Happy Halloween!

You know you are in the club when you get a binder of information! See my comments below.
Hi crazy eyes! I had to include it because this is a funny pic. I am posting my 5 week out of mastectomy picture. No boob shots today, maybe later.
Look at that hair.
I did a leadership team building fun thing at the corn maze. For me, it was a blast. Note to self, go early in the season - it is better when green. I noticed that I have started thinking in blogger language. Here is an example. There were a bunch of people with safety vests on in the median, they were picking up garbage. Hint - I think they also had orange jumpsuits on too....anyhow, there were two young men cat calling some chic in the SUV two cars ahead of me. Now, do you think that this gal is thinking to herself "hey look at those hot young men in orange suits". Please, that was gross. Now you know my blogger language.

I went to the NMCC for an orientation. The real reason is to get more information on what to expect over my course of chemo therapy. Put a few things to rest. My veins are not going to get black. My hair will fall out. If you know of people that their hair did not fall out, they did not have breast cancer. There was a guy just diagnosed with esophagus cancer, the nurse looked at him and said "don't worry, your hair will not fall out". I was thinking, gosh, that is the least of his issues - I'll take a bald head over a feeding tube any day. She said that the number one complaint is fatigue during chemo. I am getting ready for that. Lilli is already going to babysitters five days a week, all I need to do is get her there and pick her up. I will do some shopping prior to my treatment. I still have some meals left from the "Do It" dinners. I may "Do it" myself. Ha ha.

Five weeks into my recovery, I am still a bit bent over - if you see me, you'll notice something if off. I am now wearing those camisoles that I bought at Target, why - I broke the boob again. I am giving that Thing 1 a rest from the confines of cross your heart.

My arm is still hurting me. The back from the nerves. That surgery sucked. Tell that to people that have it done. My days are getting longer and I am able to do a small nap in the middle. That is good. The picture of those people that I did the corn maze leadership thing, it was a blast but I was so tired after that I could barely get home fast enough to crawl into bed. The prep to make it look easy took a while! They are a great group of people and I had so much fun that I should had paid them! No, on the other hand, medical bills are rolling in. Speaking of that, Nov 1st starts my BCBS - one insurance only. I am glad to deal with just the one. How this all shakes out, I am just holding my breath.

OK - it is late. I am going to bed.

Here is what I learned today

This actually happened yesterday and I just ran out of time to write it - because........we had to go to the store and get our stuff to make our world famous gourmet caramel corn for "reciprocal" Halloween. I'll drag Lilli to our neighbors and give out treats......

Something that I have learned is that at the end of the day is when I just get pooped. My end of the the day is now about 5ish. I can do just enough to get dinner going, Lilli to play or watch a video and then to get into our evening routine. Yesterday I had several things to do, post office, pet store (for our cat food that we have to now buy for our "sensitive stomach" calico - thanks mom, that stuff you got worked and we went back to get more) and then Albertsons for pull ups, milk and a pizza. Notice, in the Green house, we almost always have pizza on Fridays - that started about a year ago.

So, 3 things to do after I picked up Lilli. Normal things. By the time I got done at the post office it was about 5p.m. I told Lilli that we were going to the store. I thought at that point I would cut out the pet store and just go to Albertsons. Oh no - she said - pet store. OK, I give. We went to the pet store, looked at all of the fish, mice, ferrets and birds. Got the small bag of cat food so that I could carry it and got out of the store. Then, Albertsons on a Friday. Guess who had to announce to everyone "mommy I peed". Yep. Right there, an overflow. Quick off to the potty and got changed. I didn't care - she was in a pull up and a t shirt. We got our milk, also a "special" chocolate milk, a pizza and pull ups. Out we went. I got to the cashier, paid, and asked for help. By then, just couldn't do it - a gallon of milk felt like it was filled with concrete. So, a nice gal walked us out to the car with my milk and one bag. With Lilli in her pull up and shirt, me hunched over to the side, I bet we looked like such a team! Oh, I should add, Lilli's nose is skinned too!

I gave Lilli her "special" milk on the way home. We were happy, going home finally! We got past the traffic and into our little village and I heard Lilli say "here mommy, no more chocolate milk" and I told her to put the blanket on her. Why, because I just felt something was funny. About 5 minutes from home, you guessed it. She puked all of her chocolate milk in her blanket and in the seat. So, what do you do? There is no way that I could let my little girl sit in puke for the rest of the ride. We stopped in a parking lot of a retail place that had closed, I pulled off all of her clothes, gingerly wrapped the blankie up and put it (and the contents) in the back of the car, pulled off the pull up (which she decided to pee once again all over the bag I was having her stand on) and she is shaking because she is freezing. I said a few choice words, put her in the seat next to her puke car seat, put the blanket I keep in my back trunk on her, clicked her in and said DON'T MOVE. We rode home as fast as one can go in a 30 mile an hour zone!!! When we got home I just could not move. Out went Lilli, threw out all of the gross pants and shirt, Chris came out to get the groceries, he scooped her up and put her in a bath, I quickly cleaned the blankie and the carseat cover. Then, I made dinner.

You can bet your bottom dollar I took a pain killer and one before I went to bed. All I can say is thank heavens she is old enough to understand what I am saying! So, rice for her, pizza for Chris and a big glass of that protein stuff for me and I called it a day. I was going to write some thank you notes - I didn't happen again.....I have been well intended for about two weeks now!

Just when you think you have had all that you can handle, there are times which you just have to laugh as it gets crazy. Mary said the other day, thank heavens Lilli is a part of this process, she brings laughter to it. So true. I'll never forget when my babysitter opened that door right after I got my hair cut and Lilli looked at me and said "What happened"? Funny. Oh another funny, Chris asked me if I made my hair goofy like that Ty guy from that home improvement show. I told him the other day I spent 1/2 hour trying to style it - and gave up. So, I decided the messy look is just for me - a bit of "product" (lord have mercy) and I am good to go.

And now you know the rest of the story - as well as why I asked Chris to take us shopping this afternoon - I just did not want to go through another Albertsons shopping in hell! Note to self - no more chocolate milk!

So I woke up on Thursday morning, went in to take a shower and Yikes - I BROKE MY BOOB. I looked at the mirror and saw my Thing 1 has a huge crease in it that is not bouncing back. Oh my God - after all of this! I was getting cleaned up for my Plastic Surgeons Dr. visit. So, I put on a heavy duty bra, stuffed that stomach muscle in and closed up the closures - off I went. This reminded me of when I had to give my notice to my boss 2 years ago. He flew in, I picked him up and tried to do a bit of small talk in the car as we ventured out to the Dallas traffic. I could not stand myself and had to blurt out "I am giving you my notice". No wonder I don't play poker!

I got to the Dr.'s office, went into the room, took off the bra - still the crease - argh! The nurse came in and I said - "I broke my boob"! She took a feel and a look - she scolded me - never wear a bra that cuts across your boob like that again. OK - then - she said that she feels a bit of fluid. Oh no, fluid. What - fluid.....we have to drain it. Is it going to hurt? She had the look of - do you have to ask.

The Dr. comes in, he is so quiet, and feels around, yes, there is fluid. Goes into the cabinet and out comes the needle. Ohhhhhhhhh Crapppppppppp. So I start my deep breathing. He assures me that I won't feel it. Ok, so I didn't feel it, but still, I felt it if you know what I mean! No fluid all is good. Then he explained how my Thing 1 is smaller than my other boob because he could not get enough fat out of my stomach. What I say, can you say that again please and where is that recorder....I want to record this for history. Miss always a bit overweight now has a tummy tuck. I asked him about my little "side pocket" and he said that he'll just fix that right up during the next surgery. So, the next surgery we will lift up the right boob, put on the nipple and fix the pocket in my stomach. Doesn't that sound fun. Just a walk in the park. Since it'll be another 6 weeks of recovery, I am thinking of doing this in the spring or summer. I am so sick of hurting.

I felt so good after that Dr.s appointment, they also took out my belly button stitches, that I went to Kohls for fun. Never know what you'll find at that store a bit of this and that. Then boom, bang, it hit me. I am so tired. Just when you think you can go all day, reality sets in. I guess even though it is 4 weeks into my big surgery. It is only 2 into the lymph node - another 4 weeks to go.....

Another weekend - just holding on and getting stuff done, a bit at a time.

Pic's and updates

Once again - if you don't want to see gross pic's - don't look. So, today I went to the Cancer center for a wig. Yes my friends - they give them away. Well shoot, why don't people just say that up front. So I went and these ladies helped me. I took a funky wig - it looks like the roots need dying. It is red hair - but it is fun. And guess what - I don't need no stinkin' frumpy wig! It suits me. The gal that was there said that she has had this wig for a while and it never looked right on anyone. When I put it on we all said - it is YOU. So I took it. Then we did the Look good feel good - it is really a make over. But, more for people that will be losing their hair....eyebrows, lashes etc. I learned some tips - and also found out who can tattoo eye liner and eyebrows on locally that is good. Something for me to think about. There are a few pic below. Today is 1 month after surgery. So, a pic of my Thing 1. Then, another of me ready to go. I put on this T shirt and it was wrinkled a bit. Good enough - it takes so much to put it on that I figured no one would care about a wrinkle or two! There is my wig pic - and then the "t-shirt" model pic. Crazy. So there you go. Does anyone have contacts in the cosmetic industry. If so, send a thanks to them - they donate make up for the bags we got. It is good stuff - not crap - so they need an special thanks. Enough for today. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here they are:
Me at one month. See how flat my stomach is.......




Here is me - yep - you can see just about everything without seeing everything - note - the belly button - I have no idea what they did from there - but lots of stitches!
Here is my sassy wig. In person - it looks fun.

They tried the turban wrap on me - And, here is a close up of my Thing 1 - so - there is 1/2 of my stomach muscle as my boob. If I did not have the reconstruction - it would just be skin. Nipple nipple where is the nipple. Hell, that is so far down the line I am not too worried about it....

The Hair Day

Here is the short of the long of it....ha ha. Today the person whom I had an appointment with to cut my hair short "re-scheduled". Well, sorry but today was the day which I had set aside for my hair cut - so I called another local place and they took me in. Guess what - I cried. Yes I did. This poor gal - her name is Andie - most likely was not expecting it. Because - I said you can do anything you want with it - make it short. So, as it went - she was so nice. She also told me about a local place to get cheap wigs. I'll write more later but I thought if anyone wants to see what I look like. Oh you can almost see my thing 1 - the stomach boob on the left hand side. I threw caution to the wind and wore a T shirt - still hunched over and when I am tired I look even worse - gotta go get Lilli.

Clear Nodes

Good news - the nodes are clear. In my mind I am seeing Paul Revere.... "The nodes are clear the nodes are clear!"

Had the drain pulled out. VERY strange sensation. It was almost a bubble feel to it. But, out it went and on we went with the rest of the post op visit. Dr. Smith said thank you, shook my hand, gave me an order for my mammogram in June 2008 and that was that. I go back on Monday to get my stitches out. But, I think I can handle that - I did tell her that this last surgery was bad - I am so sore. She looked at me as if to say - "silly your body is going through a lot". But, she did say that it is healing nicely and that it is healing quicker because I had the other surgery and my body is in the mend mode.

Think about this - my entire body is altered by this woman, I have seen her about 6 times during this. Wow - talk about trust. I have so much respect for what she does and had devoted her life to breast surgery. What a woman.

As I got in the car, I told Mary that I felt as if the weight of the world has lifted. I am going to get a bit crazy tonight and try to lay flat to sleep.

Oh, some odd updates. I have a strange dry patch of skin right above my left eye - nice scaly things dropping down... I am using high grade lotion that my sister sent - but it is just that one area. And then, on Tuesday, I am getting my hair cut short. I have not had my hair cut short since, 1987 I think. We will see what the hair dresser does. I'll leave it up to her since I'll be going back in about another month to have her shave it. I hope I get a discount! Maybe one of those punch cards after 6 visits one is free.....................

I'll make sure to do a before and after picture and post here. Just for fun.

OK. Pizza is done (thank you my friend in Chicago), it is Friday and a beautiful evening.

It is a "fancy coffee" day - I am going to splurge this weekend.........inside joke for those that know.

Ali

How Attractive!

Here is the question for the day - how attractive can your hair look after 4 days of not washing it. Well, you know those magazines that show the models with the slicked back hair......nope that doesn't work for regular folk!

I get my drain out today. Everyone do a little dance! The arm pit is sore - goodness - I can't tell you how sore - but it is. The nerves are effected so there is a rubbing feeling too. But, at least after I get the drain out I can shower. Another little thing is that I did sleep in bed last night. I have been sleeping in the recliner - for fear that if I am in bed I'll be so sound asleep that I'll forget that I have had these surgeries and then pull out the "bulb". You think I am kidding. Between the drugs and just being icky - it could happen you know.

Here is also another thing that is happening. You hear about this all of the time. But, here it goes - who the hell cares about some of the meaningless crap that happens in our lives. Watching daytime TV really gets a gal thinking. How on earth could a mother of 6 pretend to be OK in the suburbs of somewhere and not care about her kids having insurance. That one really pisses me off. But I digress, so what I am saying is that you hear about people going through what I am going through and really wondering about how to make things better around them. I am sure that I'll continue with that thought for years to come. Right now, what makes me happy will be to just be able to get back into my car and drive. Then, it'll be to sit down and process information to do some of my school work. I am behind on one paper - but I'll be OK for the semester. I have this one class that is so great - I can't wait for the Nov 3rd face to face. It is online the rest of the time. I have a presentation to do for that class, so it'll be fun.

Mary is coming to take me to my appointment. For this one, I am taking a happy pill just in case the Dr. pinches me or something. Then, I am coming back home and getting ready for the weekend. Ghosts to find, pumpkins buy - you know that fall stuff!

More later.

Home Health

I find it interesting that a nurse comes to visit me. It is a strange thing - I am happy to have their medical attention, yet I am waiting for the OUCH! Today I had a gal come, her name was Lisa and she'll be here tomorrow. She also doesn't think I'll get this drain out by Friday. Well shoot! There is a lot of liquid, now it is clear coming from the area. I have not looked at where the incision is nor the drain. Happy to keep my head out of my stinky armpit!

Took a pain pill before she got here - so now I am tired. Lesson learned, I won't take one for her next visit - don't think I'll need it. But, I'll tell you, having this done in the arm pit hurts! Yes indeed! This morning it turned into a dull pain, no burning. But, the worst - the back of my arm. It feels raw - like from a sunburn or such.

I'll be back later - but for now I am going to crawl back into the bed and watch a bit of TV.

Lymph nodes

Just a short onehanded note to let you know my nodes are gone. Really sore. The surgery went OK about 1 1/2 hours. I am back home. Have one drain and the pain buster ball.

I find out the results in two weeks if the are clear.

Took another happy pill about ten minutes ago so I need to sign off before I write something crazy.

Before I forget

Here is a link that my sister found to describe my "situation". That is the code word for this journey....
http://cms.komen.org/komen/NewsEvents/071011_Taxol_SGKstatement

Last day of Balloon Fiesta - it couldn't have been better weather!!! Auntie "Murry" Mary took Lilli and drew with chalk on their patio. Gave me a breather - read 1/2 of the paper - watched the balloons. Could life be better.....

I fogot this

Now it is a bit later in the day - no nap for the Lilli Greenbean - so I am back. I thought I would upload a pic of us. This was on Thursday - so it was 2 weeks and one day after the surgery. When I would read that everyday gets better - it does. It is amazing.

Also, another thought. Do you think that anyone makes a bra with different cup sizes. You know, like the people with different shoe sizes - they have to buy two pairs of the same shoes.

Another random thought for the day - you never know how this affects your relationships with people. Oh, and remember that recorder my sister brought with us to the Dr.'s office. If it wasn't funny enough that it took forever for us to figure it out - it was sitting on the table last night and it just started to "talk". Seriously, we thought maybe it was one of our phones on "speaker" or something. Strange. Then I heard Lilli say that is Mommy! We listened for a few minutes and then I turned it off. At least I think so........................

My best thoughts are in the shower

Here is what I am wondering. What type of society do we live in today that thinks that a wig is considered "cosmetic" when one loses their hair due to a "medical" condition. We need to start something and ruffle some feathers. What the hell is going on. Like Micheal Moore or not, these are the things that just don't make sense in America. Now, I have not called the American Cancer center here in Albuquerque - so I'll do that next week when I have some down time after the lymph nodes are out. I am sure that there is some type of wig program here. Both insurance companies don't cover wigs. But that is not my selfish point. Here is the point, what about all of those people that just don't know how to work the system. My God, how hard can this be - this is stupid. This is just another road to go down, and I will get a full understanding of it - but listen up my friends, there is something wrong with our society. And, by the way - anyone that can grow their hair fast, do it and donate to the locks of love - www.locksoflove.org. My sister did it a while back.

OK, off that soapbox. I am feeling pretty good. It is about 2 1/2 weeks and I can kinda sleep on my side, propped up on pillows. I am off the pain pills, but take them at night - it just helps.

OK - my little Lilli is home and gotta run - more later.

My boob hurts!

I have decided to post my boob picture here. So, if you don't like it - don't read on to the bottom.....but it is a real thing that I think most people want to know about. I'll post at the bottom so you can just not look.


I am up early this morning looking for the dawn patrol - it is when the hot air balloons, just a couple, go up and "test" the winds. It is done at dawn so the balloons glow as they are going up. May be my favorite part of the fiesta.


Most people are not shocked when I say that I am not really religious in the "God" sort of way but I have my beliefs and feel strongly about other things. Anyhow, yesterday I was out on my patio looking at all of the balloons going by, my sister was taking Lilli to daycare so I was all alone, I said to myself, please, just give me a sign that everything is going to be OK. I just have to know. Then I got on the phone and called both insurance companies. You know, the crappy bills and letters are starting to come in.


Next thing you know, there was a balloon that was right next to my house, low enough for the pilot to wave and say good morning! So, chipper me, I said good morning, how is the flying this morning? Then I got off the phone (explained to the call center gal that there was a balloon overhead if she heard the whooooshing). The pilot asked if he could land in our yard. Heck yes I said, come on in! So he landed, his chase crew came and then they "pulled" him from our back yard to the front street. Guess that was the sign. Don't know - but I'll take it!


Next, we went to the Oncologist. My sister thinks that she is so smart, she brought a recorder to record the "results" of the lab work. So, we spend 5 minutes figuring out how the thing worked. I was talking into the bottom of the recorder, saying it does not work! So we laughed and then finally figured it out. She put it in her purse and recorded the conversation with the Dr. May I say, I felt a little like we were breaking the law or being a spy. Anyhow here is the news. And, I may have to go back to the recorder since I don't recall the details, all laughing aside, it is a great tool especially if you go to the Dr. alone.


This whole adventure started with DCIS - pre-cancer 0 on the scale. Then, we found out how big the DCIS was - 8 cm across, darn those big boobs! Then, when Dr. Smith cut out the boob two weeks ago, she found a "fast growing" mass, is was 1.3 cm. Get your measuring tape out, I have no clue - sounds small to me. But, this mass is "special". It is HER-2 genes. On a scale to 0-3 I was 3+. Whoopie - what the hell does that mean. Here is the scoop.


Chemo - 4 times - I start within 40 days of my surgery on Monday. We are going aggressive - 1 time every two weeks. I'll be done if all goes OK in two months. If you are wondering, I have been warned about all of the things that we have read about Chemo. You know, barfing, fatigue, hair loss etc.


Then, I go for another year of this medicine for the HER 2 genes. Once every three week for a year. Guess that stuff isn't as bad as the chemo. So, what I hear the Dr. saying is that life should be back to "normal" once I get thru the chemo. Oh, side note, I think that most of this is going to happen through the holidays - which for me is good. That way I have about a month off of school.


There you go and there you have it. I am holding on that I'll be able to continue to go to school through this mess and that I will be stronger at the end. Hell, it could get worse but lets hope not.


I have decided to try driving today or tomorrow - see how that works with the stomach muscle. I'll do a loop around the block. I am not going to try to drink coffee and drive for a while - and maybe I need to get one of those advertising magnets on the back of my car "stay back 500 feet driver just had 1/2 of her stomach muscle pulled up to her boob and reaction time maybe slowed".

Now for the boob pic - if you don't want to look - don't. Stop reading right now!
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TA DA - here is the "flap"

Here is the balloon in the back yard - more pics on Lilli's blog.

Electric Scooter

Took some time to go to my class for an hour on Monday. Then, we had time to go to Target. Yes, I used one of those scooters. I am not lying! It is hard to walk for a long distance, plus I am a bit pooped by 9p.m. This is just for a good laugh. Today I feel better. I make it all day without the meds and that is good. More later.

Balloons will lift ones spirits!

Day one of the balloon fiesta and all of the balloons flew over head. I brewed a pot of coffee at 5a.m. for Chris so he could take Lilli to the launch fields (uncle Jeff has some pull and they get right on the fields). I went back to sleep and woke to whoooooshhhhhh whoooooosh. The sound of the balloon right out my window. Then for the next hour or so, we watch them come and land all around. Here are some pictures. Mary brought out a chair for me and it was great. Later in the day I went to Borders for a coffee and CD. Trying to feel normal. Well, I don't look normal. I walk slow and kinda hunch over a bit. Wonder if people think I am a bag lady! Today we went to the farmers market and it was a great cool morning. The down side is that I have had no energy for the entire day. I hope enough energy to get my paper and reading done tonight. If not, oh well. Lisa is coming in the morning. I know my mom is ready to go home. She has been a huge help but it has been a week and I know Lilli is pooping her out! Oh, I almost forgot. My friend from Chicago sent two pizza's - you know, Deep dish, Chicago style. I'll have to remember that, what a delight. My food should be healthy, but I crave comfort food, that hit the spot! I am trying to get off of the pain pills. I am still sore, but it is OK. Maybe just at night is when I'll need them. For a gal that likes a glass of wine or two (hey that is an idea!) I don't like to feel fuzzy with those pills.

If anyone knows a person going through this, let me know. I have T-shirts that I made that are so comfy. I took Chris' old shirt and put a slit up the front then put a couple of ribbons through it. Also, since I am not wearing a bra yet, I have been wearing camisoles that I can pull up over my hips. I have a feeling this week I'll be going out with my sister to find a couple more. It works for me. My stomach cut seems a bit better. It is healing, but I need to watch what I wear. They did something with my belly button and it is all stitched up - thus, certain sweats don't feel good. I have some graphic pic's that I won't post here. But, I will have to get a good shot of my "new life" no tattoo! It is amazing! OK. Time to see if I can press on to get some stuff done. More later.

When you just want to punch something

Life is going along as life can be. I now am really sore. I have never been in a car accident, but I bet that this is what it feels like. On Tuesday I went to get my breast drains out. It was a relief for sure. I did not take a Valium for that visit......but I was so afraid that I would pass out I asked to lay down. Dr. Smith said naw, don't worry. And poof, two drains were out lickity split. Each day I am doing much better. Last night I slept in bed instead of the recliner. Which was good until I tried to get up. UGH. OUCH. And, if you don't know, my bed is so high, like the princess and the pea that I need a step stool.

I am going to try and start back with my papers today and over the weekend. I am ready to focus on other things.

So, here is a piece of news that will go with the title for the day. When I was at the Dr.s Office she gave me the news that they are still running tests on the tissue. There was a fast growing mass outside of the duct. Like I said I got that news and just was MAD MAD MAD. I have all of the lymph nodes out on Oct 15th, it is an out patient surgery and then we will figure out the next course of action.

My mom is here and has been great. Lilli is at day care every day, so that is a relief. She comes and gives me kisses and asks if my "stomach muscle" is OK today. Sweet little girl.

I am going on an outing to Hastings to return some movies and may pick up another one or two. Can't drive yet, maybe another week.

More later.

Pants are on!

Here I am T+5. Today I went to my favorite plastic surgeon and got my tummy drains out. I can wear underwear - what a great feeling! Seriously, I had two drains in my stomach and two from my boob. Tomorrow I go to see my Dr. and maybe she'll take out the other ones. That is the hardest thing is to figure out what to do with these. This day, my new boob hurts in my armpit. Don't know why.

You can't see it in this pic, but on the right side of the computer are the drains in a bag. My little sack o'bulbs. I have not taken a shower yet, Dr. Smith says it is OK, but I did not feel like it today. So, icky greasy hair. Oh well.

My mom is here and really has helped. Mostly to keep my dear little Lilli from jumping on me. We give kisses and hugs. - very gentle. Lilli said "your stomach muscle hurts". I said yes and also mommy's boob. No fooling here - cut to the chase - she knows what my boob is! OK. I am going to head to sleep and hope to get more than 4 hours. Today was a bit of a hard day, so I hope tomorrow is a bit better.
Ali