Just some thoughts

I am happy that the elections are over, that Halloween is over and we are on to the end of the year. The bottom line is that I have tried to focus on becoming stronger from the "core" and yet I have been feeling not so great. Whether it is true or not, I think that the tamoxifin is making me gain weight. Lord knows, I have fought that battle all of my adult life - but now I am making a real effort to get moving and eat less. Yep - three weeks into a "formal" weight watchers - sign em up and count everything.....I have not lost any weight. Rather - in a week I gain 4 pounds from the week before. Moreso - I am trying to drink more water and I have been exercising 4 days a week. Whatever. It is not what I thought would happen. I have another 6 months on the Tamoxifin and then I'll be done. I looked up the side effects and water retention is one thing as well as weight gain. Just say that and there I go - the ol placebo effect~

And, I want to write this down - if I go crazy - like really crazy it is because of the constant ear ringing. For the love of god - stop the madness!!!! It is all of the time. The worst is when I have some little creature yelling in that high pitch voice - you know what I am talking about - that drives me over the top.

As I am complaining, a thought just popped into my head. Today is not about me. It is about someone that I knew a while ago. He was a very close friend of my close friend. Although I did not know him at the friend level, here is what I observed from the outside. A guy, dedicated to his work - his life was about his work - died last weekend. I was talking to my friend about him, and she told me that he was in hospice care. She was flying to see him this week. But what I heard myself saying to her, did he live while he was alive.

Did he live while he was alive?

To each of us that means something different. It does not mean that we have to do crazy stuff to prove that you are alive. What comes to my mind is skydiving, or such. That would just scare the crap out of me and there - poof - I am alive. No, what I am talking about is more than that. So many times I get caught up things that really don't matter. I do call it the negitive energy. But what I am doing to make sure that my life is to be lived the way I want in harmony with others. There is cleary a balance that we all strive for after our basic needs are met. But why do some people just live without living?

Does it really take an event to shake things up? Maybe.

I am rambling, on to something else. Bone pain. I have had a cold over the last couple of days and I am reminded of what my bone pain used to feel like. I am so happy that I don't have that anymore. As I walked to my car yesterday, I was also reminded of how I don't really care for the dark and the cold. I can't wait for those days when I can walk to my car at 5p.m. and have it be light. I love the light.
Peace be with you.