Random Thoughts

I am hoping that my strategy works with these treatments. It took me a week to feel back to normal after the taxol. Not as bad as the other - but still icky and foggy. So, I hope to get all of my work done in the two good weeks. The funny thing is - I finally figured out - the week(s) that I feel good the last thing I want to do is spend my time cleaning and organizing. I was to actively do things that make me feel alive. I don't nap as to spend the hour doing something else. That takes its toll at the end of the day, I am in bed by 8:00 or 9:00.

I wore my hair today. Yes I did. As you know, one of my favorite things to do are little training sessions, so I had one this morning. Got up early, put make up on - I am losing my eyelashes (stop stop stop I keep thinking. I have three more treatments - crap - will they all be gone?) I fluffed up the wig, did the bangs a bit differently - and said here I am. I am such a bad liar. This is the group I did the leadership training in the fall, and I just wanted to blurt out - you know it is a wig - I know it is a wig, so friends, if it starts slipping, can you let me know? But, I did not. Have to say that I was really careful not to scratch or bend over. Could you imagine - yikes there the hair goes! I also have these little pimples on my cheeks - so I tried to cover them up with foundation. OH MY GOD - I look like I should be in a casket!!!! You know, when they make those people up that don't look like themselves. That was me. A made up face with funny hair. Wonder how old I look? After this is all over, I think that I'll splurge and get one of those anti toxic facials.

I have this wonderful class, transformational learning. I won't get into it - but if you happen to get an reading in the mail - just know it is from me. I have come across so many good things. Short of the long is, I was sitting in class, listening. Really listening and not trying to judge. Transformational learning deals with adult theory and how you learn at certain times and why. It is the highest learning level for adults. It is deep. It takes my mind into some really great places. For those of you that know me well, I wonder, I ponder, and I wonder. Guess what - there is a reason why. I am talking about this class why? Hmmm, Oh, because there is this gal, spunky gal, that was saying something.......I won't disclose due to privacy, but my response is this. Do you really know what you will say on your death bed until you are on your death bed? You can only think you will know, but you don't know until you are faced with those circumstances. That is what I said, that is ALL that I said the entire 2 1/2 hours. I don't know where that came from but I do know something, we look at our lives and wonder if we are doing what we should. Sometimes, we make changes in our lives, good or bad and we make those decisions on what we know up until that time. I am not close to death, but back at the beginning of the year, I really thought I could have died of dehydration. It was then, only then, that I started to think about things a bit deeper. OK, enough about that.

I have another cold or sinus infection with a cough. Blowing my nose and blood is coming out - something is wrong there! Icky. I am calling the morning, maybe the dr. can see me on Friday when I have my treatment.

The many faces that we put on. We all have different faces that we wear for different things, friend, wife, daughter, sister, mother. As I was sitting in the computer lab the other day, this lady came in and picked up what she was printing. Don't forget, this is the beginning of the semester, I am in a lab with about 30 computers - I am the ONLY one in there. So, I made small talk with her, turns out she is the Director of the writing lab. Then, she came back five minutes later grabbed her papers, came and sat next to me. This is the face of cancer. She says that she is a survivor, 10 years this week, and noticed that I did not have hair. And the conversation went on for 20 minutes or so. It was not the "flying the pink flag" thing, but it was a very intimate, one on one conversation. Was it for me to understand that I too will look at this in a different way later? Was it for her to remember that she too went through what I am going through? I am not sure. I do know I met a person that I see and someone that shared something that maybe I would had never known. My face was that of cancer, and I now realize that is what she saw as do others. I share the story only to share what I feel on a daily basis. It is not a poor me. Rather, how lucky I am to share a connection. You hear of this, and now I have experience the true blessing (I need another word but can't think of one) and this is making me really figure out some things. Strange.

Oh - this gal also said the waiting for the "this is my purpose in life" lightening bolt to come down. She said she is still waiting. I fully understand what she was saying. So far, I look at it as this - it is not that my outlook on life is that I am going to climb a 14,000 peak. What it is is that I am going to figure out how I want to live my life.

Deep deep deep. No wonder I can't sleep.

Today I have the notion in me to thank my sister, mother and father for being great supporters. Remember those faces I talked about, sometimes it is good to be faceless! So thank you - may I never have to support you through this but if I do I hope to be as good of a supporter as you all.

OK, my darling little girl is into something I can tell.

Got through the week

I could not believe that I did not get sick this treatment. I was waiting.....and waiting....to feel sick. I did not get sick all weekend. Then, the dreadful bone pain set in. I felt like I was in a fog for days and the steroids that I take, they make me mean. Seriously, I wonder about those people that take the steroids to get buff, the side effects are wicked. No patience, and mean. Remember the incredible hulk? That is how I feel. The seam rises to my head and whew I blow. Get me off of those drugs fast!

Bone pain, can we discuss that? It hit on Sunday night and still continues. Shin splints, knee pain and femur pain. I don't have, can't find, don't want to look type of thing for the Vicodine I had left from a few months ago. Honestly, I got off of them and do not want to take them, but at this point, how I am handle this bone pain? What I do is to crank my electric blanket on high, and at night, when Chris goes to tuck Lilli in, I slide under the covers and try to get relief. I don't think it helps. I have some sort of pill that helps with sleeping, so I am able to get a few hours of sleep. The bottoms of my feet feel prickly. Yep it is just not nice. I really am hoping that I'll be able to be semi normal over the 2 weeks I have off.

Just started school and it was a bit hard to go all day. I am sure that I'll figure it all out soon! Just as long as it warms up soon, thank heavens I am not some where cold!!! Could you imagine. It is like the middle of your bones just can't get cold - need to keep warm.

So, a day in the life. Tomorrow is the herceptin infusion, I think it'll take an hour with no side effects. I'll ask about the bone pain then.....

1st Taxol

Here I am in all of my glory. At the end of this posting is more about what chemo I am now on. I got those help sheets as I left yesterday. I was nice to come home and give to Chris so he understands all of the side effects etc.

I made it through the first infusion of Taxol. Kicking and screaming, but putting on my I can do it face. I even got a phone call right before I left the house, and it was from my friend Emily. I explained I was leaving. Sorry, I could had used my cell phone on the way, but I needed a bit of self talk time. I arrived ready for a long day - and it was. At 12:30 we started. Karen, my nurse, started the IV. They put the "hot pad" on your hand. I don't like being poked, but it just stings for a minute. Not sure, it could had been her first Taxol - I'll explain why later. So, we get going, the first was to do the anti nausea, the pepcid, the Benadryl. That stung in the entry to the vein. But soon, I was relaxing and felt like a nice glass of wine. But I'll tell you I did not like it. Karen flipped the feet thing for the recliner and then I got the 1 1/2 hours of Herceptin Drip. This is the big "loading" dose. Since I'll be getting it every week, it'll be 1/2 hour of that plus maybe other things - should only be an hour. Then onto the Taxol. The first time can have severe reactions. So, since I was the only person in the place, I was really watched. I must had scratched the side of my face, there was a red mark, Chris, my nurse, stopped the Taxol and got the Dr. We determined it was not a reaction. So, each time I scratched my face I announced what I was doing. The time on the Taxol - over 3 hours. That is right. It was about 6:30p.m. before we got out of there. The benadryl wore off, I still felt it a bit, but I was OK to drive. I was happy to get home. I fixed dinner, sat with Lilli for a while, then I had to go to bed. I took my meds for the evening turned off the light and that was it. Until 10....then 12....then at 2 I just could not go back to sleep. I watched TV until 4p.m. not sure, hope this is a one time thing.

Usually the day after Chemo, I am OK. Same is true this morning. I feel OK. I just took my Emund (you know the really expensive anti nausea), I think that makes me a little foggy. But worth if if I don't barf. I hope to get out today and keep Lilli busy.

The only difference that I notice, is that my stomach hurt during the night. Crampy type of stuff. I ate some puff cakes - maybe that would help. I am also really trying to push the fluids. I am able to stomach hot tea this morning, but make a note to myself to stop and get some soymilk to put in the tea. I think staying away from milk is a good thing.

For someone that did not want to get this Taxol, 1 down and 3 left to go. This is going to take longer - since I am doing it every three weeks. It'll take 3 months. Hopefully the side effects will not be bad - in this case I hope that age will work in my favor. I already know what those nulasta (I don't know how to spell that one) shots (white blood counts upper) do to me, and I don't have to get those this time. They are monitoring the blood each week and we can take that course of action if needed. So, at least I don't have the double whammy of the nausea and the bone pain.

On a lighter note, can I say how great it is to get this done here, and not in a place that is gloomy this time of the year. I am able this morning to wake up to a very cold (for us) day, with crystal clear blue skies looking out to all of my birds eating breakfast. I have my special "hope" heart that my friend gave to me hanging out there too - just in case I need that reminder.

You are receiving:Herceptin
This drug is also called:
Use: 1. Given with chemotherapy to treat metastatic
breast cancer.
2. Can also be given by itself to patients with early
stage breast cancer. How it is given: It is given as an injection into a vein.
First infusion is 90 minutes. Infusions after that only
last about 30 minutes. Dose schedule: Can be given weekly or every
three weeks.
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Early
• Chills and fever during the 1st infusion usually stop when infusion is stopped.
• Nausea and vomiting: your doctor may prescribe medication to prevent or relieve symptoms.
• Pain in muscles or joints: report symptoms to your doctor.
Late (7-14) days
• In combination with chemotherapy you may experience low blood counts. Blood tests will be done to monitor cell counts during your treatment.

You are receiving: PdClltdXGI
This drug is also called: TdXOl®
Use: Paclitaxel is used to treat a variety of cancers. It
works by stopping tumor cell growth.. How it is given: It is given as an injection into a vein. Dose schedule:
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Early
• Allergic reactions: Report any weakness, dizziness, difficulty in breathing, facial swelling, skin rash or discoloration, or irregular heart rate. Your doctor will prescribe medication to prevent or relieve symptoms.
• Nausea and vomiting: Your doctor may prescribe medication to prevent or relieve symptoms.
• Pain in muscles or joints: Report symptoms to your doctor.
• Diarrhea: Call your doctor if recommended measures are not effective after 3 days.
Late (7-14) days
• White blood cell, platelet, and red blood cell counts may go down. Blood tests will be done to monitor cell counts during your treatment.
• Partial or complete hair loss may occur. Hair will grow back when treatment is completed.
• Sores in the mouth or throat may develop. Use mouthwash (without alcohol) as directed before chemotherapy treatment is begun and continue until treatment is completed. Brush teeth with a soft bristle toothbrush. Wear dentures only for eating until your mouth has healed. Call your doctor if sores develop.
• Nerve involvement: Report any numbness or tingling in your hands or feet. Symptoms will lessen or disappear with dose adjustment.
• Liver function may be affected. Your doctor will monitor this.
• Sexual desire may decrease for duration of treatment.
• Paclitaxel may harm the unborn fetus. Neither pregnancy nor fathering a child is recommended during treatment. Consult your doctor for an effective birth control method.

Finally - pictures

Here is a not so good but it shows you what I wear on my head picture.

Here is my last AC Chemo. On to the 4 months of Taxol and 1 year of Herceptin.
I thought I was done.......we shall see.

Here is my pic of my bald dad and me. Notice the top of the heads - they are pointy.

Another 4 - then on to herceptin

I went to the Dr. the other day. My gut told me that I needed to investigate something further. My Dr. told me that I was going to get "taxol" before I start my herceptin. That was not in my plan, I thought I was done with chemo.......so I went to a Dr. that helped me when I was so sick last week. She explained everything to me a bit differently and I think I now understand. It sucks, but I have to do this. My tumor was small but aggressive. The cancer was found in the blood vessels - not good. And, my Her2nu was 3 - and that is BAD. Thus, I have to have the herceptin for a year. Before the herceptin, I need taxol. It is chemotherapy and I'll have 4 treatments. Here is the link: http://www.chemocare.com/bio/taxol.asp.

It takes a long time, longer than the other, but the side effects should be not as bad. I elected to do this once every three weeks. So, if I happen to get sick, I'll have two weeks to recoup and do my work. I am doing the treatments on Fridays, with the hope that I"ll be OK by Tuesday. This is not what I want to do but it is what I have to do. So be it!

I have decided that my nose piercing will not happen until I get through this. So hang on - I'll let you know!

I have a great pic of my dad and me. We look the same - bald heads! He was here for a few days and we had a nice visit. We went to a couple of museums and enjoyed the craziness of Lilli's energy. He can attest, coming and visiting is really busy with Lilli. She is always on the go and wants to be part of the action. If not tearing a part her room, she is changing her outfits 10 times a day.

Another week before school starts. My first treatment is next Friday - the 18th - so.....I have to get everything together before I start. Wish me luck that I don't get nauseated!

I am back

How does it feel to feel good? That my friends is the question.

How would you like to die? That is the next question.

As you can tell I have not posted for some time. There is a reason. As I thought of what to post here, I reminded myself of why I started this blog. One was to document how I felt. The reason is that time cures all, right? You start to forget the small details. I don't want to do that. I also don't want to whine about things either. So, to question, what to say.

December 27th - I have the pictures (uploaded later) to show that I have completed my last chemo treatment. I went in with a cold, but other than that feeling OK. I was ready. Had all meds on board that I needed and mostly psyched myself to get through it. I was even going to wear a yellow jersey........

Ironically, Fridays have always been good days. Go and get the shot for the white count booster. And did a bit of shopping. Chris took the day off. Then, Saturday came. My mom came and I was allowed to stay in bed all afternoon. As usual, the "fog" set in and in general just felt icky. Ice cream was about all I could eat. This is my "normal". Sunday was more of the same. Again, thank heavens, my mom came and took Lilli out for the afternoon. It allowed me to slip into sleep and forget about being icky feeling. Note, NEVER did I throw up - thru all of the treatments. But ALWAYS I felt icky and nauseated. So, I would say at the worst times "Wednesday will come....." and once again, I would not feel sick. Wednesday did come, and I would turn the corner. Once good week, one bad week. I can do this and this is the last one!

My mom left on Monday, my cold was worse. Since Chris stayed home, I ended up being in bed all day. Feeling really bad. OK, it gets worse. At about 9p.m. the diarrhea started. You have to understand, I am fearful of taking any meds at this point. So, nauseated, and sick I try to get through the night. On Monday, the Dr's office was called, so I called the "emergency" number and talk with a nurse. She in turn talks to the Dr. Tells me, no fever, don't worry and just use otc meds. Did just that. So, New Years morning I am just thinking that I am really wasting away. Can't drink a think. I think 8 oz. of water in 24 hours. I call the Dr.s office again, and it is suggested I go to the emergency room. Off we went to the worst emergency room I have seen in a long time. It was gross and when I feel better I need to update my contingency plan if I need to go to the hospital! I had saline dripped and I was monitored. The good news - I was not sick(so says the ER doc)......the bad news.....I was so sick (so says me)!

We went home and I spent another three days in bed until an appointment on Friday. I saw a PA and I have a sinus infection, ear infection, stomach virus. Antibiotics and another 1000cc's of saline. I went from the main cancer center to my local cancer center to see my favorite nurses. A strange feeling, it felt like home. No. It felt like hospitality. The short story is that I guess I was not so dehydrated that my water works just went on. I was so sick and so depressed and someone that understood my position. After a box of tissues, the saline solution, I was off to get my antibiotics.

The weekend was more of being in bed, but my strength is coming back. Being sick (I still have my sinus issues) this round, and then looking back at a foggy two months, I wonder what it feels like to feel good. When you wake in the morning and have a nice cup of coffee, shower, and not think about how you are feeling. That is what I'll get to, hopefully soon. Right now, if you feel good, just feel good and enjoy it!

Today is Monday and this is the first day since the time out to Lowes on the 28th that I have been out. After I picked up Lilli I went to Target. We got some "special" things and then as we were leaving, it was hailing. I bundled Lilli up and off we went. Of course I opted to buy the LARGE detergent today....geez. So, cart in tow, we ran, turn the corner and oh my god, the daggers of ice! This little boy 10ish I would say, was running with us, says "hide your face"! By instinct, I grab Lilli, hike her up (she weighs 32 lbs) pull her up close to me - face away from the hail and pull my cart behind me. Do you know, that boy asked if I needed some help - I wanted to kiss him - how sweet. I said hell no - you get in your car! And I ran - threw Lilli in the car and then the went back for the items. I jumped in the back seat with her and we laughed. Cold, hail daggers in our face, but we made it. Ask my stomach muscle how it feels now......oh well. and, the kicker - Lilli still had hold of her new Hello Kitty big girl panties! She asked to carry them to the car (that was our special purchase) and was proud of her brand new panties. When life hands you a bad situation - hang on to your panties - literally!!! The things we can learn from our children.

So, today, is the first day that I feel OK. I am coming back. The second question, how do I want to die. I never really thought of that before. The reason, I was told from my 1st surgeon "this won't kill you - you just have to jump through some hoops" I never have thought of the dying question. I just knew I would kick this the only way I know how- with all of my might. But, feeling sick, so sick that I may die, I pondered that question. Here is my raw answer. I don't want to die a long death. I don't want to be sick for a long time. What does that mean. To me, my mind, attitude and spirit need to be revived and that maybe a journey of such for me over the next year. Being whole. Ironically, once of my classmates mentioned that he admired my "wholeness" as a person. I don't know. Can a person be whole, or just strong in many different parts?

It is late, I need sleep as tomorrow I am going to try and do a few more things. Some pictures tomorrow.