Happy Leap Year

I am the last kid in daycare waiting to be picked up…….I am sitting here in the chemo room with my fav-o-rite nurses. I remembered that Sheryl Crow’s new album is in the Computer. I like some of the songs – they are the sound of Sheryl Crow if you know what I mean. I put on my hair today. The new hair. Funny thing happened. Long story but it comes down to this – I had an interview this morning. It is for an interesting venture at UNM. Not sure if it is a good fit but the moral of the story is that I had to decide what hair to wear. Now come on, have any of you had to think about that? I wore the new wig – it is more of me. So I felt good. The interview – that is another thing – I am getting used to the University type of people. It is a cool program – helping with conserving energy at the University – training position.

Oh Look more people are coming in – good. How did you spend your Friday afternoon. Hopefully not with a needle in your arm.

Oh, I forgot – back to the hair. It was a bit windy today. And, I had a dream the other night that during this interview my wig slid back a bit, the bangs were on the top of the head. I took some time after I entered the building, went to the Potty and fixed my hair. Then I went into the office. The lady says – oh wow – I love your hair! Goodness – I almost pulled off the “hair”. But I just said thank you.

My stomach started to turn at the end of the treatment. When I got home, Lilli and Daddy were outside doing some fixing type of things. Don’t know – it was so nice out that anything outside is good. A couple of hours later – ouch. It is OK now – don’t know why it was so upset!

Random spacey thought for the night. I am not going to take the steroids this time. They help with nausea. We shall see. I have 3 other things I take for nausea so hopefully I will not need those nasty steroid things! Speaking of that – I took a pill now it is time to sign off!

See how high the moon is on my thumb. The others are getting lighter so you can't see them.

More things -

I thought you would like to see the sights I see as I walk to school. It is a delightful University Adobe house. I love looking at it wondering what it is like on the inside. Ahh, good metaphor for many of the people I see as well. Outside is one thing, what on the inside is different. So as I was leaving school tonight, after a wonderful class I may add, I listened to the following tune. Can you name the song or the artist? Read to the end for the answer Here it is

He left yesterday behind him

you might say he was born again

you might say he found a key to ev'ry door

Just for the blog - my ears are ringing. I am wondering if it maybe a drug that I am taking. Who knows.


















































http://www.mylifetime.com/community/my-lifetime-commitment/breast-cancer/petition/breast-cancer-petition

Breast Cancer Petition

Urge Congress to stop "Drive-Through" Mastectomies!

Posted: Thu., Sep. 27, 2007 , 11:13 am EDT

Topics: congress, breast cancer, petition, mastectomy, law More | Sign In or Register to Assign a Topic

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"Desperate Housewives" star Marcia Cross joined Lifetime, Senator Landrieu (D-LA) and Representatives DeLauro (D-CT) and Moran (R-KS), at a Capitol Hill press conference on Wednesday, January 23, to give voice to the 20 million signatures collected on myLifetime.com urging Congress to end the practice of “drive-through” mastectomies, when women are forced to leave the hospital following their physically and emotionally difficult breast cancer surgeries before they and their doctors may feel they are ready to go home. Senator Landrieu and Representatives DeLauro and Moran are championing the bipartisan Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act of 2007 (S.459/H.R 758), which includes no mandates but allows a woman and her doctor to decide if she is best off going home or staying in the hospital for at least 48 hours after having a mastectomy.

As promised - the answer to my lyrics above - John Denver - Rocky Mountain High

I thought of this

You know what - this three week thing is really good. I guess I can understand how people do this for a long time if they allow time for a break in between. We had a good birthday weekend. What a riot! Grandpa and Patty came for a couple of days and Lilli was all about getting all of their attention. When they left Lilli said "Patty is my best friend". Well I guess, how many books did she read? It was great.

I am getting ready for the treatment on Friday. It is long. Had to change the time to about 10:30a.m. - for 5 hours. I have a movie and I downloaded some new music. I am ready. Need to get a paper done and some homework done before then. We go to see the Frog and the Toad this weekend, it is Mommy and Lilli time. Then next weekend is Peter Pan - on the stage! When I bought the tickets way back in August it seemed so far off. Wow.

Eyelashes are gone. I need to go out an get some of that 24 hour eye liner. I hate that my eye lashes left me. I feared it - and it is true. Sad. Now, I won't be sad if the brows go - I'll be PISSED! Hang on little tomatoes!

Enough for now. Gotta run.

Can't believe I am good

Other than my break out on my back - they are like zits - gross - I feel great. So great that I had a latte today. Yep - finally - it sounded good. Should have had a decaf though....

Went to Trader Joes today - and got these cheese curds. Yuck. Where is the "squeek" in the cheese? You know how the real curds squeek for some reason.

Hard to believe that last week I was just pushing through my ickyness. The other night after class, this one lady asked if I wanted a ride to my car. I found myself saying no thanks, I feel really good and I want to walk. I love to walk on campus.

My bone pain is gone. Even my femur bones don't feel any pain. Thank heavens!

OK, not too much to say tonight - I uploaded pics to Lillis site and thought I'd jump on here for a moment.

More later when I have some other thoughts.

Whew - I am coming back

For those that don't visit the photo blog for Lilli, here is a pic that I had done for Valentines day. It is my favorite. I think that it looks like she is about ready to fly. How sweet it is that she can take off and do anything. Be free I say little fairy - fly fly fly to where you want to go!

Here is my update.
A week. It took a week this time, my feet are tingling, I have bone pain but I am not the green (no pun intended) steroid monster. My stomach muscle pulls as well today - but I can tolerate being alive at 8:30p.m. Last night I could not and had to go to sleep.

So, a week - next time it maybe a week as well which is why now I need to bone up on everything that I need to get done over the next two weeks. I took time today and enjoyed my reading. Here is a note to all of you. Take someone to Borders, they have "teapot service". Two for tea and tea for two! It is a delightful teapot that will last someone like me two hours or to share with a friend. Next time, I'll bring a friend! I opted not to go to campus, instead thought I would take sometime and get stuff done for next week. Indeed I did that as well as came home and did work here. Figured that if the snow is coming, I would be close to home. And, the snow did not fly. We shall see if it does in the morning. Keep telling Lilli get ready to wear your boots!

Here is something that I am thinking. Reference. Yes, from experience you have a frame of reference. Each of us is different. So thus, we all look at experiences and frame(s) of reference(s) differently. This is how we learn and grow. Such as if you have never been exposed to things – you will never know. Chris always gives the example of acorn slippers. He says “I never knew how great acorn slippers were until you bought me a pair”. Prior to the acorn slippers, I guess he wore socks. Not sure and that is meant tongue and cheek. So, back to me. There is a frame of reference here that I have not experienced. This is my inner struggle. I don’t know what it was like to have cancer. I really thought that it was a scary thing. I also have seen several friends die recently from cancer, thus, it is a bad thing. Then, when I look at me, I still am me. I have not changed. I don’t feel differently. (more about that later). My thoughts have not changed, yet there are so many nights that I just lie there and think about how different this is. My light bulb finally went on. I have not been through this. I don’t know. So, how am I supposed to know. It is all in this pool of me that is what I am pulling from my past. But there is nothing to pull from. So it is new. This is my start and where I finish, I am not sure. The one thing that I do know is that is it mine. No one can share this, this frame of reference I am molding. It is selfish. It is my perception of what I am now. It is my frame of reference for the future. I am finally unraveling this a bit. And, for everyone that wonders what I am studying, can you see where this is going. Can you see how I get wrapped in my studies. OH MY – what if I was going to school for math. I guess I would find a way to figure out my experience with math…………

Today I thought I would go and take a break for an hour or so, and went to the Mall. I like to shop. Big sales are going on and I love it. You know, buy the shoes for next year type of thing at 75% off. After my pot of tea I went to Macys. Random thoughts darted through my brain. As I was looking at some sweaters, there were some that were very cute, and they were form fitting. I went for the cardigan that was safe. Hmmm….how life changes. I could handle about ½ hour of shopping and I was out of there. Sad, time to rest. While I was at the mall I would catch a glimpse of what “is” in the mirror and wondered what will be. The reason I wonder about that is that yesterday I got a new wig. I don’t know who donated them to the cancer center, but someone did. Young person I think. Anyhow, I feel so fortunate, I walked in yesterday to give some Valentines candy to everyone and Chris (my nurse – but Lilli calls her Dr. Chris) had a wig on. Funny. She was glowing red. Then they said that this person donated her wigs – she was done with treatment and her hair was coming back. Oh, I thought to myself, there will be a day (won’t there???). Out came some funky wigs – thank Karen, fun I said – but I’ll pass. Then there was one that was more my color. Really it reminded of Grandmas color. It was longer in the front and a bob (I almost wrote boob – what a slip that would had been!) in the back. I took it. I put it on tonight to show Chris (the husband not “Dr.”) and when he turned around he jumped. We are so used to me without hair!!! I look like my sister. As soon as I get a picture I’ll upload it. The wig is more me than the other one. Again, the kindness of someone passing it on. Very nice!

Not so crabby today

Yesterday I just couldn’t push any further. Had to go home from class early. My mind is not there, my bones ache and all I could think of was that it was going to get dark soon and I was going to be cold. Cold to the bone. Today I was thinking, what would I do without my electric blanket this year. It really has helped during this weird Taxol side effects. Plus, my thing 1 hurts. It happened before as well. I am not sure why. My stomach muscle that is pulled seems to hurt during this time. Also, I start to walk hunched over again. Urgh – that is really irritating.

I was doing something today and heard the birds. Sounds strange that I say that I know, but what I mean is that I heard the birds. Not just background noise. Next time you are out – listen to the birds. There is nothing like it – being in tune with those little birds. It really is just being in tune to what you want, and taking the time to realize what you hear. Enough of that.

I have been bad about taking pictures. Maybe I can get a few uploaded soon. The 5 eyelashes I have left will be gone soon. I just know. My head hurts, I should say the stubble of hair hurts – strange. I ran into this lady yesterday at the little café that I go to. Here is how it went. I had to do some homework and also wanted to stop and get something to eat before I went to school. I walked into the café, ordered my bagel and tea, and went to sit down. This lady in the corner (small coffee shop) perked up and bluntly asked if I was going through chemo. Yes I said – as I took off my sweatshirt, and had to take off my hat to do that – and she pulled off her little hat to show me her short hair. So, she told me her story. She is in remission and when thru chemo and now is dealing with how to deal with cancer. Here is the story and the nugget that is important. She is 70 years old. At the age of 30 she got a nursing degree and said that every 5 years she would re-evaluate her life, professionally. Guess what, at the age of 70, she did not have the option to “re-evaluate” and change. She had to deal with her cancer first. Stop working. Now she does not have anything to do. Except to think about how to deal with cancer. Interesting. The reason why I stopped at the café, the reason why she was there, was a reminder for me, sometimes you cannot re-evaluate on your terms. It is on another term(s) and please – don’t read anything into that other than what I mean – things happen. Wild stuff. She was on her way to get a facial and hair cut. Good for her I say and I really wish the best. I felt bad for her – she was lost. Maybe I’ll see her again.

Here we go again

So, you have not heard from me, and those poor souls that did. I am feeling not barfy - good good good. But, something in the drugs makes me nuts. Mean, crabby and snappy! Goodness. I think that for the next two treatments, there needs just to be an understanding that I can't talk to anyone for a few days. Can't help myself. You know the can't help the feeling that you want to have a huge bumper on the front of your car and bang into someone that is not nice. Yes, that is how I feel. Also, the nuelasta shot is kicking in, oh my aching femur bones. I do know that if I can get to Thursday or Friday, I'll be fine. Took a pill tonight to help with/for the pain. Don't like doing that but gotta get some relief.

We are supposed to get a Valentines Day snow storm. That is OK. One last hurrah to wear our boots. Lilli is off of the babysitter so it could be fun.

That is it - big day ahead - gotta get some sleep.

1/2 done on the Taxol

I went in a bit early this time. I arrived at 11 and got started about 11:15am. Done at 4p.m.ish. I brought my electronic Suduko with me this time, got 1/2 way on one. It is challenging with the drugs in the system. No reaction, good! If I can tolerate this, the Dr. said the side effects get less. I do have to go in this morning for a nuelasta shot, those counts were low so lets get them up. I am so sick of being sick!

Here are my goodies. Hot Tea (thanks to Karen) Graham crackers and "crappy cheese and crackers". I love eating those there for some reason!

I am done. I picked up a new hat from the ladies that donate them. It is peach and soft. I thought it would be good for spring. After the Taxol, I am growing my hair back. Well, not like there is an option, but that is what will happen in the few months after. I now have 16 more Herception infusions. Every 3 weeks. Essentially, a year of treatments. I was thrilled when the Dr. said I would come in and do my herception and taxol for the next two!!!!! No more every Friday things. I'll miss seeing my nurses, and the patients. But, don't miss where that is "all I do" on a Friday. Take a look under my hand, I have my favorite book, Transformational learning, guess what - did not read more than a paragraph. Will this get to my brain by osmosis? I hope!

Saw my favorite Dr. today. He is just a down to earth guy. We talked more about the taxol and why I need it. OK, finally I am OK with it. Has to be done. This Dr.'s goal is to keep any cancer away from me. I am with that!

So, here I am 4:31 am and have been up since 3a.m. You guessed it. Steroids. Here is just one funny story and then I am calling it a morning. Last night I made dinner, I personally was starving! Then did a few things, called Dad, and then Chris asks about the 401K roll over stuff. I warned him that tonight may have not been the best time to call the place and have me talk to someone. Sure enough, did it got through it, and I was fuzzy. It was the drugs and the chemo brain. Got the stuff done but I think I'll wait another day or so before calling them back. The Dr. asked me how I was doing with studying as far as comprehension. I think so far so good - a bit slow. My edge is not there and thinking things through takes me time.

I am heading back for a few winks.

Blood - good or bad?

I got a call today saying that my blood was not good. I can't recall, white, platelets, I don't know. All I can say is that I may not have my taxol tomorrow and that makes me a bit crazy since I have psyched myself up for the day - and the week after. At 300p.m. today I got the call that I missed my appt on Wed. for a blood draw. Shoot, I thought that each week they were going to take my blood on Friday, but I guess that last week my counts were low. Imagine that. See, I have been feeling bad for a long time and my blood finally says it feels bad too! I hope after this week of antibiotic I am OK. We shall see. Anyhow, I was in the office by 3:30p.m. and they took my blood. Saw my friend, the pumpkin hat lady, and chatted for a while. She is really a nice person. One more infusion for her and she done. We were neck and neck for a while but with this taxol taking 3 weeks in-between she really is ahead of me. That is OK. I had two great weeks and happy that it. Time to wind down for the evening.

Just thoughts

The antibiotics are now done and I feel like things are cleared up. My nose is still dripping and I need a bucket under it. The weather has been cold, my nose drips when I go from outside to inside I just put a tissue under my nose. After a while it is OK and I can remove the tissue. Geez, if it isn’t one thing it is another. Here are a few funny stories that happened over the last couple of days. I first is about habits. For how many years did I have the habit of getting out of the shower, and part of my routine is to wrap my head in a towel. Now, I have to hold back wrapping a towel around my head – since there is not hair. Just a thought.

The second is something that I have been dealing with all of my life, being a red head. You stand out in a crowd. When in that crowd there is another red head that you come in contact with, there is a weird “I am a red head” too thing. Hard to explain unless you are a red head. Anyhow, the other day I was in a workshop and there was a gal that came in a bit late, she sat next to me. Yep – she was a red head and I had that feeling. The “look – there are two red heads next to each other here”. Then, I had to remember, she does not know I am a red head since I don’t have hair! Oh my goodness, I wanted to share that with this gal, and then seriously, I thought that she was going to think I am crazy. Maybe I am a bit crazy, but I thought it was funny.

The good news is that for the last week I really have felt normal. Tonight is the first time in a really long time that I made a great dinner and ate the whole thing. Would you think that I would be skinny as a rail by now, but I am doing my best to eat things that will help with my immune system. And, the hot chocolate that I am drinking does not help. Tea and hot chocolate are the drinks of choice. Half the reason is because it has been so cold as of late. I guess this is not normal – we had snow the other day. It was nice and did not do anything to the streets. As pretty as it is – brrrrr cold! Speaking of weather, I don’t miss living in the tornado area.

Another full day of feeling good. Then Friday – taxol and a long visit to the infusion room. I bought a couple of audio books, now I have to figure out how to get it on my Mp3 player. I still have to get my homework done for stats but I am proud that all of the equations worked, it took me 6 pages of freehand formulas. Now just to write the outcome. I am sure that I can do that on Friday morning. That way I can relax over the weekend.

Good night.

4 month photos - don't look if you don't want see scars!!!!

I have no idea why this is a hyperlink - I use word to edit and when I copy and paste it comes up with a hyperlink.

Before I start - I know that I have not talked with several people in a while. Just found out this week that my niece will be going to Arizona State - on a full scholarship for soccer. Thought I would share the news and I am so delighted that she'll be close.

I thought that I would post some 4 month pictures just to show how my incisions are healing. Kinda shocking. I think I have said this before, but I have my taxol (the hardcore chemo) every 3 weeks. Then, I have herceptin every week. This is just until I get through my Taxol - I think that will be at the end of March - my second Taxol is this Friday the 8th. The gal that is 3 treatments ahead of me said she got sick after the second one. I think I'll be OK. I have a nasty cold that turned into something of a nasty cough etc. I don't want to get really sick - they gave me antibiotics yesterday - thank heavens! Did I say, that I lost my nose hairs. Did I mention that before? Maybe - I am not going to go back and read - but wouldn't that be a great title for a book. Yes, you do lose nose hairs with Chemo! And, eyelashes. They are so itchy. I'll have to take a pic when I have two left. Just another way to save a few dollars on Mascara. Hell, no razors or mascara for a few more months. Oh - there is a lady that finished her 17th (that is the last one for Herceptin) treatment. She came in on Friday and thought she had one more. Surprise surprise surprise. I felt genuine "good for you" in my heart for her. I also thought - if she can do it I can too. As me next week if my bones say that after the Taxol!!!!

Can we talk about nose dripping just for a moment. I have said it before and will say it again my nose drips for no good reason. Like when I bend over. So, I was at my first "Doc Community" meeting on Friday night - whoopee - what a socialite I am - so I started coughing and had to excuse myself. Got up and yep - you guessed it - a few drops come from my nose. What is a gal to do? I ignored it happened. Kinda like farting in public. Yes, that happens to everyone. And don't deny it.......so you just ignore it right? Well, I do anyway. That is what I did last night - just ignored that a few drops came out of my nose. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for nose dripping? Lordy - who would ever have to worry about such a thing? Enough grossness!

Here are some pics - don't look if you don't want to.................................
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I deleted my stomach picture for some reason - it is on the hyperlink - so if you want to see it, click above. It comes up BIG - but there is my stomach and sun of a belly button (that sounds funny doesn't it!) What you can't see is that on the left side there is an indent where the stomach muscle should be.


I wore my hair for my infusion on Friday......







Here is a pic that Lilli took of me - I wore my hair last weekend. What the hell - it kept my noggin' warm!
Here is Lilli picture - out we go for some fun wearing my hair.






Here is the thing 1. Still is red and take a look at the knot - your right side my left.
Here is a closer look at the knot and my scar. It is really wild I think!



I am lifting my arm up here - I noticed that it looked strange and thus it does. Not sure - maybe excess skin? Don't know.