Darn it!

Hi I am back. So, I thought about this before - if you want to know more about my journey, go all the way back to 2007...
Here is my thought today. There was a lady that came up to me one time in my computer lab and we talked for about an hour. She is a Director here at the University. Well, she had breast cancer 10 years ago.....and now it is back as I found out today. I am mad. I don't think that is right, but it is what we "survivors" always fear, that it'll come back. We talked for another hour ;-) and she will be in my thoughts from today on. And what it really comes down to, no matter what, we appreciate and are grateful for family when it gets to be tough times. Her husband the first time around was not so great, he actually was scared. Now, this time, he is embracing it and helping fight it with eating the right type of foods.

So, for those that think that life goes back to "normal" it really never does, or shall I say, I am lucky that I have not lost the zest for looking at some of the small things in life and have wonderment about other things. There are no right or wrong answers, there are just our journeys.

The last posting...or for now ta ta

I have thought and thought how to end this blog. See, I don't want you to think that cancer got the best of me...and I am no longer here. Lets just say - cancer did get the best of me - or brought out the best of me. It has been such a long journey. I don't know how people do this for years and years.

Starting my third year of school, I am so close to getting towards the goal of PhD. But, everything has been for a reason. See, I do think that if I did not have my program, I would had struggled so hard during this battle. There are a few things that I have learned, the first is that family is so important. For a while, I did not pay attention to this and compromised myself and my relationships. Just as important is to hold close those that support you, really support you for being you. I found that I had given up so much over the last 12 years of "me". I had turned myself into someone that really just cared about making life great from the outside, but on the inside knew I was losing myself. I know that there are many people out there that continue with life as the way it is. For me, thrown in my face were the facts, either I change my situation, or someone else will. During my time of hurt, pain and just plain icky times, I took a hard look at my fellow "spa mates" that sat in the chemo chair next to me or across from me. When I looked, I saw when the chips were down, most people rallied around that spa mate. For me, my nurses rallied around me and made me feel as if this was just another day, just another chemo.

Through this process as you may or may have not noticed that my relationship with my husband suffered. And yes, for the first time I need to come out and say that it did not survive and now I find myself divorced. Because of cancer, no, but it may have happened later down the road. It is best for me and I hold guilt as part of being who I am. No one really does understand when I was crying out for help while on steroids - I was so mean and I know that affects Lilli. I know it and hold guilt for that. As my sister said with "spoiling" my child. Think about how long I felt like shit, so for a short time when I felt good I did spoil her. For that is the truth and maybe now I am having to deal with my actions. I just try to do the best that I can, and sometimes that is not great, but I try.

Cancer, it is still odd that I went through what I did. I have one more surgery to correct the plastic surgery that I had done, the "dog ears" on either side of my stomach. This summer was the first time that I was really happy that I went through the reconstructive surgery and don't have to worry about one of my boobs being gone.

Do I think the cancer will come back - yes I do. I am 44 and do think that my "good" lumpectomy boob at some point will go. But, I am going to try and not think about it. I'll cross that when I cross it. Until then, I am going to live my life as I want to with the idea of being kind.

Where do I go from here? Keep going, one foot infront of the next. Keep on appreciating my family and friends. Continuing being grateful for what I have learned during this journey.

I may pop back in here now and again but I would like to leave you with a poem and posting that my friend sent me.

"I feel like you've been a caterpillar, eating up every bit of strength and wisdom and courage before you went into the cocoon...now you are ready to be the butterfly and fly high in the sky in mind, body, spirit and love. I know I'm sounding very corny, but I really do see you....a monarch butterfly (or a Hot Air Balloon!)"

poem by Raymond Carver when I think about you; it's called Last Fragment.

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, tofeel myself
Beloved on the earth.

Peace be with you.

Since there has not been too much going on, I just thought I would write about too much....hear me out on this one. In general, I can consider myself cancer free. That is the good news. And, now I can step into my next few years and breathe a bit. When everything is so raw, I wanted to remember my real feelings about what was going on. I watched a segment of GMA with Robin Roberts, and she described her cancer (as she is now the poster gal for breast cancer) as done and she can put that chapter to rest and move on. My cancer was diagnosed about one month after hers, and we were about the same when it came to treatments, mine was lagging. But here is what I struggle with. And if you are prude - do not read this - but the truth be known, I do not have a nipple, I have a boob that is from fat in my stomach, I have a scar that goes hip to hip and in reality, I do not even think of my "good' boob and having anything wrong with it, until I remember - less than a year ago I had a lumpectomy.

As life starts being "normal" I still stick to me as writing this chapter, and doing my darnedest to close it an move on. I have a feeling that this summer will help with that. As I said, not much going on with me, but one side effect of feeling crappy for some time is that now I tend to over do things. I took 15 hours this semester, 5 classes - most Phd students take 2-3 classes a semester. But no, I had to over do it and on top of it try to juggle all of the craziness a 43 year old has to deal with. Well, for some 43 year olds - they don't have a very very very strong willed daughter...OK, that makes it a bit tougher. Still, I just could do no more at a point and now am trying to keep going. This summer, I'll get back into the swing of my "getting healthy from the core" and trying to deal with my bum knees. I am still convenienced that my tamoxifen has something to do with it.

This summer, I am going to dive a bit more into this happiness thing, it is really just amazing to me and I think that there is really a need to understand where it comes from and how to promote it.

Until then,
Peace be with you.

My Gratitude for Friendship

This has been a heck of a week for me - I went to Ojo last weekend and really enjoyed it. Not really the warm waters, nor the pedicure, it was that I had the pleasure to spend 2 hours up there and then 2 hours back in the car with a friend. I have not seen this friend in close to a year - and although we email and facebook - there is nothing like shared windshield time. I did have to reflect on how funny it was back in about 1998 when she would come and travel with me - I was so scared to have her in my car (she was my boss and I always feared I was doing something wrong because I loved my job so much....). But it was the ease of the talk from one thing to the next, sometimes not even finishing and back to a different story. And, although we have many of the same professional interests, we never talked about work until we stopped at a Starbucks close to my house. But, even then, it was a fun thing, our lives are parallel again. From that comes what I have written about so many times here, which is that friendship and the ease of authentic friendship. Today I went to lunch with my boss from my internship last summer. She is a real nice person. You know, just really nice. She has accepted a job in Tampa and is moving over the next month or so, we talked for almost 3 hours at lunch. Again, it was the ease and sharing, being excited about the newness of her opportunity. And it occurred to me, through my journey - it has been my friends that I have held onto for dear life. The friends that called me or just dropped a line. And, now looking back, that is the most important which is having the will and the way to reach out when you have to. I am on facebook and have re-connected with some other friends, and to be honest, I allow only certain people in - why - because - and this may sound weird is that I want to have a connection with most of them. So anyhow - I have talked about Steve Porter before - he died last year and was the CEO of IHG when I was there. Why I bring him up is that his was authentic in how he dealt with people - at all levels. So, when I contemplate how I want to live the "rest of my life" I really want to live it. That includes making sure to get the good stuff while I am still here on this planet - not after I am gone. The following is from the facebook page and I'll leave it at that for tonight. Peace be with you.

Steve was an outstanding individual. A man of complete integrity and one of the leading hoteliers of his generation, he was enthusiastic and passionate in everything he did. He was, in every sense, a real ‘people person’ and felt as comfortable in the break room as he did in the Boardroom.
Recent News
Steve Porter to receive the Meetings, Conventions and Exhibitions Industry's Highest HonorSent by Corporate Communications, 24 March 2009 Steve Porter, along with four other meetings, conventions, exhibition and travel industry pioneers will join 97 fellow leaders immortalized in the Convention Industry Council's (CIC) Hall of Leaders. Steve was selected from a group of extraordinary nominees representing the most outstanding leaders and innovators in the industry. The honorees will be inducted at the 2010 Hall of Leaders Gala in January held in conjunction with the Professional Convention Management Association's Annual Meeting.Memorial of Steve PorterThe ceremony took place in the hills high above LA on a bright, sunny day. It was a wonderful setting and a number of people commented that it was a place that truly suited Steve - very impressive and somehow just right.The ceremony was very moving. The minister spoke many kind words to help us remember all that Steve had stood for and what he meant to those who had the privilege to know him. For all of us, however, I am sure it was the few, poignant words spoken by his two sons, Steve Jr. and Charlie that will stay in our minds. They related what their father had meant to them in a number of ways, but both commented that they would always remember Steve’s optimism and words of comfort that he had so often said to them - "don't worry, it will be alright." We will remember Steve for a long time to come, but he left us with fond memories, a great strategy and a strong business that we will move forward.

Gratitude thoughts

I heard this on Human Kind it was about happiness. I loved it and then I went to go find the link, and behold - you have to pay for it. So, oh well, you just get me saying it. Here is what it comes down to - people that meditate seem to be happier in life. And, the also tend to be good people to be around. When talking about happiness, it is not about the things you have in life, rather, about the life you have. Yes so true. I do think that here in USofA, there is some type of expectation of how things should be with your car, house, life etc. When in reality it is not about things - it is about the here and now. As I was talking to someone the other day we spoke of being healthy from the inside out. Really being healthy in mind and spirit with the body to follow. In by doing things, getting out and seeing the pretty mountains. Sure we choose how we live, and for me, I would rather have a comfortable living than to struggle with the day to day things that make life hard. I am not going to go to a scary part of town just to know the feeling of scary. Life does not have to be that hard.

I am switching subjects here - I have gray hair. Yes I do. So, I think what I'll end up doing is playing with some "streaks" in my hair. See how that works. Trust me - I am not complaining - just saying.

I am really looking forward to my friends birthday. This is my first "girls night" OK - it'll be 1 day and 1 night out. We are heading to Ojo Caliente and I can't wait. It is a place with natural springs to soak in. Try as I might - I am out of shape. I really don't care - I do care - but too late to care. I have never really enjoyed the massage stuff but I do enjoy the manicure and pedicures for sure. And, that is what I am getting. Splurging if you will. Although it is really busy as far as school work, we have been planning this for a long time.

Four Ways to Give Thanks

These simple tips will help you to cultivate gratitude in your daily life.

BY: Catherine Price

Reprinted from Greater Good Magazine, Vol. IV, Issue 1. Used with permission.

Research in positive psychology has identified several ways that practicing gratitude can boost people's health and happiness. Here are four of these research-tested "gratitude interventions."

1. Write a gratitude letter.
Research by Martin Seligman, Christopher Peterson, and others has shown this one to be particularly effective. Write a letter to a mentor, family member, or some other important person in your life whom you've never properly thanked. Deliver it in person. Read it out loud. Bring tissues.

2. Keep a gratitude journal.
Studies by psychologists Michael McCullough, Robert Emmons, Sonja Lyubomirsky, and others have backed up this exercise, which involves keeping a list of things for which you're grateful—anything from your children or spouse to the beauty of the tree outside your window. Doing so helps you focus on the positive things in your life—a practice that's been shown to increase happiness.

3. Savor.
Take the time to notice beauty and pleasures in your daily life. Loyola University psychologist Fred Bryant has shown that savoring positive experiences can heighten your positive responses to them. A key to savoring is what Bryant calls "thanksgiving," or expressing gratitude for the blessings that come your way, large and small.

4. Think outside the box.
It's fairly obvious why we might feel grateful for grandmothers, lovely sunsets, and anything else that has provided comfort or beauty in our lives. But what about thanking the homeless people who come to the shelter where you volunteer? "Individuals who do volunteer work sometimes speak of the benefits they receive from service," writes Robert Emmons in his forthcoming book, Thanks! "Since service to others helped them to find their own inner spirituality, they were grateful for the opportunity to serve." If we look hard enough, he argues, we can find a reason to feel grateful for any relationship—even when someone does us harm, as that person helps us appreciate our own vulnerability. Emmons claims that such highly advanced forms of gratitude may actually increase the level of goodness in the world by inspiring positive acts in ourselves and others.

Today is a day

Trust. Trust is a huge thing. I trust. Let me tell you about trust. Trust is that you can share something on the deepest level and that person has your back. That is trust. I speak of trust because for me, it is essential in everything that I do. Once the trust is gone, it is gone. Very rarely do I give that trust back.

Another thought - doing the right thing for the right reasons. Here is what I heard today in my business class, talking about doing the right things and the right times. So, it got me wondering what I do. Throughout the last few years, even before my cancer, I started on a journey of figuring out how to be kind. Not the, be kind to a person one time, but really to be kind and have a kind heart. I think I already to have a kind heart, but years of competitive business, makes some of us a bit hardened. So, a person can pull back and then decide to be more of the person that they want to be. Kindness is not so far from me, but yet - I need to be reminded that it is a part of me and needs to be even moreso. Round and round this post goes and where it'll stop, nobody knows.

I just read that my cousin has to go through chemo. That sucks and brings back many memories for me. 6 rounds, that is not too bad, but still, that is a long haul in the short term. Although I know that she can do this - it is still hard. And it is personal. We all go through it differently. I'll be grabbing some of my scarves that I have left and sending them on to her. My emotion when I read that from her was anger. It really is anger that she has cancer and she is young. She will beat it, but it will be a heck of a journey. She also will one up me. She goes through radiation. Thank heavens I never had to do that. With my skin, could you imagine I would be red blotchy all over.

So - there are random thoughts from me today. The thoughts that are in my head, most don't make it here to the blog, they stay in my head.

Peace be with you.

The power of a hug.  An authentic hug.  This is what I felt and witnessed today.  The exchange was between a professor and a student.  I did not know what the relationship was, but the energy that I felt - the true sense of being an authentic person to person, human to human and the joy that they shared when they saw each other was great.  The amazing part is that the older person (professor) most likely had no idea of the impact she had on other people.  Amazing stuff if you take the time to just stand back and observe.  

Everyday little things.  So, my insurance is going to change.  The good news is that the insurance is back to what it was before.  Great news for Lilli's doc!  Can't wait to see her.  Then as the conversation turned to me, oh my - am I going to have to change to a new oncologist?  That is a heavy thing that I have never felt before.  As the words were coming out of my mouth, my husband said "I have to change too" - and I guess daggers could be see shooting off the car ceiling.  I answered - "Have you had cancer and oncologist that you would see on a weekly basis?".  I have never been really good with zingers - can't think on my feet and I am really a reflective learner - have to think about thinking about something. ;-)  Alas, my cancer center takes the new insurance and I am very happy.  No more stress about that - onto other stressors.  

I wrote something down on Sunday and forgot it at work - so I am paraphrasing.  What was said is that we are the agents of change and not victims.  When we see that we are the ones that need change - and not being a victim, that is the true sense of transformation.  Funny thing, as I was listening, and they were talking about transformation - I could only think - you have part of it correct - I have learned so much about transformation, triggers, journeys and the like.

Kids say the funniest things.  So, don't tell anyone, just between us, on my Iphone I have all different songs.  In my crappy car I have an adaptor - tape that I plug in so my phone works in the speakers.  Anyway - we crank up Pink, Sheryl Crow, Lily Allen and Mamma Mia.  Bowling for Soup "Greatest Day" gets us rocking in the morning.  And, above all, I play the air drums.  Who needs guitar hero when you can rock out with a 4 year old.  Dance like no one is looking, hell, sing like no one cares.  You know why - I don't care if you see me air drumming.  Sorry that you can be in the car with me!  Oh - Lilli says that I must be 1000 years old......nice!

Enough for one day.  So "how are you doing today" fine I say....fine - that is my mom's word....I feel 75% physically and about 110% mentally.  Somewhere in the middle is "fine".  Today I feel empowered and really am grateful for what I know is today.  Tomorrow, that is another day.  Another day to say "look, it is our lucky day - we see a balloon!".

Peace be with you.

Random thoughts

As I once again can't sleep, I thought I would get up and write some for my scholarships that I am applying. But, it is a strange thought, me writing for a scholarship to pay for my time to write my dissertation and I am applying for cancer ones. Strange indeed, who would had thunk! :-) But, there are some out there, at different levels of money and I am going to try for them since I fully understand about the "giving" back in the name of someone. Actually, that would be a good legacy to have a celebration as such.

In July which is right around the corner, I'll be two years out from the diagnoses. Wow, it seems as if time does fly. When talking to my dad the other day I remember a year ago just like it was yesterday, I was up in Santa Fe with my sister and my nieces. It was after my last chemo and I was on the road back. Looking ahead another year, wow, I am going to be ABD and working towards dissertation. As only I can lead my life, that is how I do things, with a clear goal. I also really think that everything for a reason. I have stuck to my thought about people that I just don't want to be a part of anymore - and that happens. As my life evolves yet comes back full circle, things can change and do change. I am slipping back into the routine of life, which means for me, a full day, a full night and then hopefully a break here and there. Back to taking and picking up Lilli, taking care of everything. So, I guess in many people eyes it is "normal". Yet, what people don't see, they can't feel what I feel, the tightness in my stomach due to the TRAM, and me just wanting to slouch over just a bit because I am really tired. Trying to figure out my hair, waves and all. People just don't see that although I may look like I am just going along with life, I really do have my goals clear, my plan in place and working towards the future. I don't go outside of my comfort zone too much, yet life is just not boring. Otherwise I would shake it up. But, I still hold to the fact that I am free to do what I want and be, I am free to live without being guilty of how I want to live and mostly, I am a human.

Another random thought is that I have to say that those quotes, although I use them at times for the right occasion, I wonder if people really do think of the quotes they attach to their emails. It reminds of the gal that said she knew exactly how she wanted to live her life because you never know when you'll get to the end. My comment is, you can say that - but do you really mean that? I am not sure. You don't know what it is like to be fuzzy from Chemo and it is so out of your control. Try living life to the fullest when you can barely walk due to bone pain.

I am tired yet can't sleep and finding that maybe I just need to call it quits for tonight.

Peace be with you.

On days you want to remember

It seems as if there are just days in which you feel pretty good and that you know things are moving the the right direction.

That is just the thought I have for the day.

Peace be with you.

One more year

Good news, my mammogram came back OK - I have one year before I need to go through that again. And, I am happy. I can finally breathe after the last year and 1/2. On the other hand, my cousin is just finding out that her breast cancer maybe a bit more than what she thought. I hate knowing that she is going through the same uncertainty and the "what else". For heavens sake, what else. Not really the why me - but it is - could it be something else and your whole world starts spinning. I say those safety nets need to start being extended, and when asked of how to help, I say, all of us need to extend our safety nets to everyone in our circle. For those that are in the "club" even more so. We are never "done" with this nasty thing called cancer, be we really are those warriors, ready to battle a another day.

I need to write an essay for a scholarship, I don't even know where to start. Then, at some point I do wonder about taking advantage of the cancer. Goodness, that is a hard one for sure.

I really don't have too much to write about tonight as I am just pooped. Days for me are pretty long, especially on the weekends. Finally at 9p.m. I can wind down, yet, think that I can get something done.

So, here is just a funny before I sign off. Our life is in increments of oil changes. Here is what I think, I just had an oil change on my car the other day. The date came back on my next oil change is due 5/31/09. When that date hits, I'll be done with classes, getting closer to the fall semester, done with a huge chunk of worry, and yet, the next oil change, 3 months later, what will that bring. The end of summer, Lilli going to Pre-K. Goodness. Life is about oil changes.

Peace be with you.

School, boobs and stuff

So, I am taking classes this spring and one of them is online.  It is in an area which really interests me - web 2.0 and education.  Part of one of the assignments is to do a blog or invite the class to a blog that I am doing.  I go back and forth.  I guess I could invite them here....it is in open web 2.0 space....and alert them "crazy chick going through cancer and may say things not appropriate for viewers!".  

OK, enough of that.  Actually - just a comment.  I have found that I have not taken the time to stop and smell the roses.  Not sure if it is just me, but I want to do more - push the limit.  Which is not good for the ol immune system.

Here are my recent thoughts - someone was told that they have breast cancer today.  Someone was told that they will die soon, someone was told that they will live.  What is life?  I got my one boob squeezed today.  It was my 6 month check up.  The gal who did the mammogram started with "I noticed that Dr. Smith only ordered a mammogram for the right boob...and I think it is important to look at them both."  My emotions were between anger and fear.  I am glad she could not see the thought bubble on top of my head.  "Hey chicky poo - I don't have a left boob and you not getting close to it...don't you read the charts...." then, her only comment was that they were going to a "paperless" system and there was no indication of a TRAM on the left side.  Foolish I say - look at my frickin' folder - it is an inch tall!!!!  And so it goes, another day of just the smallest thing that just should not happen.  If it is happening to me, it is happening to others.  And on another note, going and getting a mammogram done is just plain scary at this point, I am ready to say take it off please!!!!

One of my cousins has concerns after a mammogram.  She mentioned, isn't funny after all of these years it take our boobs to get us communicating.  She also went thru some infertility stuff and see, I bet that is connected.  All of the drugs, hormones etc. pumped into our system.

I think it is finally time for me to get my hair trimmed.  It is looking a little funny in the back.  As quick as I am to say I am going to grow it longer, I like the short funky style - as long as I don't look like a boy.  

Enough for today - maybe more sooner than later.

Peace be with you.

Take a break

I love this!  What I did not take a picture of is the actual bench.  It is a flagstone bench.  Wouldn't this be a great thing to do out in the middle of nowhere - well - not there but you know - along a hiking trail..... Or it could be almost a metaphor for the journey of cancer - just take a break and have a sit for a while!

Last Herceptin - may my veins heal!

We have had huge things happen over the last few weeks. Wow. So, I am thrilled to be alive and thrilled that last week - January 14th 2009 was my last herceptin. As uneventful as it started, so it ended. 17 infusions later. I was happy to be done. Funny thing is that I have seen others get weepy or such at the last one. Well, not me. Sure, I'll miss the every three 3 weeks that I have to sit in the chair and talk - but I will enjoy maybe every three weeks just sitting down for a cup of coffee instead.

What a life. My mom was here for the weekend. It was a good trip and as always she puts the mom spin on things....you know just to make one think. While we were driving to school today Lilli said that she had such a good time with grandma and I asked what was her favorite thing. Playing and coloring. Aha - it really is about the fun isn't it!

I am back at school and happy and thankful to be here. Taking a full load - 15 hours but I think it'll be OK. I keep saying - if I can do 12 hours and every now and again feel icky from the herceptin, then I surely can do 1 more class.......

So here is a thought- as I type this there are people that are sitting in chemo chairs, there are people that are giving a good fight and there are people that are dying. For me, I understand this and I appreciate this a bit more. As I keep saying I have changed, but really I have not, it is me not the change. Some is more of me, some is less of me, but I have full control now over most of me. I have met so many wonderful people that inspire certain things. I add a little "well that is for so and so" as I do something that we may have talked about when you are in a chemo chair. For those that I have spent time with, just sitting and talking being hooked up to machines, the conversations will never leave my mind. I may have not known them well, but think about this, when have you really, I mean really talked with people on that level. When you talk about how the drugs affect your poop - you can talk about anything. Except death. That was never discussed.

As I move away from my every three week commitment, I am thrilled to be alive. To wake this morning and say Lilli come here - look at the sky - isn't it just beautiful? Or having our "lucky day" when a balloon floats over the city. OK. So, for those of you that don't know - almost every morning there are balloons (hot air balloons) that float around. But, having that be the sign for a lucky day - why not - odds are in our favor!

In all of my awe, a while back I have really tried to live my life from a place in gratitude. It is from this in which has become a habit to be thankful of what I have and what I will have in the future. It is knowing that I have the choice in may things. I can control much of that - and I know that I can't control other aspects of my life. So be it. I will deal with what I have to in the future with a different view than before.

Oh, just a small thing happened this week and as my dad said - we got him into office. No matter what your political view - it is all about the politics - put that aside and just relish in change. There is hope like we have not seen in years and I really do think that will trickle down to all of us. So, be a bit nicer to a person on the road, or on the street. Look the other way when you encounter someone that is just not worthy of your thoughts. Focus on the positive and the rest will come. Take a look around, sometimes change may come slowly for reasons that you may not know why - but it'll come. The answers most likely are in front of you if you come from it with gratitude of what you have today. Change in me, change in my life to continue. As I have the choice of my control.

May peace be with you today.

Getting ready for a party

I am getting ready for a party. It is my party. It'll be just another Wednesday for everyone else, the world will turn, the sun will rise from the east and set in the west and for me, it will be my last herceptin chemo. I am going to wear my best party dress and enjoy the time, I hope the last sitting with a needle in my hand. I hope, there is hope, this is it.

So, for those that may check this - it will be a great day on January 14, 2009.

Peace Quotes

I get peace quotes everyday - unlike some of the other "quote of the day" type of things, I look forward to opening this email each morning. Like a gift. Most are really good and should say "makes you think" quote of the day. I am sharing the one that I like the best this week - enjoy. It is how I view many things such as people that keep looking toward retirement versus living in the here and now. We all know how life can change quickly, and with that I really think that it is about doing what is important now.

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.- Grace Hansen

Happy New Year - Hello 2009

As I write this - I took the time to look back on last year at this time.  I was sick - it was the type of sick that I never want to repeat.  Although I feel a bit sick, cold, cough now - it is nothing like it was last year.  I am most definitely having side effects from the tamoxifin and/or herceptin, but I guess it is something that I have to live with.  My knees get so swollen that it is hard to walk, that is about 3-4 per week.  I think it is from the tamoxifin.  As it comes to the time which father time will change from one year to the next - I reflect back and look forward.  I wish everyone a safe, secure new year.  

For me - I have not really been good about making resolutions and I am not good with sticking to the Jan 1st type of thing.  When I stopped smoking - it was Feb 1st - and that will be 10 years this year!

I also think that for me, this will be a wonderful year.  I am looking forward to being done with the every three week infusions.  Just think, I have been doing that for about 1 1/2 years and no wonder I can't find veins for blood work and infusions.  But, when I am done, I am done - if I had a port that would be one more thing that I would have to do.  

Hair - glorious hair.  It is coming back.  Still have yet to use a brush - I don't need one as of yet just my fingers.  But, if I have not mentioned it - there is something about short hair that I personally don't like.  Not sure if it goes back to when I was a kid.  I think I am going to grow out the bangs a bit longer and then decide what to do with it.  I just feel old and look at my skin - I look old too.  Guess that is really what I want to work on for the new year.  I am going to see if I can get that to go away (looking old and frumpy).  I also want to change some other things as well - and that will come with time.  It really is an inside out thing.

So, with that said - I am happy that I am not sick this year - there is not any visible cancer in me and that I can think with a clear mind. 

Peace be with you.

I have been busy - and now I can breathe

It has been a long time. A long time. Several people have asked me how I feel. I feel 75%. I feel older, as if my body has aged from the inside out. My knee's are worse, my veins, don't get me started - it is hard to fine a "good one" and I am thankful that today's blood draw was without event! So, enough whining -

In a strange way, I have always loved the snow - lots of snow where you can't move snow. The Chicago snow that is up to your thigh. The deep powder on the side of Vail mountain. Snow glorious snow. Yet, I never will live in a place with too much - as much as I love to play in it - I so don't love to drive in it. Hopefully with that being said - we will have a white Christmas this year. As I was thinking of each of you on Winter Solstice - it is my mom that shared with me the following:

Dear Heron Dancers,
The Shortest Day of the Year Just Passed
The winter woods are white now
Quiet and peaceful.
I left my cabin today
For a walk through the woodsAnd snow.
Big white flakes, filling deer
And coyote tracks.
A pileated woodpecker
Hammers an old pine tree
Sustenance.
My dog looks at me with eyes that wonder if he should investigate or ignore.
I stop to listen and watch.
He does too.
Then we walk on together,
Through the white, white
Falling snow.
The longest night of the year
Behind us now.
A new year just ahead.
A fresh new year, just ahead.
What will it bring?
Change, change.
Change will come with this New Year.
Keep growing, keep moving.
Keep learning, keep stretching.
Keep walking these woods.
This next year—hard work, challenge
And then a return
To peace, deep peace
In these woods.
In celebration of the Great Dance of Life,
Roderick W. MacIver

I have shared the secret of Heron Dance with several of you - but if you have a few extra dollars and want to be a part of such beautiful words - go to www.herondance.org and subscribe.

I am off to my 2nd to last infusion, it is a true push at this point. It is part of my life. As I was talking to someone today - they said - don't worry about bringing a dish - you have a Dr's appointment in the morning - and my response was - well, it is part of me. It really is just something that I work with. Such as today and many many other blood draws. Lilli has to go with me. Either she sits with me or sits in the chair across from me. Today - she got chocolate from the nurse - before lunch - oh my. But that is again just part of my world and those that need to do this. Just as my boob is my "stomach muscle" normal for right now is getting blood drawn. It is really a casual affair and I just don't make a big deal about it. Why, I think it is like a swear word for Lilli. If I react - it is that much bigger. Hell, there are lots of people that have to do this for years. And years. And only to lose their battle. So, I'll take what life is giving me right now. May I remind myself, I am on vacation. Wonderful vacation for two weeks!!!! I rented 4 movies today - Mamma Mia - as I was watching it I was reminded of my visit to the stage production about 6 years ago when my friend met me in St. Louis. It was great then and I still love musicals today. They put a charge in your body. Well, for some of us, the others - guess that is why not everyone goes to the theatre. OK. For someone that did not have anything to say, I am rambling.

Peace be with you on this day.

2 more

It has been forever. I am under a tad bit of stress at the end of the semester. Here is what I want to remember - 2 more infusions!!!!

I'll be done before I go back in the spring. But, that means, one on Dec 24th - oh well.

And,
"everything you say matters, somethings count". I love that quote.

By the way - each of my herceptins tends to get a bit worse the day after. Is it just me? Don't know. But, this time, I was so tired the day after and my whole body felt icky. Goodness. Oh well, it is now another day later and I feel OK.

Peace be with you.

BRCA1 and 2

Just a quick note - BRCA1 and BRCA2 test came back with "no mutation dedected". That is good news! So then - where the HELL did this cancer come from?

I saw this obit and thought it was great, do you think she wrote it?
WEIDMAN -- Elinor Cessek Johnson Weidman, born December 18, 1914 in Cicero, IL, to Czech parents Frank and Mary (Danek) Cessek, died of just plain old age on Friday, November 14, 2008. A 50 year Albuquerque resident, she lived a long, rich, rewarding, extraordinary life for nearly 94 years--always confident and independent, and usually a little eccentric. A brilliant student who skipped two terms in high school, she traveled in Europe with two girlfriends between the Depression and WWII, leaving a lasting impression on her life. She loved reading, dancing, traveling and, most of all, duplicate bridge, becoming a Silver Life Master after much success in local, sectional, and regional tournaments. She was pre-deceased by virtually everyone from her era, including many friends, and her sisters Mildred, Camille, and Winnie. She was married to Dr. Donald Bowden Johnson of Evansville, IN from 1939 to 1955 when he died, shortly after the family moved to Albuquerque. They had two sons, Doug Johnson and Rick Johnson--whom she raised as a strong, single parent. In 1974, at age 60, she married childhood friend and widower Bob Weidman with whom she shared 31 wonderful years, until his death in 2005, at age 91. In her words, both of her husbands were "marvelous men and dancers." Elinor spent her last two years at 819 Parkland Circle SE, in the superb care of Sandy Green, Michael Bishop, and the warm-hearted staff at their small, loving elder care home. She is survived by her sons, Doug Johnson and wife, Ruth and family, Rick Johnson and wife, Debbie and family; stepson, Doug Weidman and wife, Judy and family; stepdaughter, Arlene Hamilton and husband, Bill and family; grandchildren, Leslie Johnson, Lauren Johnson Hegna and husband, Corey and family; her best friend of 40 years, Joann Coleman of El Paso, with whom she shared joy, secrets, and work. She was famously a bad cook, an infallible grammarian, an eternal optimist and was rarely wrong about anything. She loved chocolate, poetry, romantic art, bright colors and her Schiaparelli-designed sunglasses with little black and white awnings, which she wore outdoors and indoors for several decades. She hated cheese sandwiches, dangling prepositions, vulgar language, rude people, and extremists of every stripe. A Memorial Service in her honor will be held Friday, November 21, 2008, 3:00 p.m., at French Mortuary, University Blvd Chapel. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to your personal travel fund or to your 401K. Please visit our online guestbook for Elinor at RememberTheirStory.com. French 1111 University Blvd. NE (505) 843-6333

Grandpa's death

I feel sad today that Grandpa passed. Although there is a sense of peace within me as I know he lived such a long life. Glad that he went in a good way. It has been a long road for my mom, and for that, I am also feeling a sense of peace for her.

Death is death - I would imagine that if you have strong beliefs that you "go" somewhere - then it may make it better. But, it is sad when good people die. My grandparents were great people and I feel as if being part of that family really makes me appreciate friends and family now. There was one year in which I lived in Tucson, and I really had a great relationship with my grandparents. We went to shows, had birthday parties, had fun. I love being with them and always felt good around them. In the last couple years when I would visit my grandfather, we talked about things that were hush hush in my Swedish household. Money. Where on earth did they get that money to build a beautiful house in Timberlake. We talked about management - his duties. That was interesting, I could never imagine.

So, on this day, when mom called, it was the day for him to pass. He was loved and he loved others. So, how do you live your life? That is the question that swirls around in my head. I want to live my life with zest. That is how I think my grandparents lived their life for the most part. It sincerely is about living and participating in life - not waiting to die.

Today, I went and had lunch at the museum. My place. I was one with my grandparents and took a few deep breaths and enjoyed some memories. When I ordered my lunch - they gave me #22 to place on my table. It was then that I knew. My #22 is the sign. Then, when they delivered a tuna sandwich instead of my turkey - I really knew......

Peace be with you grandpa.