I am back

How does it feel to feel good? That my friends is the question.

How would you like to die? That is the next question.

As you can tell I have not posted for some time. There is a reason. As I thought of what to post here, I reminded myself of why I started this blog. One was to document how I felt. The reason is that time cures all, right? You start to forget the small details. I don't want to do that. I also don't want to whine about things either. So, to question, what to say.

December 27th - I have the pictures (uploaded later) to show that I have completed my last chemo treatment. I went in with a cold, but other than that feeling OK. I was ready. Had all meds on board that I needed and mostly psyched myself to get through it. I was even going to wear a yellow jersey........

Ironically, Fridays have always been good days. Go and get the shot for the white count booster. And did a bit of shopping. Chris took the day off. Then, Saturday came. My mom came and I was allowed to stay in bed all afternoon. As usual, the "fog" set in and in general just felt icky. Ice cream was about all I could eat. This is my "normal". Sunday was more of the same. Again, thank heavens, my mom came and took Lilli out for the afternoon. It allowed me to slip into sleep and forget about being icky feeling. Note, NEVER did I throw up - thru all of the treatments. But ALWAYS I felt icky and nauseated. So, I would say at the worst times "Wednesday will come....." and once again, I would not feel sick. Wednesday did come, and I would turn the corner. Once good week, one bad week. I can do this and this is the last one!

My mom left on Monday, my cold was worse. Since Chris stayed home, I ended up being in bed all day. Feeling really bad. OK, it gets worse. At about 9p.m. the diarrhea started. You have to understand, I am fearful of taking any meds at this point. So, nauseated, and sick I try to get through the night. On Monday, the Dr's office was called, so I called the "emergency" number and talk with a nurse. She in turn talks to the Dr. Tells me, no fever, don't worry and just use otc meds. Did just that. So, New Years morning I am just thinking that I am really wasting away. Can't drink a think. I think 8 oz. of water in 24 hours. I call the Dr.s office again, and it is suggested I go to the emergency room. Off we went to the worst emergency room I have seen in a long time. It was gross and when I feel better I need to update my contingency plan if I need to go to the hospital! I had saline dripped and I was monitored. The good news - I was not sick(so says the ER doc)......the bad news.....I was so sick (so says me)!

We went home and I spent another three days in bed until an appointment on Friday. I saw a PA and I have a sinus infection, ear infection, stomach virus. Antibiotics and another 1000cc's of saline. I went from the main cancer center to my local cancer center to see my favorite nurses. A strange feeling, it felt like home. No. It felt like hospitality. The short story is that I guess I was not so dehydrated that my water works just went on. I was so sick and so depressed and someone that understood my position. After a box of tissues, the saline solution, I was off to get my antibiotics.

The weekend was more of being in bed, but my strength is coming back. Being sick (I still have my sinus issues) this round, and then looking back at a foggy two months, I wonder what it feels like to feel good. When you wake in the morning and have a nice cup of coffee, shower, and not think about how you are feeling. That is what I'll get to, hopefully soon. Right now, if you feel good, just feel good and enjoy it!

Today is Monday and this is the first day since the time out to Lowes on the 28th that I have been out. After I picked up Lilli I went to Target. We got some "special" things and then as we were leaving, it was hailing. I bundled Lilli up and off we went. Of course I opted to buy the LARGE detergent today....geez. So, cart in tow, we ran, turn the corner and oh my god, the daggers of ice! This little boy 10ish I would say, was running with us, says "hide your face"! By instinct, I grab Lilli, hike her up (she weighs 32 lbs) pull her up close to me - face away from the hail and pull my cart behind me. Do you know, that boy asked if I needed some help - I wanted to kiss him - how sweet. I said hell no - you get in your car! And I ran - threw Lilli in the car and then the went back for the items. I jumped in the back seat with her and we laughed. Cold, hail daggers in our face, but we made it. Ask my stomach muscle how it feels now......oh well. and, the kicker - Lilli still had hold of her new Hello Kitty big girl panties! She asked to carry them to the car (that was our special purchase) and was proud of her brand new panties. When life hands you a bad situation - hang on to your panties - literally!!! The things we can learn from our children.

So, today, is the first day that I feel OK. I am coming back. The second question, how do I want to die. I never really thought of that before. The reason, I was told from my 1st surgeon "this won't kill you - you just have to jump through some hoops" I never have thought of the dying question. I just knew I would kick this the only way I know how- with all of my might. But, feeling sick, so sick that I may die, I pondered that question. Here is my raw answer. I don't want to die a long death. I don't want to be sick for a long time. What does that mean. To me, my mind, attitude and spirit need to be revived and that maybe a journey of such for me over the next year. Being whole. Ironically, once of my classmates mentioned that he admired my "wholeness" as a person. I don't know. Can a person be whole, or just strong in many different parts?

It is late, I need sleep as tomorrow I am going to try and do a few more things. Some pictures tomorrow.