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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year - Hello 2009

As I write this - I took the time to look back on last year at this time.  I was sick - it was the type of sick that I never want to repeat.  Although I feel a bit sick, cold, cough now - it is nothing like it was last year.  I am most definitely having side effects from the tamoxifin and/or herceptin, but I guess it is something that I have to live with.  My knees get so swollen that it is hard to walk, that is about 3-4 per week.  I think it is from the tamoxifin.  As it comes to the time which father time will change from one year to the next - I reflect back and look forward.  I wish everyone a safe, secure new year.  


For me - I have not really been good about making resolutions and I am not good with sticking to the Jan 1st type of thing.  When I stopped smoking - it was Feb 1st - and that will be 10 years this year!

I also think that for me, this will be a wonderful year.  I am looking forward to being done with the every three week infusions.  Just think, I have been doing that for about 1 1/2 years and no wonder I can't find veins for blood work and infusions.  But, when I am done, I am done - if I had a port that would be one more thing that I would have to do.  

Hair - glorious hair.  It is coming back.  Still have yet to use a brush - I don't need one as of yet just my fingers.  But, if I have not mentioned it - there is something about short hair that I personally don't like.  Not sure if it goes back to when I was a kid.  I think I am going to grow out the bangs a bit longer and then decide what to do with it.  I just feel old and look at my skin - I look old too.  Guess that is really what I want to work on for the new year.  I am going to see if I can get that to go away (looking old and frumpy).  I also want to change some other things as well - and that will come with time.  It really is an inside out thing.

So, with that said - I am happy that I am not sick this year - there is not any visible cancer in me and that I can think with a clear mind. 

Peace be with you.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I have been busy - and now I can breathe

It has been a long time. A long time. Several people have asked me how I feel. I feel 75%. I feel older, as if my body has aged from the inside out. My knee's are worse, my veins, don't get me started - it is hard to fine a "good one" and I am thankful that today's blood draw was without event! So, enough whining -

In a strange way, I have always loved the snow - lots of snow where you can't move snow. The Chicago snow that is up to your thigh. The deep powder on the side of Vail mountain. Snow glorious snow. Yet, I never will live in a place with too much - as much as I love to play in it - I so don't love to drive in it. Hopefully with that being said - we will have a white Christmas this year. As I was thinking of each of you on Winter Solstice - it is my mom that shared with me the following:

Dear Heron Dancers,
The Shortest Day of the Year Just Passed
The winter woods are white now

Quiet and peaceful.
I left my cabin today
For a walk through the woodsAnd snow.
Big white flakes, filling deer
And coyote tracks.
A pileated woodpecker

Hammers an old pine tree
Sustenance.
My dog looks at me with eyes that wonder if he should investigate or ignore.
I stop to listen and watch.
He does too.
Then we walk on together,
Through the white, white
Falling snow.
The longest night of the year

Behind us now.
A new year just ahead.
A fresh new year, just ahead.
What will it bring?

Change, change.
Change will come with this New Year.
Keep growing, keep moving.
Keep learning, keep stretching.
Keep walking these woods.
This next year—hard work, challenge
And then a return
To peace, deep peace
In these woods.
In celebration of the Great Dance of Life,
Roderick W. MacIver


I have shared the secret of Heron Dance with several of you - but if you have a few extra dollars and want to be a part of such beautiful words - go to www.herondance.org and subscribe.

I am off to my 2nd to last infusion, it is a true push at this point. It is part of my life. As I was talking to someone today - they said - don't worry about bringing a dish - you have a Dr's appointment in the morning - and my response was - well, it is part of me. It really is just something that I work with. Such as today and many many other blood draws. Lilli has to go with me. Either she sits with me or sits in the chair across from me. Today - she got chocolate from the nurse - before lunch - oh my. But that is again just part of my world and those that need to do this. Just as my boob is my "stomach muscle" normal for right now is getting blood drawn. It is really a casual affair and I just don't make a big deal about it. Why, I think it is like a swear word for Lilli. If I react - it is that much bigger. Hell, there are lots of people that have to do this for years. And years. And only to lose their battle. So, I'll take what life is giving me right now. May I remind myself, I am on vacation. Wonderful vacation for two weeks!!!! I rented 4 movies today - Mamma Mia - as I was watching it I was reminded of my visit to the stage production about 6 years ago when my friend met me in St. Louis. It was great then and I still love musicals today. They put a charge in your body. Well, for some of us, the others - guess that is why not everyone goes to the theatre. OK. For someone that did not have anything to say, I am rambling.

Peace be with you on this day.

Friday, December 5, 2008

2 more

It has been forever. I am under a tad bit of stress at the end of the semester. Here is what I want to remember - 2 more infusions!!!!

I'll be done before I go back in the spring. But, that means, one on Dec 24th - oh well.

And,
"everything you say matters, somethings count". I love that quote.

By the way - each of my herceptins tends to get a bit worse the day after. Is it just me? Don't know. But, this time, I was so tired the day after and my whole body felt icky. Goodness. Oh well, it is now another day later and I feel OK.

Peace be with you.