Take a break

I love this!  What I did not take a picture of is the actual bench.  It is a flagstone bench.  Wouldn't this be a great thing to do out in the middle of nowhere - well - not there but you know - along a hiking trail..... Or it could be almost a metaphor for the journey of cancer - just take a break and have a sit for a while!

Last Herceptin - may my veins heal!

We have had huge things happen over the last few weeks. Wow. So, I am thrilled to be alive and thrilled that last week - January 14th 2009 was my last herceptin. As uneventful as it started, so it ended. 17 infusions later. I was happy to be done. Funny thing is that I have seen others get weepy or such at the last one. Well, not me. Sure, I'll miss the every three 3 weeks that I have to sit in the chair and talk - but I will enjoy maybe every three weeks just sitting down for a cup of coffee instead.

What a life. My mom was here for the weekend. It was a good trip and as always she puts the mom spin on things....you know just to make one think. While we were driving to school today Lilli said that she had such a good time with grandma and I asked what was her favorite thing. Playing and coloring. Aha - it really is about the fun isn't it!

I am back at school and happy and thankful to be here. Taking a full load - 15 hours but I think it'll be OK. I keep saying - if I can do 12 hours and every now and again feel icky from the herceptin, then I surely can do 1 more class.......

So here is a thought- as I type this there are people that are sitting in chemo chairs, there are people that are giving a good fight and there are people that are dying. For me, I understand this and I appreciate this a bit more. As I keep saying I have changed, but really I have not, it is me not the change. Some is more of me, some is less of me, but I have full control now over most of me. I have met so many wonderful people that inspire certain things. I add a little "well that is for so and so" as I do something that we may have talked about when you are in a chemo chair. For those that I have spent time with, just sitting and talking being hooked up to machines, the conversations will never leave my mind. I may have not known them well, but think about this, when have you really, I mean really talked with people on that level. When you talk about how the drugs affect your poop - you can talk about anything. Except death. That was never discussed.

As I move away from my every three week commitment, I am thrilled to be alive. To wake this morning and say Lilli come here - look at the sky - isn't it just beautiful? Or having our "lucky day" when a balloon floats over the city. OK. So, for those of you that don't know - almost every morning there are balloons (hot air balloons) that float around. But, having that be the sign for a lucky day - why not - odds are in our favor!

In all of my awe, a while back I have really tried to live my life from a place in gratitude. It is from this in which has become a habit to be thankful of what I have and what I will have in the future. It is knowing that I have the choice in may things. I can control much of that - and I know that I can't control other aspects of my life. So be it. I will deal with what I have to in the future with a different view than before.

Oh, just a small thing happened this week and as my dad said - we got him into office. No matter what your political view - it is all about the politics - put that aside and just relish in change. There is hope like we have not seen in years and I really do think that will trickle down to all of us. So, be a bit nicer to a person on the road, or on the street. Look the other way when you encounter someone that is just not worthy of your thoughts. Focus on the positive and the rest will come. Take a look around, sometimes change may come slowly for reasons that you may not know why - but it'll come. The answers most likely are in front of you if you come from it with gratitude of what you have today. Change in me, change in my life to continue. As I have the choice of my control.

May peace be with you today.

Getting ready for a party

I am getting ready for a party. It is my party. It'll be just another Wednesday for everyone else, the world will turn, the sun will rise from the east and set in the west and for me, it will be my last herceptin chemo. I am going to wear my best party dress and enjoy the time, I hope the last sitting with a needle in my hand. I hope, there is hope, this is it.

So, for those that may check this - it will be a great day on January 14, 2009.

Peace Quotes

I get peace quotes everyday - unlike some of the other "quote of the day" type of things, I look forward to opening this email each morning. Like a gift. Most are really good and should say "makes you think" quote of the day. I am sharing the one that I like the best this week - enjoy. It is how I view many things such as people that keep looking toward retirement versus living in the here and now. We all know how life can change quickly, and with that I really think that it is about doing what is important now.

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.- Grace Hansen

Happy New Year - Hello 2009

As I write this - I took the time to look back on last year at this time.  I was sick - it was the type of sick that I never want to repeat.  Although I feel a bit sick, cold, cough now - it is nothing like it was last year.  I am most definitely having side effects from the tamoxifin and/or herceptin, but I guess it is something that I have to live with.  My knees get so swollen that it is hard to walk, that is about 3-4 per week.  I think it is from the tamoxifin.  As it comes to the time which father time will change from one year to the next - I reflect back and look forward.  I wish everyone a safe, secure new year.  

For me - I have not really been good about making resolutions and I am not good with sticking to the Jan 1st type of thing.  When I stopped smoking - it was Feb 1st - and that will be 10 years this year!

I also think that for me, this will be a wonderful year.  I am looking forward to being done with the every three week infusions.  Just think, I have been doing that for about 1 1/2 years and no wonder I can't find veins for blood work and infusions.  But, when I am done, I am done - if I had a port that would be one more thing that I would have to do.  

Hair - glorious hair.  It is coming back.  Still have yet to use a brush - I don't need one as of yet just my fingers.  But, if I have not mentioned it - there is something about short hair that I personally don't like.  Not sure if it goes back to when I was a kid.  I think I am going to grow out the bangs a bit longer and then decide what to do with it.  I just feel old and look at my skin - I look old too.  Guess that is really what I want to work on for the new year.  I am going to see if I can get that to go away (looking old and frumpy).  I also want to change some other things as well - and that will come with time.  It really is an inside out thing.

So, with that said - I am happy that I am not sick this year - there is not any visible cancer in me and that I can think with a clear mind. 

Peace be with you.

I have been busy - and now I can breathe

It has been a long time. A long time. Several people have asked me how I feel. I feel 75%. I feel older, as if my body has aged from the inside out. My knee's are worse, my veins, don't get me started - it is hard to fine a "good one" and I am thankful that today's blood draw was without event! So, enough whining -

In a strange way, I have always loved the snow - lots of snow where you can't move snow. The Chicago snow that is up to your thigh. The deep powder on the side of Vail mountain. Snow glorious snow. Yet, I never will live in a place with too much - as much as I love to play in it - I so don't love to drive in it. Hopefully with that being said - we will have a white Christmas this year. As I was thinking of each of you on Winter Solstice - it is my mom that shared with me the following:

Dear Heron Dancers,
The Shortest Day of the Year Just Passed
The winter woods are white now
Quiet and peaceful.
I left my cabin today
For a walk through the woodsAnd snow.
Big white flakes, filling deer
And coyote tracks.
A pileated woodpecker
Hammers an old pine tree
Sustenance.
My dog looks at me with eyes that wonder if he should investigate or ignore.
I stop to listen and watch.
He does too.
Then we walk on together,
Through the white, white
Falling snow.
The longest night of the year
Behind us now.
A new year just ahead.
A fresh new year, just ahead.
What will it bring?
Change, change.
Change will come with this New Year.
Keep growing, keep moving.
Keep learning, keep stretching.
Keep walking these woods.
This next year—hard work, challenge
And then a return
To peace, deep peace
In these woods.
In celebration of the Great Dance of Life,
Roderick W. MacIver

I have shared the secret of Heron Dance with several of you - but if you have a few extra dollars and want to be a part of such beautiful words - go to www.herondance.org and subscribe.

I am off to my 2nd to last infusion, it is a true push at this point. It is part of my life. As I was talking to someone today - they said - don't worry about bringing a dish - you have a Dr's appointment in the morning - and my response was - well, it is part of me. It really is just something that I work with. Such as today and many many other blood draws. Lilli has to go with me. Either she sits with me or sits in the chair across from me. Today - she got chocolate from the nurse - before lunch - oh my. But that is again just part of my world and those that need to do this. Just as my boob is my "stomach muscle" normal for right now is getting blood drawn. It is really a casual affair and I just don't make a big deal about it. Why, I think it is like a swear word for Lilli. If I react - it is that much bigger. Hell, there are lots of people that have to do this for years. And years. And only to lose their battle. So, I'll take what life is giving me right now. May I remind myself, I am on vacation. Wonderful vacation for two weeks!!!! I rented 4 movies today - Mamma Mia - as I was watching it I was reminded of my visit to the stage production about 6 years ago when my friend met me in St. Louis. It was great then and I still love musicals today. They put a charge in your body. Well, for some of us, the others - guess that is why not everyone goes to the theatre. OK. For someone that did not have anything to say, I am rambling.

Peace be with you on this day.

2 more

It has been forever. I am under a tad bit of stress at the end of the semester. Here is what I want to remember - 2 more infusions!!!!

I'll be done before I go back in the spring. But, that means, one on Dec 24th - oh well.

And,
"everything you say matters, somethings count". I love that quote.

By the way - each of my herceptins tends to get a bit worse the day after. Is it just me? Don't know. But, this time, I was so tired the day after and my whole body felt icky. Goodness. Oh well, it is now another day later and I feel OK.

Peace be with you.