On days you want to remember

It seems as if there are just days in which you feel pretty good and that you know things are moving the the right direction.

That is just the thought I have for the day.

Peace be with you.

One more year

Good news, my mammogram came back OK - I have one year before I need to go through that again. And, I am happy. I can finally breathe after the last year and 1/2. On the other hand, my cousin is just finding out that her breast cancer maybe a bit more than what she thought. I hate knowing that she is going through the same uncertainty and the "what else". For heavens sake, what else. Not really the why me - but it is - could it be something else and your whole world starts spinning. I say those safety nets need to start being extended, and when asked of how to help, I say, all of us need to extend our safety nets to everyone in our circle. For those that are in the "club" even more so. We are never "done" with this nasty thing called cancer, be we really are those warriors, ready to battle a another day.

I need to write an essay for a scholarship, I don't even know where to start. Then, at some point I do wonder about taking advantage of the cancer. Goodness, that is a hard one for sure.

I really don't have too much to write about tonight as I am just pooped. Days for me are pretty long, especially on the weekends. Finally at 9p.m. I can wind down, yet, think that I can get something done.

So, here is just a funny before I sign off. Our life is in increments of oil changes. Here is what I think, I just had an oil change on my car the other day. The date came back on my next oil change is due 5/31/09. When that date hits, I'll be done with classes, getting closer to the fall semester, done with a huge chunk of worry, and yet, the next oil change, 3 months later, what will that bring. The end of summer, Lilli going to Pre-K. Goodness. Life is about oil changes.

Peace be with you.

School, boobs and stuff

So, I am taking classes this spring and one of them is online.  It is in an area which really interests me - web 2.0 and education.  Part of one of the assignments is to do a blog or invite the class to a blog that I am doing.  I go back and forth.  I guess I could invite them here....it is in open web 2.0 space....and alert them "crazy chick going through cancer and may say things not appropriate for viewers!".  

OK, enough of that.  Actually - just a comment.  I have found that I have not taken the time to stop and smell the roses.  Not sure if it is just me, but I want to do more - push the limit.  Which is not good for the ol immune system.

Here are my recent thoughts - someone was told that they have breast cancer today.  Someone was told that they will die soon, someone was told that they will live.  What is life?  I got my one boob squeezed today.  It was my 6 month check up.  The gal who did the mammogram started with "I noticed that Dr. Smith only ordered a mammogram for the right boob...and I think it is important to look at them both."  My emotions were between anger and fear.  I am glad she could not see the thought bubble on top of my head.  "Hey chicky poo - I don't have a left boob and you not getting close to it...don't you read the charts...." then, her only comment was that they were going to a "paperless" system and there was no indication of a TRAM on the left side.  Foolish I say - look at my frickin' folder - it is an inch tall!!!!  And so it goes, another day of just the smallest thing that just should not happen.  If it is happening to me, it is happening to others.  And on another note, going and getting a mammogram done is just plain scary at this point, I am ready to say take it off please!!!!

One of my cousins has concerns after a mammogram.  She mentioned, isn't funny after all of these years it take our boobs to get us communicating.  She also went thru some infertility stuff and see, I bet that is connected.  All of the drugs, hormones etc. pumped into our system.

I think it is finally time for me to get my hair trimmed.  It is looking a little funny in the back.  As quick as I am to say I am going to grow it longer, I like the short funky style - as long as I don't look like a boy.  

Enough for today - maybe more sooner than later.

Peace be with you.

Take a break

I love this!  What I did not take a picture of is the actual bench.  It is a flagstone bench.  Wouldn't this be a great thing to do out in the middle of nowhere - well - not there but you know - along a hiking trail..... Or it could be almost a metaphor for the journey of cancer - just take a break and have a sit for a while!

Last Herceptin - may my veins heal!

We have had huge things happen over the last few weeks. Wow. So, I am thrilled to be alive and thrilled that last week - January 14th 2009 was my last herceptin. As uneventful as it started, so it ended. 17 infusions later. I was happy to be done. Funny thing is that I have seen others get weepy or such at the last one. Well, not me. Sure, I'll miss the every three 3 weeks that I have to sit in the chair and talk - but I will enjoy maybe every three weeks just sitting down for a cup of coffee instead.

What a life. My mom was here for the weekend. It was a good trip and as always she puts the mom spin on things....you know just to make one think. While we were driving to school today Lilli said that she had such a good time with grandma and I asked what was her favorite thing. Playing and coloring. Aha - it really is about the fun isn't it!

I am back at school and happy and thankful to be here. Taking a full load - 15 hours but I think it'll be OK. I keep saying - if I can do 12 hours and every now and again feel icky from the herceptin, then I surely can do 1 more class.......

So here is a thought- as I type this there are people that are sitting in chemo chairs, there are people that are giving a good fight and there are people that are dying. For me, I understand this and I appreciate this a bit more. As I keep saying I have changed, but really I have not, it is me not the change. Some is more of me, some is less of me, but I have full control now over most of me. I have met so many wonderful people that inspire certain things. I add a little "well that is for so and so" as I do something that we may have talked about when you are in a chemo chair. For those that I have spent time with, just sitting and talking being hooked up to machines, the conversations will never leave my mind. I may have not known them well, but think about this, when have you really, I mean really talked with people on that level. When you talk about how the drugs affect your poop - you can talk about anything. Except death. That was never discussed.

As I move away from my every three week commitment, I am thrilled to be alive. To wake this morning and say Lilli come here - look at the sky - isn't it just beautiful? Or having our "lucky day" when a balloon floats over the city. OK. So, for those of you that don't know - almost every morning there are balloons (hot air balloons) that float around. But, having that be the sign for a lucky day - why not - odds are in our favor!

In all of my awe, a while back I have really tried to live my life from a place in gratitude. It is from this in which has become a habit to be thankful of what I have and what I will have in the future. It is knowing that I have the choice in may things. I can control much of that - and I know that I can't control other aspects of my life. So be it. I will deal with what I have to in the future with a different view than before.

Oh, just a small thing happened this week and as my dad said - we got him into office. No matter what your political view - it is all about the politics - put that aside and just relish in change. There is hope like we have not seen in years and I really do think that will trickle down to all of us. So, be a bit nicer to a person on the road, or on the street. Look the other way when you encounter someone that is just not worthy of your thoughts. Focus on the positive and the rest will come. Take a look around, sometimes change may come slowly for reasons that you may not know why - but it'll come. The answers most likely are in front of you if you come from it with gratitude of what you have today. Change in me, change in my life to continue. As I have the choice of my control.

May peace be with you today.

Getting ready for a party

I am getting ready for a party. It is my party. It'll be just another Wednesday for everyone else, the world will turn, the sun will rise from the east and set in the west and for me, it will be my last herceptin chemo. I am going to wear my best party dress and enjoy the time, I hope the last sitting with a needle in my hand. I hope, there is hope, this is it.

So, for those that may check this - it will be a great day on January 14, 2009.

Peace Quotes

I get peace quotes everyday - unlike some of the other "quote of the day" type of things, I look forward to opening this email each morning. Like a gift. Most are really good and should say "makes you think" quote of the day. I am sharing the one that I like the best this week - enjoy. It is how I view many things such as people that keep looking toward retirement versus living in the here and now. We all know how life can change quickly, and with that I really think that it is about doing what is important now.

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.- Grace Hansen