Random Thoughts

I am hoping that my strategy works with these treatments. It took me a week to feel back to normal after the taxol. Not as bad as the other - but still icky and foggy. So, I hope to get all of my work done in the two good weeks. The funny thing is - I finally figured out - the week(s) that I feel good the last thing I want to do is spend my time cleaning and organizing. I was to actively do things that make me feel alive. I don't nap as to spend the hour doing something else. That takes its toll at the end of the day, I am in bed by 8:00 or 9:00.

I wore my hair today. Yes I did. As you know, one of my favorite things to do are little training sessions, so I had one this morning. Got up early, put make up on - I am losing my eyelashes (stop stop stop I keep thinking. I have three more treatments - crap - will they all be gone?) I fluffed up the wig, did the bangs a bit differently - and said here I am. I am such a bad liar. This is the group I did the leadership training in the fall, and I just wanted to blurt out - you know it is a wig - I know it is a wig, so friends, if it starts slipping, can you let me know? But, I did not. Have to say that I was really careful not to scratch or bend over. Could you imagine - yikes there the hair goes! I also have these little pimples on my cheeks - so I tried to cover them up with foundation. OH MY GOD - I look like I should be in a casket!!!! You know, when they make those people up that don't look like themselves. That was me. A made up face with funny hair. Wonder how old I look? After this is all over, I think that I'll splurge and get one of those anti toxic facials.

I have this wonderful class, transformational learning. I won't get into it - but if you happen to get an reading in the mail - just know it is from me. I have come across so many good things. Short of the long is, I was sitting in class, listening. Really listening and not trying to judge. Transformational learning deals with adult theory and how you learn at certain times and why. It is the highest learning level for adults. It is deep. It takes my mind into some really great places. For those of you that know me well, I wonder, I ponder, and I wonder. Guess what - there is a reason why. I am talking about this class why? Hmmm, Oh, because there is this gal, spunky gal, that was saying something.......I won't disclose due to privacy, but my response is this. Do you really know what you will say on your death bed until you are on your death bed? You can only think you will know, but you don't know until you are faced with those circumstances. That is what I said, that is ALL that I said the entire 2 1/2 hours. I don't know where that came from but I do know something, we look at our lives and wonder if we are doing what we should. Sometimes, we make changes in our lives, good or bad and we make those decisions on what we know up until that time. I am not close to death, but back at the beginning of the year, I really thought I could have died of dehydration. It was then, only then, that I started to think about things a bit deeper. OK, enough about that.

I have another cold or sinus infection with a cough. Blowing my nose and blood is coming out - something is wrong there! Icky. I am calling the morning, maybe the dr. can see me on Friday when I have my treatment.

The many faces that we put on. We all have different faces that we wear for different things, friend, wife, daughter, sister, mother. As I was sitting in the computer lab the other day, this lady came in and picked up what she was printing. Don't forget, this is the beginning of the semester, I am in a lab with about 30 computers - I am the ONLY one in there. So, I made small talk with her, turns out she is the Director of the writing lab. Then, she came back five minutes later grabbed her papers, came and sat next to me. This is the face of cancer. She says that she is a survivor, 10 years this week, and noticed that I did not have hair. And the conversation went on for 20 minutes or so. It was not the "flying the pink flag" thing, but it was a very intimate, one on one conversation. Was it for me to understand that I too will look at this in a different way later? Was it for her to remember that she too went through what I am going through? I am not sure. I do know I met a person that I see and someone that shared something that maybe I would had never known. My face was that of cancer, and I now realize that is what she saw as do others. I share the story only to share what I feel on a daily basis. It is not a poor me. Rather, how lucky I am to share a connection. You hear of this, and now I have experience the true blessing (I need another word but can't think of one) and this is making me really figure out some things. Strange.

Oh - this gal also said the waiting for the "this is my purpose in life" lightening bolt to come down. She said she is still waiting. I fully understand what she was saying. So far, I look at it as this - it is not that my outlook on life is that I am going to climb a 14,000 peak. What it is is that I am going to figure out how I want to live my life.

Deep deep deep. No wonder I can't sleep.

Today I have the notion in me to thank my sister, mother and father for being great supporters. Remember those faces I talked about, sometimes it is good to be faceless! So thank you - may I never have to support you through this but if I do I hope to be as good of a supporter as you all.

OK, my darling little girl is into something I can tell.