, I am so close to getting towards the goal of PhD. But, everything has been for a reason. See, I do think that if I did not have my program, I would had struggled so hard during this battle. There are a few things that I have learned, the first is that family is so important. For a while, I did not pay attention to this and compromised myself and my relationships. Just as important is to hold close those that support you, really support you for being you. I found that I had given up so much over the last 12 years of "me". I had turned myself into someone that really just cared about making life great from the outside, but on the inside knew I was losing myself. I know that there are many people out there that continue with life as the way it is. For me, thrown in my face were the facts, either I change my situation, or someone else will. During my time of hurt, pain and just plain icky times, I took a hard look at my fellow "spa mates" that sat in the chemo chair next to me or across from me. When I looked, I saw when the chips were down, most people rallied around that spa mate. For me, my nurses rallied around me and made me feel as if this was just another day, just another chemo.

Through this process as you may or may have not noticed that my relationship with my husband suffered. And yes, for the first time I need to come out and say that it did not survive and now I find myself divorced. Because of cancer, no, but it may have happened later down the road. It is best for me and I hold guilt as part of being who I am. No one really does understand when I was crying out for help while on steroids - I was so mean and I know that affects Lilli. I know it and hold guilt for that. As my sister said with "spoiling" my child. Think about how long I felt like shit, so for a short time when I felt good I did spoil her. For that is the truth and maybe now I am having to deal with my actions. I just try to do the best that I can, and sometimes that is not great, but I try.

Cancer, it is still odd that I went through what I did. I have one more surgery to correct the plastic surgery that I had done, the "dog ears" on either side of my stomach. This summer was the first time that I was really happy that I went through the reconstructive surgery and don't have to worry about one of my boobs being gone.

Do I think the cancer will come back - yes I do. I am 44 and do think that my "good" lumpectomy boob at some point will go. But, I am going to try and not think about it. I'll cross that when I cross it. Until then, I am going to live my life as I want to with the idea of being kind.

Where do I go from here? Keep going, one foot infront of the next. Keep on appreciating my family and friends. Continuing being grateful for what I have learned during this journey.

I may pop back in here now and again but I would like to leave you with a poem and posting that my friend sent me.

"I feel like you've been a caterpillar, eating up every bit of strength and wisdom and courage before you went into the cocoon...now you are ready to be the butterfly and fly high in the sky in mind, body, spirit and love. I know I'm sounding very corny, but I really do see you....a monarch butterfly (or a Hot Air Balloon!)"

poem by Raymond Carver when I think about you; it's called Last Fragment.

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, tofeel myself
Beloved on the earth.

Peace be with you.