Thoughts on this Friday - and after herceptin

The count down is on. I think I have only 3 herceptins left – I am going to have to get back and see where I am at. There are a few things that I have thought of over the last week. The first is this idea of getting into the groove of being normal. It happens. Yes, I knew it would happen, but it does happen where you just start grooving. Don’t notice so much around you. Yet, the other day, I was walking to class and saw this purple feather in a tree. It was just sitting there. It was not from a bird, but rather from such thing as a boa. It was odd sitting in that tree, alone. Do others notice the purple feather I wonder.

Fear. I speak of fear a lot. Yesterday I saw it in the face of a gal that came into the chemo room to “look around”. At first I was not sure if it was she or her husband that was coming in for treatment. But, it was her. And she was fearful. You could see that numbness, that blank stare of “this is not me” “this is not happening”. I know that stare. She will get through it, or so I say, push through it and I hope that she will be OK.

When your heart just sinks. You know that feeling. Your heart just sinks into your stomach. It happened to me today. I was taking Lilli to school and saw a big puff of smoke. Black smoke coming out of a chimney. I looked at the sign and all I needed to do is to read “Animal services” and you know the rest of the story. It is life. Just before that moment, literally, it was 5 minutes before that, I was wondering if there is an organization that takes the animals of cancer patients that have died. There has to be some type of something like that out there. I am not sure.

Have to say, the head is fuzzy today. Although I don’t want to think there are any “side effects” from the herceptin – I am fuzzy for some reason. My brain is off and my stomach is off. I spent an hour trying to sweat it out this morning at the gym. I have decided to not worry about the weight and just continue towards being healthy.

So, part of this blog is a reach out to my family. It started as just that. Then, as we all have given the url to some people that may find it of interest or comfort - we have shared our journey in this crazy situation. I thought since I have been raw and detailed for most of the time I would share my views on therapy. People ask me about going to group therapy. I never did that. Amazing, as social as I like to be, I decided to not go. I will say that I did spend a few hours with a specialist in cancer therapy discussing how I felt and how to move my life forward. My suggestion, just like everything else – do what works for you. There is no shame in talking with professionals that help you see things from a different light. Also true, I hold my education close to my vest as my shield. This is the place in which I have fought to stay in classes and have done OK. It is also a place which I have pulled from energy around me and become stronger when I thought I could not go on. I write this now, not because I think I am clear on life, death, cancer and being me, but my experience has heightened my awareness to what is around me. A purple feather if you will. As I write this understand, I write for me. This is not about sharing some secrets with the reader, as my immediate family knows the twists of cancer and what I have been through. Or thus, we have been through.

With that. I sign off for the day or the week.
Peace be with you.