The time....

So, when people say that it'll will take 30 minutes, add an hour on to that for the waiting time. I discovered that today. I decided to keep track of this in time. Why? Because for all of you that say I just don't have time to......guess what, neither did I. But, you make time. Really, I have always said that, you have the time, but there are times which you don't make the time. OK, enough of that. Here is how I feel.

I went into for an ultrasound. After the MRI, this should be a snap. I got there 1/2 hour early "hoping" that they were on schedule. Got called, whoopee I say! Then, the routine, off with the shirt, on with the lovely green and white gown and go sit in that waiting area. THAT waiting area took 1/2 hour. CRAP. So, as I was sitting there with 6 other women, no one said a thing! It is like an elevator. I always feel as if I have to say something in the elevator, so I felt as if I had to say something in this room of silent women. There was one, mid 50's with gray hair in a bob - very North Shore looking and she kept exhaling loudly. Like to say, I have had enough of waiting here. Snotty. Her name was Karen Smith. That is a strong name I thought and went perfectly with that woman.

There was another gal, long hair, she was slight, and wearing high wedge heels (gold). She was very pretty and we started talking about taking the dog to the vet and the dog "knew" he was going to the vet. The dog just wanted to go home, and in a sense that is how we felt. So, it was funny. Then we got into the dog sitting discussion. OK, I don't have a dog, but I really did not want to read the magazines and she was a nice woman.

Off to the ultrasound. Both boobs, just in case were done. MRI came back with....oh who knows and who cares. I am not into why what is where type of thing at this point. Then, off the ultra sound gal went to make sure that the films were OK. On the floor there was a pitcher of water or something. Date: 8/22/07. Those Damn 2's I thought. And yes, I had to go for more mammograms. The other place did not get the correct ones after the biopsy.

Then, another 1/2 hour of boobs being squashed. (Hey - NO ONE complain about going in for just a regular mammogram - that is easy!) Dr. comes in. She asked about surgery date and this and that. It seems as if there is a larger area than thought originally and that mastectomy may now be the option. Great, no radiation. This of course is tongue and cheek. Since my twenties I have liked having my boobs. Sorry, it is true. Then, it goes into that whole womanhood thing. Well, really, I also wonder about Chris. That he has to endure not only me having a bigger surgery, but also gone is one side of my chest. I know that I'll get it back via reconstruction... but still. Then I started thinking, hell, if I am going to get the left one done, then lets do the right one to lift it up a bit. That my friends is NOT tongue and cheek - I mean it.

So, there starts the weekend. We are heading to Tucson in the morning. I am going to forget about this crap for a day or so. Have a glass of wine, see Grandpa (maybe in that order too!) and then come back and talk to the Dr. on Tuesday.

Oh, did I forget to mention, I am still trying to keep up with normal life here. The house is a mess, OK that is not new, but now it is bugging me. I have to find the title to Chris' bronco and we are packing for the trip - which means extra TLC to pack fun stuff for Lilli.

That is it for now.

MRI

I was really scared for this MRI. Maybe because my 1st doc gave me a script for the Xanex, or maybe it was just the fear. (False Expectations Appearing Real). Or could it be that I canceled my 1st one due to the change of the Doc's and now I had to do this alone? I don't know. But here is what I do know, no one gave me a clue of what to expect. So, when I was talking with Susan she said I-pod and I said SMART! So, I got a cheapy, figured out how it worked and downloaded my NPR stuff and songs to it. Guess what, the magnets would chew it up, so they suggested bringing in a CD. I had to ask, they did not tell me. Then, while researching I saw that you lay on your stomach, boobies hanging between this thing. Great I say -I can just lay down and not be watching what is going on around me. Perfect. What about the Dye - did anyone tell me about that? Nope. So, I did experience the IV thing, and then the Dye. No biggie.

So, here is what I would say to anyone doing this, bring really good LOUD music that you know how long the songs are. Most of the little sessions in the MRI thing were 4 - 7 minutes of banging, then they stopped and positioned the machine. "Are you OK" is what I would hear. I kept saying um ha. Just fine. Keep going.

OK, they lay you down and your forehead rests on something like you get at a massage - you know those tables or chairs that have that hole. You CANNOT move. Then, you look at a mirror. The mirror looks out to what is on the outside. It was strange. When I focused on what was happening, I started to freak out. So, I just focused on the music. I also thought that they needed some bird feeders outside to attract some birds to watch. The day is done, I am tired. Now to deal with everything else, including the two packets of information, one from the oncologist, and the other from the radiation doc. I'll find out more about that fun in another week. Wow, something to look forward to!
Here I am "self portrait" before I go to the MRI place.



Here I am after the 1/2 hour in the tube. Notice, above my eye brows are marks from my head being in that thing, and the redness on my cheeks. I should say the indents. I survived. As Dora the Explora would say "I did it" "I did it" "I did it" Yeah!!!!

New Doc

So, I went to my new Doc. The office is bright and nice. Dr. Smith came to get me for my appointment. Why, her staff comes in a bit later to accommodate their kids. Isn't that nice. So, I was in her office for about an hour, exam, options, and then scheduling my appointments. When I say options, she is going to leave it to me whether I want my node out. Here is why - there is something about the biopsy where there maybe a slight 20% that they "spread" the cancer. Gosh, I say take that silly thing out and lets call it a day!

So, now I have to do the MRI, ultrasound and blood work. Surgery is for Sept 21st. I am hoping that mom can come down for a day or so to help with Lilli. I am sure I'll be OK, but still.

More later.

Oh, I was thinking, maybe I should do my PhD. dissertation on the perception of the physic ans office vs. reality. Wouldn't that be fun to research. Or, do people even think about that?

Updates

So, here is what I found out - I went to Dr. Seedman. Nice lady. Chris went with me. That in itself was painful - If you know what I mean. The office was in an old building and what I recall old furniture. What would someone so successful not have a comfy place for women? I don't know. Also all of her Degree's are hanging in the front room. The nurse seemed to have lots of knowledge. Then, the panic struck me at the oddest time. I was sitting there talking about insurance and how I switch to BCBS at the 1st of Sept and that is why I was in the office (I have different ins now). The nurse looked at me and said, they probably will not cover you because of a pre-existing. Chris chimed in on her side too. Well, you have to understand, I have checked everything out to a T with the new ins. and thought I was on the right track. Hmmmm. After years of using the ins. for IVF and staying on the backs of the ins. companies, I thought I knew better. So, I felt as if I was drowning. Under water.

Next, the visit with the Doc. She explained the next step was MRI and I have to go to Santa Fe. I took the order, and the script for Xnanex. She also explained that I most likely have to have more tissue taken out due to the DCIS is in the duct that runs from the top to the bottom. Without being too graphic, one can imagine how LONG that is on me. Since my boobs go down to my waist. Enough of that.

Something just does not settle well with me. After we got done, we went to lunch. OH, did I mention the tension that morning? Yes, stress will put a bad twist to your day with your mate for sure!

We went home. I decided to go out to clear my mind. I did, came home and on the computer, was the golden note that I hoped. I am covered under the new insurance starting Sept. 1st with Chris' new job. I have my Pres ins as well for the lap of a month.

So, out patient surgery, heal then radiation. 6 weeks of radiation. Crap, that is TOO long!

OK, so I put out a message on my mommy board here in Alb. Got back that there is a Dr. (three people said the same one) that is the "best". I called, got an appointment for Thursday. We shall see. I hope my gut says that it is OK now. I just want to get the right person and the right sense of how I feel. The other nurse starting talking about how I needed to take calcium, lose weight and what else, oh, I can go on but I won't.

I ended up telling my mom face to face while she was here. Not that I meant to tell her, but I thought it better than on the phone. So, now at least Mom knows and I know that if someone can come at the drop of a hat to watch Lilli, she will.

OH, off to my second class of the week. How very exciting. I walked to class from my commuter parking and it is 95 degrees. Saw Auntie Mary on the way, barely saw her because of my BIG hat, don't want skin cancer too!

Hopefully a bit of good news after my appointment.

The notes will be sent

OK, so dealing with the inner struggle of who to tell or not tell. It all seems silly. So, I have decided to just send a special little note to everyone and let them know. Once I have what is going to happen when - then I'll follow up.





It is funny, but I am getting ready to go back to school. That is about the only focus on my mind. I think that it'll be a really good thing to focus my mind on that instead of this. And as always, I have to do fifty billion things at once! Why not this.

On another note. I know that we were struggling with Chris' job change, my going to school and getting out to N.Y. for the niece's wedding. Well, this news wrapped it up. We are not going. I can't see myself being sore from surgery and having to deal with Lilli wriggling here and there. So, next event. Maybe we will make a trip out there in the Spring or Summer.

So, here is what I am pondering. Speaking of pondering - check out ponderingpool.com -
Who do you tell. I am a person that usually wears everything on my sleeve. I will share with just about anyone some of my struggles - if that can help someone not have the same struggles. But at this point, once I tell someone - they now have the burden. So, the burden of my troubles means that people will have advice. Personally, right now I don't want to hear it. It is like when people gave me advice about being pregnant - they had no idea so why would they try to advise me on such a personal subject. I digress.

The first people to tell of course is my family. But, really, I don't want to. Here is why. I want to be sure of what I have to do at this point to rid the ol' boob of this thing before I worry my Mom or Sister. The day in which I found out that I had to have a biopsy - I found out that my sisters dog died. So, the last thing I wanted to do was share - she had her own stuff to deal with. I was going to tell my friend Mary. Then, I found out that her cabin got broken into, and then her dog had eye surgery. So, how could I tell her?

I have so many wonderful friends, real friends that know me to a core, but all of the sudden it is back to school time, last minute vacations etc. So here is what is happening.

I went to see Dr. Evans - my family Dr. She is a young Doc and I really think she is a great Doc. So after I found out my results (on a Thurs) I emailed to get in to see her on Tuesday. She helped me process what to do. Here is the crazy thing. Chris has a new job and we have the opportunity to be on new insurance - Blue Cross. The zinger is, none of my current Doc's are on the blue cross program. So....really I have two options, either private or UNM. I was all set to make an appointment at UNM cancer center. Whew, that was a "reality moment". So, I was going to make an appointment, then I talked with Dr. Evans. She suggested a private breast surgeon. I did not think about. She also suggested a person for the radiation treatments. So, on Friday Aug. 17th Chris and I will talk with this gal. We shall see. I am going to make an appointment at UNM just in case.

I just care that whomever I go to here, is experienced.

Oh, here is a strange thing. I woke up on Friday and felt a huge bump in my boob. Like when you are breast feeding and you get a clogged duct. So, feeling a bit like a hypochondriac (my Dr. says that is OK right now - bless Dr. Evans!) I thought that I would ignore it. I went in to get my films and my results so that I can bring them to the new Dr. They took too long, so I went to my appointment and returned at 1p.m. Who did I bump into - the Dr. that did my biopsy and shared my news. I asked him if he had a minute - so we walked into his office. He said that sometimes there are issues with such things as puss building up in the hole of where the 12 gauge needle went, at sometimes they have to put a drain in to let the puss out. OK - that was enough. I have decided that the bump will go away and that everything will be fine. Crazy!


Back to who should I tell first. Not sure. But, you can believe that once I figure it out, I am going to tell every one. My Dr. says I am very lucky. If I took the AMA's advice on a mamogram of every other year - it would be next year that we would discover this and it would be a very different issue. So, with the statistics saying that breast cancer under the age of 50 is 20% chance, I don't feel very lucky. On the other hand, with odds like that, I am going to start playing the lotto.

For all of you that know I have something about 2's, I also thought that 7 was my lucky number - as it was coming up about the same as the 2's. Guess what, my first mamogram was on 7-27-07, I do not lie. So, I am making sure that I don't have surgery on any 22's!

More later.

What is it?

My mind has to process things in its own way. So, here is the start - but just a day late. In late July I had a mammogram - then was called back for a follow up because my breasts are "dense". Then, I was informed that there are little things in there and we now needed to do a Core needle biopsy. What the heck!

I walked out of the mammogram hearing biopsy and then shut down. They gave me NOTHING except a sticky note with the date - 7/31/07 and a time, 10:00a.m. So, I looked this up on the Internet and researched what it was going to involve. To be honest, I guess it is no big deal.

On 7/31/07 I went in and had the biopsy. Ouch - the shots hurt, then they stick a huge needle in your boob, click click click, snip snip snip. Oh, it takes at least 1/2 hour for the procedure and you are on your stomach, boob in compression. I felt a bit of burning (after the burning from the numbing stuff) about 3/4 a way through it.

They put those strip things on and then a bandage. I went home and did nothing.

The next week it was very uncomfortable (see the pics).

I went in on 8/2/07 for results. Here we go - Ductal Carcinoma In Situ, High Grade Cribriform and Comendo Type with Periductal Fibrosis and Lobular Cancerization. AND now I find out there was estrogen as well.

What does that mean. Not much. With digital mammograms they found things that are so small that it should be easy to chop off. My understanding is that I am zero on the scale of cancer.

So, over the next month, I'll have a lumpectomy and after that will be radiation.

On August 17th I have set up an appointment with a local surgeon, she only does breast surgery. Here is the thing, my options are very limited here in Albuquerque, so I can go to the University clinic, or private. I am going to start off with private, just because my doc suggested this lady.

As I make my way through this maze (it cannot be any worse than the IVF stuff that I did for years) I'll update.

Here is what I think, it is just crappy timing.

Photo's

And so it goes

Hard to believe that this is the start of the journey. It actually started last week and I'll update you on that - but before I do - it is just time to catch my breath, do the dishes and just be. Back soon.